Some issues we have....

@fightingscot94 Hey Scot, I appreciate you for sharing all this with us. You are awesome. I understand how things were and appreciate your efforts. It seems like you need some time for yourself to find you. You may try to do what interests. Also feel free to connect and communicate with us.

We will be glad to support you. We are with you. sending hugs

@fightingscot94

Hey there, hope you are well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

I'm in a nearly 3-year long-distance relationship, (One important things to really work and think about its how a lot of past childhood issue will intensify on both side when its long distance, so its so important to always be aware of what goes inside of you, and hopefully he is aware as well) and lately my boyfriend has been seeming a little distant (I suspect he is either feeling smothered or he is start to get uncomfortable with closeness, so he will start to pull away to feel comfortable again) and irritated with me, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. Anytime I could tell he was irritated, (I can tell you really know him, so it was very easy to pick up on the fact he felt irritated) I'd ask him if he was ok, and he'd get more irritated and say that "he's fine." (very clearly not fine) (This are passive-aggresive tendencies and afraid to be vulnerable. This indicates he grew up on a household where he couldn't speak about his feelings or others things because it would lead to bad things, so he decided to just keep things bottle up inside of him. The problem with this is that things never get resolve, and then he might either explode on you or keep it inside which will cause him to pull away) It seems like he tries to make me second guess myself or something, and sometimes it works, but most of the time I know I'm not crazy and that he's very clearly irritated, (You are not crazy, based on his response it does tells me he was frustrated or smothered. He has problems when it comes to communicating himself, i wouldn't be surprise if he uses indirect communication with you) which in turn makes me irritated because he won't just freakin talk to me about what's bothering him. (I can tell your anxiety gets triggered when he doesn't tell you things because probably you feel like he is not trusting you, however if you do get irritated then you actually trigger him and then he won't share them. You are both displaying certain insecurities here, and theres a constant trigger back and forth here)

I've been diagnosed from my LCSW with anxiety and depression and possible ADHD and PMDD. Every month, almost like clockwork, a few days or the day before my period, I get EXTREMELY depressed and have a huge crying episode, usually over things that really don't matter. (This tells me you are dismissing your own feelings which will actually make things worst. It's so important to be aware of what goes inside and accepting those feelings rather than dismiss them) This happened yesterday right after I got off work; there was a non-issue confrontation towards the end of work where one of my bosses very clearly got irritated at me, and I felt really guilty and incompetant for forgetting to tell him something, (You got triggered here by something that happened in your childhood. I'm noticing you get very anxious when you sense a person getting irritated with you, which tells me one or both parents often got irritated which made you feel like it was your fault, when at times it wasn't. You also getting trigger with your bf on this situation as well, although its very stressful dealing with him when he gets like that. I'm also sensing you are very hard on yourself, and often you put yourself down when things don't go as you want or imagine) and for him ending up having to use up time he didn't have. I kept telling myself to stop letting it get to me, (You are dismissing your own feelings here which will make things even worst. It's important to always be present and feeling them without saying those things. This kind of tells me your feelings were often dismissed growing up) but I couldn't help it. I called my bf as I was walking home because I needed some sort of comforting, and I could instantly tell that he didn't want to be on the phone with me, so that threw me off and couldn't think of anything to talk about, which made him start to get irritated. (You felt disconnected here because he wasn't present with you) I finally got around to telling him I felt like a jackass over what happened with work. (In here you are being very critical of yourself and offending yourself, this will affect your self-estem and increase your anxiety) The conversation itself wasn't escalating, but I was just getting more upset the more I thought about work, and I ended up starting to bawl. (it's normal you did this, it sounds like it was a situation that affected you) I felt stupid, but I ended up telling him I would call back in a bit while I went and cried. When I felt more calm, I called back, and we talked about it for a bit, then started talking about other things.

