Relationship problem - making a big deal out of nothing?

@lightstar7 hey there lovely! its really nice to meet you and am glad you came here and decided to open up about your situation

i want to tell you, your feelings are valid. they are always valid. if you feel like he gives other people more attention than he does for you and it is hurting you, it is hurting you.

i am truly sorry to hear how you feel about this: i cant even imagine how difficult it must be for you and can totally understand that you might feel overwhelmed with it.

You mentioned that it usually gets better when you take a step back and kind of ignore your negative feelings and try to not be clingy. In my opinion it saddens me to hear that you have to ignore your feelings and hold them inside so that the relationship works and that you both dont fight.

In a relationship, there are two people in it. You and him. And the most important thing is that you both should be happy. You deserve to be happy just like him darling

@lightstar7

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point out;

I don't even know where to begin and what exactly am i looking for. I'll just write and see where i wind up.

Okay, so i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we had our ups and downs. At the beginning of the year I started taking contraceptive pills which made my depression worse - i cried all the time, i lost the motivation to do anything, i didn't do school work (i'm a post-graduate so i guess that wasn't *that* bad), i didn't look for work, nothing. After 3 months i changed the pills, and i got a bit better. I was happier more, wanted to do things, etc. Now, during these 6 month, i really wanted more attention from my boyfriend, some support, some affection, some showing that he cares. (This is normal to want in a relationship, however this tells me you dont feel connected and safe with him because he has gotten complacent) He paid less and less attention to me and more to his friends. (This would definetly make you feel like you are not a priority on his life.) Everything was 'my friends want to do this, let's go there' or 'i can't right now, i'm going with my friends' and he usually picked me up (Its nice to do group dates once in awhile, but when it's constant or he more time for them than you then its where othet people become more of a priority than spending time with you.) (I still live at home, which is a sore point for the both of us - he wanted us to move in together after 2 years, but he said it in the middle of an argument - same topic as right now - and i didn't take him seriously, and now he doesn't want to hear about it, says i missed my chance. (In other words he is using a punishing behavior because his ego got hurt and felt rejected (you didnt do anything wrong here), He is using this to also make you feel bad) Besides, i don't have money to move out of my parent's house and support myself) around midnight or later, just for sleeping over. That always made me touchy and cranky and annoying, (Thia would definetly kill the mood) so we didn't really have a good time hanging out, we weren't intimate as much, or cuddly (he isn't really the 'emotional' type, he also has problems showing his feelings, especially in public. (This tells me he is afraid to be vulnerable and show his feelings out of fear. I believe he was hurt in the past, his needs and feelings were neglected so he learned to keep feelings bottled up inside of him as a xoping2 mechanism) Thinks he has to be a tough guy). (They must had told him "its weak to show your feelings) Now, we had a fight where he told me that he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, (This is quite hurtful to hear, however I can tell this triggered your anxiety and fear of abandonment, so you probably said and did things to pull him closer and then he pushed you away). that he prefers being with his friends, because my attitude lately has been horrible (This will cause him to spend less time with you) and that if i don't go off the pills we're breaking up. (He is giving an ultimatum and trying to force you to do something, its being manipilative) I agreed, since i do have the feeling the pills are making my mood swings worse, but i also told him that he should pay more attention to me and do the things i want to do. (At this point you are both not feeling safe in the relationship, he is basically seeking space while you are trying to pull him closer. I understand you want to feel connected with him, however saying "do the things i want to do" its a way to soothe your own anxiety and trying to force things) To that he replied that i don't want to do anything, that i don't have any hobbies. (That was a hurtful comment...he is trying to sabotage this relationship by saying those things so you back away and he feels space away from you) Which is true - i try to finish my master's degree and i am a dance teacher, and with my depression i don't really feel comfortable going out and finding new hobbies to enjoy x) (This tells me you will cling to him for happiness, and then your happiness will revolved around him. The depression for long periods of time will often cause a partner to pull away of you don't treat it right away) I did suggest a few things we could do together but he wasn't interested in those particular hobbies. He is interested in his cars and his friends, and the rest not so much. We really have a problem finding things we both enjoy doing, especially things that could be incorporated in everyday life, so i'd love some suggestions (anything goes)

