Relationship/cheating trust issue
So my boyfriend of almost 3 years recently looked at porn on Christmas Eve. He has had problems before he looked at porn in the beginning of our relationship and i was unaware but i was not upset just because it wasnt even like serious at the time. We talked and have been talking a lot and I just need advice and help its really taking a toll on my daily life and I dont know how to fix this. So my boyfriend was never in a serious relatinship before, his parents had a rough relationship and he was overall not really taught and understood the basic common things in a relationship. We've gone a loong way as we've taught each other. Mid september I felt like he wasnt showing me enough love and loving me like he used to, the effort and cling wasnt there. I kept telling him trying to find why i was feeling this way, i couldnt it was just simple that he just wasnt showing it to me. I had been feeling depressed and not free whilst talking to him basically because i couldnt go a few minutes without him because this change was so sudden i wanted him back and i was trying so hard. He just started working a lot more hours which i understand but it hurt and he didnt understand and i felt like he wasnt listening or trying to help. I kept getting angry and then finally we went on a trip together but it stuill felt like he wasn't so it was confusing. We came back from our trip and it was christmas eve and i had this terrible gut feeling he did something so i logged into his phone and saw that he looked at porn. he told me that he did it out of purpose for curiousity and wanted to see what it was like from the guys pov or the girls im not entirely sure. he said he wasnt turned on by it or anything and it was just for curiosuty purposes. but i was just so hurt cause he didnt tell me he didnt even mention it and i asked him if he wouldve told me if i didnt find out and he said he didnt know. It was terrible to find out and here about this. he keeps saying sorry and hes very apologetic and doing what i asked him and was sorryhe didnt realize what he was doing but also it sucks because i feel like hes stull doing the same as he was before, his texts are dry, and hes just so dull now it makes me feel really sad. Maybe its because im still stuck on this change and i need a distraction while his distraction is work. I just need help because its taking up a lot of my life just being so fixated on this and i just need help, i need to be back to what i used to be when i was focused on myself and cared about myself. Im slowly losing myself and i just need to learn how to trust and i want to know anyone elses pov. thank you everyone :)
@selfconfidentEast8719
There is a lot of information you have shared here... you may have many POV shared back. Relationships are IMO a living thing that grow and change and ebb and flow .... sometimes we may not feel our partner is not showing the amount of attention /love we want or expect. I do not think that is a thing to worry so much about.
I think if he is distant and busy with long hours at work, you give him space or talk about how you feel not how he can change of fix how you feel. ... I do not understand partners searching phones or devices. Putting someone on the defensive is not a way to close distance in a relationship. you said he looked at items before but at time relationship was not exclusive so you did not make a big deal ... now it is.
Maybe it is how people define cheating in a relationship ..... watching videos or looking at items IMO are not a threat in any way IMO. .... The person in the photos/ video have no interaction with the viewer only wants views for $$. If he was connecting a person IRL that may in my mind may constitute a breach.
Maybe you were happier when you were giving yourself self care/ love and appreciation ...instead of expecting all your confidence and self worth to be around his level of attention/ affection he gives you.
Then when you both have time to access things you can talk about how both of you feel. At times relationships are dull and not all exciting as it once was.
@selfconfidentEast8719
hello! 🌻 I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend has been acting differently lately, it's always difficult when relationships go through a difficult phase. Receiving dry texts and not getting the energy and attention you deserve from him is hurtful, and you're completely valid in feeling that way. I've experienced something similar with past relationships and it's always such a painful feeling, I can understand why you're losing that trust in him.
It's normal and common for relationships to simmer down in terms of passion and excitement, especially since you two have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. It can be challenging to come to terms with the fact that the energy and effort in the beginning of relationships typically decreases as the relationship progresses. With that being said, however, it's crucial to make sure you two are making time for each other, respecting each other's boundaries, and listening and truly understanding each other. It sounds like your boyfriend hasn't been entirely responsive or attentive in your relationship, and I would feel the exact same way you are feeling as a result of that lack of effort.
It sounds like you've made your thoughts on him watching adult content very clear, yet he recently went ahead and watched some anyways. Whether or not he was truly curious and nothing more, he should have been open and honest with you. I can imagine how painful and hurtful it must have felt for you to discover that on his phone.
I understand why you feel fixated on this, and why you want a healthier distraction and ways to care for yourself instead. Try to be kind and patient with yourself! Reaching out and sharing your situation is a great way to process your feelings, we're all here for you! 🌻
It’s ok for a man to look at porn it’s perfectly normal. Why don’t you watch it with him as a spice up in your relationship to break the ice of why it’s uncomfortable for him now. It will then make you not feel uncomfortable that he watches it and you will be involved and get the benefits from it as well.
dont listen to the people trying to make you feel bad for having clear boundaries and self respect!! It is not normal to lust after other people while you are in a relationship, and it is not normal to look at other naked people either. sure theyre on a screen and you will ‘never see them in real life’. but, hypothetically, what if you see them tomorrow when youre walking down the street. you can say ‘ive seen you naked and you dont know it.’. doesnt that feel creepy? people will excuse it but it is NOT okay and you are totally valid to stand up for yourself and have boundaries. if you would like to, send me a message and we can tak about this, im going through the same thing as you.
