Should I stay, or should I go 🎶
4 years ago I met my current boyfriend, we were together 2 years, broke up for just under a year while I was in school out of state, then got back together again, and that is where we are now.
He is an amazing, loving person. He treats me better than anyone ever has or likely will. But for the past few months I haven't felt happy... he's my best friend. We've been doing the long distance thing, so I've been telling myself that's what's causing these feelings, but I'm not sure anymore.
I feel so much guilt and doubt about us. I'm very comfortable with him and I know staying together is the safe option. But I feel like I will never be anything more than that. I'm not challenged or motivated. Everything feels flat, and as much as I love talking to him and spending time with him, there's zero physical, intimate attraction.
I'm moving home next month, and the plan was to move in with him. But the more I think about it the more confused I get. After all this time it should be easy, and I feel like I should know by now... the fact that I don't makes me wonder if we aren't right for each other. He is convinced that I'm the love of his life, but I don't know if I feel the same way... I can't imagine leaving him, but a big part of me also wonders if there is something more I should be chasing. Thoughts?
@karmstro3
I understand you. I think you should focus more on yourself, do things you think are fun. Paint, write, go to the gym etc. dont overthink the situation and do rational things before you have it all figured out.
Loosing people is something we always regret..
@karmstro3
nothing in life is easy. I think you should see how it feels when you re back home with him and your friends. I believe we get bored when we feel safe and comfortable... but from a psychological perspective we want excitement if we are used to chaos in life.
Try to find back to him with fun dates etc, try to appreciate all the good things about him + find his physical beautiness.. for example I tend to fall in love with eyes, over and over again..
@Expatgirl95
Thank you! I really appreciate the advice, and I like how you said chaos craves excitement. It's nice hearing from a separate unbiased perspective when you feel overwhelmed. I'm still feeling uncertain about everything but I'm piecing together a plan from talking it out with others.
He is an amazing person that I would be sad to lose. I just feel like I never found myself, and that's why I'm in this place. But hopefully there is a way to press pause and figure it all out.
@karmstro3 I
@Expatgirl95
I totally agree. Hold off on moving in with him and just spend time together. Tell him all the wonderful things about him that you treasure. Give yourselves time to see how you can each grow, both together and separately.
From the other side...my husband and I got married because we were best friends, we shared a dream of blending our family (his daughter, my son), we cared about each other and shared values and goals for the future. It wasn't enough. Our kids fought, so we began spending less time together. Even had that not happened, we didn't develop a strong connection outside of our kids, so likely we would have had trouble once they grew up (currently 15 and 11).
I don't regret marrying him, but I might regret not trying to work on a connection much sooner before we both built up hurt and resentment. We're separating and I'm moving out soon with my son. I hope we can co-parent my son (who he adopted) and I can remain in his daughter's life to some degree. We might even become friends again, although likely not best friends.
All this to say...connection is everything. Figure out what you need to feel that (check out love languages) and have him do the same. Go to counseling to help.