My problem is that i want much more attention from him that he is willing to give me - i feel really clingy. (He is neglecting you and the relationship so it's understandable you would want attention from him, however you want his attention for other reasons. I believe you are looking for his attention because you have been projecting unmet needs on him, and the way he is distant its starting to trigger your abandonment issues and to soothe your own anxiety) it too much to ask to get the same treatment as his friends? (Yes and no. Its a confusing answer because you do deserve to be treated as a priority with love, but you also want to be treated this way because it triggers your insecurities such as "im not good enough", "he loves them more than me". I dont know if you had any siblings but if you did then probably those siblings were treated better than you which made you do and say to gain attention) Meaning facebook attention - taggin in meme's, replying in chat when i write to him; (You are looking to feel loved and cared for, its why you want the same treatment) sms attention - writing back so it's not my 3 long smses (Three long smses communicate high anxiety, wanting to connect with him so badly which makes him push you away) and his 'i'm outside'; spending time with me - anything really, i'm not picky here. (You are settling for less than what you want. You have put his value higher than yours to the point you would accept any kind of leftovers from him...This is not going to make him value you as his girlfriend, he will take you granted this way) I even went hiking with him and his friends, but because i'm not in hiking form, they usually leave me behind and they go ahead. (This really shows how unattached he is to you and how little he carea. A man who loves you would not leave you behind knowing hiking isn't your thing) And to most events, he doesn't really want to take me. A few of his friends just got single, and he is hanging out with them a loooot lately and around bars and getting drunk and hanging out with other girls. (This is not a good sign) I don't know if i should be worried or not. I know he is not cheating but i guess, i'm worried he is talking to other girls and getting to know them and i worry he will find another girl that is not so messed up like me. (This tells me you are afraid of being abandoned combined with low self esteem. We create our own value and set the tone on how we should be treated. If think you are "messed up" then you will communicate this to the other person in terms of words, eye contact, body language and then they will start to lose attraction for you. If you settle for less than what you want, let him treat you as a doormat, willing to put up with this situation then he is going to lose respect for you and then his love for you will fade) After 6 years, the magic isn't there for him anymore, i can tell. (He stopped putting the effort a long time ago, the fact you are staying and not called him out communicates "You can treat me however you want, not put any effort and ill still be here for you) Plus, giving other girls attention and not me? (This is because he doesn't see you or the relationship as a priority, you should be someone priority not an option)I don't like it, if he would give that attention to me, we wouldn't be having these problems x.x

Otherwise we're opposites - he loves having a big network of friends and aquaintances, i like a small group where i feel comfortable, he is an adrenaline junkie, i'm afraid of speed and god know what else x) i need romance, he doesn't; i need constant contact, he is okay with not seeing eachother for longer (like a week or more) periods of time. (He is not putting this relationship as a priority. I can tell theres a struggle with intimacy here. You want closeness and have been doing anything possible to pull him closer while he wants more space and he will do whatever it takes to gain that space)

I do feel like i have to mention that he has been saying he loves me and that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me(Its important to look at his actions, not what he says) (to which i of course didn't say 'same' because it was again, in the middle of the argument and he was talking about breaking up if things don't get better (He is starting to feel smothered and fed up with this situation) so i was feeling insecure and he resented me not saying it back x) ) (so i'm hoping that counts for something? I can't tell if it's just words or he means it, though.

I don't know what else to add here to make the situation more clear. Maybe that he has self-esteem issues about his looks? I think he looks hot and other girls often hit on him, but he doesn't notice. I keep worrying that he'll notice and it'll boost his ego so much, he'll think i'm not good enough for him anymore. (The "Im not good enough" part comes from your childhood. I believe you felt unloved and unlovable growing up so this will actually transfer in your adult relationship. You got to be more self-aware of your limited belief because they have been a driving force to make certain mistakes in the relationship. He does seem like the type who doesn't think very highly of himself.)

Am i too clingy? (I wouldn't use this word, but what i would use is trying to relying on him too much and projecting your unmet needs on him. I do see why you want and the priorty since they are both important part of the relationship, however are his actions of a man who cares about your needs?) Is it my depression or anxiety talking? (The anxiety and abandonment issue are affecting you in certain things such as doing and saying things to pull him closer even though he is backing away and not treating you properly. Its important to learn how to soothe your own anxiety in times hr backs away, but even so you will also feel separation anxiety because he is doing and saying things that are making you feel disconnected) Is the relationship okay, am i just feeling it off because i'm off?(The relationship isn't doing well...you have anxiety and abandonment issues while he doesn't have empathy, doesn't care about the relationship and is not making you a priority) Should i take a step back and reevaluate? (Yes, ask yourself this "Is he the right person for me?") Usually when i do that, things get better - maybe because i stop being so clingy? But i do need certain level of attention, i can't keep pulling back x)(Attention, connection, safety, being a priorty are important, they are a requirement, but if he gives you that attention then you will want more and more because in your past you didnt receive much love or care so now you are looking in him what you didnt receive in the past) i won't be happy otherwise. So, yeah. (This is not a good sign because your happiness and well being revolves on what he does or say to you. You are trying to feel happy from an outside source, without solving the core issue of whats going on your past hurt. Happiness has to come from you first, if not then you will cling to others to feel "happy", if they walk all over you and make you an option. You also have to learn how to stand up on your own two feet as well, not heavily rely on one person to give you that source of happiness)

I really need someone objective to take a look at the situation and tell me honestly if i'm too clingy or am i just making a big deal out of nothing? (This is a tough one, its like i mentioned, You have your own needs which are important but the way you go about getting them is too cling and relying heavily on the other person as a source of happiness. Its understandable what you want, but theres also your unmet needs from the past.)

I hope going off the pills will help, but even if i do go off the pills, i'll still want his attention and he still won't give it to me,(This kind of behavior will not make him see you as a person of high value, this tells me you are willing to do anything to get his attention even if he has not make you a priorty) so it'll be like an unbreakable circle, with the only way out by breaking up. :( (That's a decision you should think about because he is making zero effort)

Any comment is welcome, good or bad, i would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. :)