I brought up that I wasn't going to be dogsitting for my aunt and uncle this weekend like was planned. I mentioned that although it was obviously ok and I wouldn't have to spend money on gas, I was a little upset by it because I wouldn't get to see the dogs. Then I instantly started crying again. I'm not sure why, (It's understandable you cried, the dogs mean a lot to you, so its okay to cry since you were looking forward to seeing them) but just the thought of not seeing my aunt's dogs really upset me (I have 2 guinea pigs, but they aren't always as receptive to my love as dogs are lol). (I could see why you felt upset here, i can tell you looked forward to seeing them, and then felt disappointed when it didn't happen) My bf just all of the sudden was really irritated and told me to stop crying and that it was no reason to cry over it and that it's not like I wouldn't ever see them again. (He is dismissing how you feel, and not taking the time to understand where you are coming from. I could also tell he has a hard time dealing with emotions and closeness, so this is going to make you feel disconnected from him)

This was really shocking and hurtful to me because he's normally extremely supportive and comforting. Of course this made me cry even more and we ended up starting to fight. (You felt disconnected, it hurt a lot, and then it made you really sad because you were looking for comfort in him. I can tell you tried to pull him closer, however his closeness issue caused him to pull away, so you two actually triggered each other past childhood issues) I couldn't think straight and I although I knew I was being ridiculous with my emotions, (You are dismissing your feelings here, its as if you think you are not allowed to feel a certain away. You were not ridiculous with your feelings, everything seemed understandable and fine to me) I couldn't decide whether his reactions to me were warranted or if I should challenge him on them and just tell him to knock it off. (He just can't handle closeness or emotions well, so if you try to seek comfort in him then its going to make him feel uncomfortable and then he will say/do things to push you away. People like him can handle a small amount of closeness, so if you try to gain more closeness than he is comfortable with then he will push you away. A secure person would handle closeness so well, but your bf is more avoidant so he will often seek space when theres too much closeness) We ended up hanging up so we could both relax and I could recover from crying. I ended up laying down and crying for 5-10 minutes.

After 15-20 minutes of writing down and organizing my thoughts, I called him back to let him know exactly what I thought about what was happening with us (now that my emotions were better managed). I obviously let him know that I was more than likely PMSing, and that it really isn't anything new to him or me. (90% of it was because of the way he communicated with you, he didn't make you feel heard/understood and then was being negative by dismissing your feelings. You are taking the blame for everything, when he said things he shouldn't have) I told him that everytime before my period starts I have a crying fit. He said he doesn't like when I cry and he's just tired of trying to help me or not knowing how to help me; (I wouldn't have say that if i were him, this tells me he is not the kind of a person who is able to have proper communication and give comfort) he said it's like I WANT to be sad and won't listen to him when he tries to tell me something I can do. (He is using logic and reason, instead of listening to you. He is projecting his feelings into you, when he actually didn't listen to you...He is also blaming you for everything without taking responsablity for his actions)I said that I just need him to be there for me when I get like that; don't tell me to stop crying, don't tell me there's no reason to be crying. (I'm glad you told him that, because he is being negative and dismissive of your feelings. A partner shouldn't dismiss the other person feelings because it will cause disconnection) Just let me cry and be sad for a while. He agreed that he would try to be more sympathetic and understanding, and I agreed that I would give him a heads up when I'm gonna get my period (I've never really gotten into the habit of tracking my period, so I generally don't know when I'm going to get it until I get really weepy...but that's something I'm going to start doing).

I also told him I didn't know why he was acting the way he was towards me, (He couldn't handle the closeness and emotions because of his past issues, so he will say/do things to push you away) and that I didn't like it. He never tells me when something bothers him just a little bit; (This indicates he is afraid to be vulnerable because in the past people would dismiss his feelings or punished him when he tried to express himself, so he will not share his feelings) he waits and waits until it keeps building and then he finally blows up on me. (This is called explosion, because he keeps things inside then even the smallest of things will cause him to say everything that he kept inside) It always catches me off guard and I get hurt and I don't know how to react or have time to think about it. (Thats normal) He's kind of always been this way, but it still doesn't excuse him, especially since I've told him about it before and he hasn't done anything to change . He told me that he never wants to hurt me and he's just kind of fed up with how mopey and depressed I've been and he doesn't like when I cry. (He is being dismissive and negative of your feelings. His words and behavior will cause you to feel disconnected and then it will trigger your anxiety. He is not behaving like a supportive and kind partner) He said that I don't seem very receptive to any kind of pointers or advice he gives me so I can help myself (because he isn't going to be the one to pull me out of my funk). (He is using logic and reason here, instead of actually listening and making you feel like he knows where you are coming from. He is blaming you for everything, when in reality he is more at fault here) I'm not saying he's wrong (he's almost certainly right) (No he is being negative and rude) , but it always hurts when he gets a little judgemental like that because I know he's had his anxiety and depression issues in the past (and probably still does), so I've always figured that he of all people would understand how I feel. (He lacks empathy, and doesn't know what goes inside of him. He tends to surpress and minimize how he feels, so he will do the same to you) I told him that although I appreciate him not wanting to hurt me, I'd rather know when something's bothering him when it's almost a non-issue rather than when he's just had enough, because it really hurts and confuses me when I find out something I'm doing isn't ok, and then I feel guilty. (You have every right to feel confused when he doesn't communicate. The way he is not willing to open up will cause problems and arguments)

He also told me that he just doesn't want to talk everyday (we've talked close to every day the past almost-3 years. Not every single day, but close enough). I told him I understand, and that we could change that. He also doesn't want to have a schedule for when we talk, so I'm not really sure what to do with that. (He is starting to pull away from you, this is where you might need to let him do his thing) I don't want to end up going multiple days without talking to him because I don't know when he's going to feel like talking. (The real reason you are afraid of doing this is because of separation anxiety, the thought of you not talking for a day triggers the anxiety and abandonment issues) I love talking to him all the time and he's my best friend, but I admit that I know I can come on really strong and be a little much. So I'm not sure what we could do in that regard that will work for both of us.

I ended up admitting to him later on that I really just don't know how to be alone, (I believe this is going to make you cling in to him and project your unmet needs on him which will push him away) which he really appreciated and said was a big thing for me to admit. I've kind of known it for a while, but it's still hard to say out loud and I started crying a little bit again. I apologized to him for depending on him so much for everything, because I know how much stress it must put on him. (From what I see, it was normal to seek comfort in him, you didn't do anything wrong here. The problem is that he is not the right partner where you can share things because he has a big closeness issue. It's so important to be in a relationship with someone who is more secure because they can handle closeness better than him) But I just really don't know how to change. I don't know where to go from that. Even though I know I have a TON of issues to sort through, (I'm glad you are taking the time to solve them, however he doesn't seem like he is doing the same)I think that's one of the bigger ones that effects other problems, and also creating others.

I also told him that I very honestly just never ever get tired of talking to him. I could stay on the phone with him forever, even if we weren't talking, and I would be content. (This tells me you said this in a way to pull him closer, however telling him these things will cause him to pull away because of the closeness issue) And my whole life I've always been told to put 100% into everything that I do, so now I'm to the point where I just simply can't fathom people not putting in as much effort as I am into something (at least when it's something I'm interested in). SO, I think that's why I felt so hurt about him not wanting to talk to me so much or when he says he wants a little bit of space. (I could see why you would feel hurt specially when you two talked everyday, but this has to do more the abandonment issues than anything else) And I know that we honestly just don't really have that much to talk about right now; he graduated college this past May and is still at home unemployed, and I'm in an office job with very little hobbies outside of watching movies and taking care of the guinea pigs, so it's really hard to keep coming up with new things to talk about.

I don't know. I know I need to talk to my therapist about all of this and I really need to start to tackle the issues that have been ingrained in me since childhood, (I'm proud of you for seeking to improve on this, im sure you will do great) but....I'm just so exhausted all the time anyway; it just seems really daunting to even think about getting rid of those issues, but also loving myself the way I am (btw, I don't love myself. I don't think I'm a good model of a well-adjusted, awesome person). I just wish things were simpler....

Anyway, we do have only a couple of other relationship problems (the ones I talked about are actually a good majority of them, which really isn't bad at all), (You might feel it "isn't bad at all", but its actually a major problem. He cannot handle closeness at all, has poor communication skills, tends to say things without taking into consideration how you would feel, dismisses your feelings, at times pushes you away and many other things. You should really talk with your counselor about the things he has told you when you tried to seek comfortable, he/she will give you more insight about it. ) but I'm very happy with him still. And, as far as I know, he's very happy with me. I just know that I'm not happy with myself, which I think is the biggest thing that bothers him. He wants me to just finally get to where I'm a better functioning person again and that I'm happier and doing things that I like to do. I want to be there too, but I just can't figure out how to get there (partly from laziness, partly from all of my issues).

Sometimes I feel like he's growing really well as a person (I think he is not growing really well as a person, he has a tons of unresolved issues that are affecting the relationship)and I'm stuck in the same place and that if he gets too far ahead, that he's just going to leave me behind. And I really don't want that to happen.