Somewhere Between Holding on and Letting Go
To be honest, I don't even know how to start this.
My name is Dylan. I'm 19, and I just got out of a relationship with a girl I was with for two years. We got together when I was a junior in high school, and she had just graduated. We knew each other from work. We were always talking, joking around, and became friends for about six months before I finally worked up the courage to ask her out.
She was my first real relationship, and she was my first everything.
At first, everything was going great. Then, about a year into the relationship, we started having problems. She told me I was smoking too much weed, falling asleep all the time, not listening to her enough, and not taking her out or doing things together like couples should. I understood where she was coming from, and I felt guilty because I knew some of it was true. I told her I would change.
So I started trying. I slowly cut back on smoking. I listened to her more. If I was playing a game and she wanted to talk, I'd turn it off immediately. I started asking her out to eat more often. She always drove because I didn't have my license. For a little while, things seemed better.
But after a while, every time I asked her to go out, there always seemed to be a reason she couldn't. She had plans with her sister, her family, or something else. We also had Sunday dinner with her family every week. I wasn't always the most talkative person, but I'd listen and join in when I could. Some days I talked a lot, and other days I barely said anything.
That became another issue. I tried explaining that it was hard for me to speak up because I often got talked over, and it reminded me of my abusive dad. Everyone in her family had strong personalities, and it made it difficult for me to find a place in the conversation. Even after telling her that, nothing really changed. I still ended up blaming myself.
Eventually, we had another serious talk. She told me she wanted me to be more of a man, talk more during family dinners, get my driver's license, and find a better job since she had gotten a new one. Her parents had also started talking badly about me, and I felt like that influenced how she looked at me.
I told her how I felt too. I said I didn't like that she never stood up for me when her parents talked about me. I told her I felt like I always came last. I also reminded her that I had been trying to take her out more like she wanted. Her response surprised me. She said she thought she'd enjoy going out on dates, but she'd actually rather just pick up food and eat at home. I accepted that, but I also told her she could be controlling and bossy at times and that we needed to communicate better.
Things settled down for a while.
Then a new guy started working with us. Let's just call him "***."
He was taller than me, rode a motorcycle, and was in better shape than I was. My girlfriend was a manager, I was a busser, and he worked nights as a line cook while I worked mornings. At first, I thought they were just coworkers talking.
After a couple of months, he moved away, but she added him on ***. I eventually found out they had been talking on *** for ten months while we were still together.
He came back to town twice without me knowing. One time he stopped by work to pick up some things. Another time he came back to get his cats. They met up again, talked, and she even got into his truck to see the cats. He told her she should come visit him sometime, and she laughed and said, "Maybe one day."
Not long after that, we started having more relationship problems and decided to just be friends with benefits while still spending time together.
About two weeks later, she started acting differently. We'd get on Fortnite with friends, and after we got off, she'd immediately hang up our call. A week later, I found out she was talking to another guy. That's when she finally told me about "***" and admitted they had been talking and FaceTiming.
I tried talking to another girl myself, but I couldn't do it. It just broke my heart.
Then I found out she had been emotionally cheating on me. She said she felt bad about it, but she also told me she was planning to go on vacation in two months to visit him "as friends." They were planning to ride his motorcycle together and go to the beach.
That hurt more than anything because it felt like she moved on so quickly.
She kept telling me nothing was going to happen between them. I told her I didn't believe that. I even joked, "I'll bet you ten bucks you two end up having sex."
She smirked and said, "Nothing will happen... maybe kissing and second base, but not third."
That answer destroyed me.
She even brought up how hard it had been for her to show me her body when we first started dating. Before I knew all of this, I had asked her how this guy made her feel. The biggest smile came across her face, and she blushed. That's when I knew she already had feelings for him.
Even after everything, I still call her because I don't want to lose her completely.
She tells me I blame myself too much, and maybe she's right. I probably do. When she admitted she'd been talking to him for ten months, she even said, "You should be mad at me."
But I couldn't be.
I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore.
There's a lot more to the story, but this is as much as I can write right now. I know it's all over the place, and I'm sorry. This is the first time I've ever really tried putting everything into words.
@DylanCW I am so sorry you had to deal with this :( i had a similar situation happen to me, It sucks but it got better over time :( I'm sadly not able to take chats from your age group but im sure there's a bunch of adult listeners who are willing to listen to you and help you feel better :)
@captainfunrock1
Thank you so much. I'm really sorry you had to go through something similar too. It honestly means a lot to hear that things got better for you, and it gives me hope that they'll get better for me too. I completely understand about the age group, and I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out and leave such a kind message. I wish you all the best and thank you again. ❤️
@DylanCW Stay strong, Time heals all wounds
@DylanCW
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
The reality is when she had all these things she wanted you to change etc. but she wanted you to change for YOU not just her. People do not really like having to pull their partners along and try to direct change or growth. By the time someone make " suggestions" about several things it is really saying IMO " I am tired of waiting for you to get your stuff together". That is when she started to move on.
I know people assume it was some guy or girl who came into the situation, but that door of your GF wanting something more was already open. I know you feel betrayed by what some call emotional cheating... but if someone comes along and a person can communicate with easily and this person make them feel special or good about themselves, it is something they are missing in your relationship.
if this person has a plan about life and willing to change and grow without being pushed it is a very powerful force. Just meeting minimum expectations and waiting for direction. is not good as an employee or a BF. It also sounds like she wants you to be jealous or motivated to change. Change you do for others does not last but this is a wakeup call of what do you want. if you are cool with life as is, someday you will want more and make the changes she has wanted for some time, but it will be too late.
@toughTiger6481
Everything you said helped me understand more about how she was feeling and what she was thinking. But the thing is, everything she wanted me to change, I did my best to change. The only two things I couldn't accomplish in time were getting my driver's license and finding a better job.
I tried for almost a year to get the driving practice I needed for my license, but my parents wouldn't help me. She knew that, and she told me she understood and was willing to wait. At the same time, though, it was hard to save money because she constantly wanted to do things or needed help financially. Between paying my own rent and bills, buying food, helping her with gas, and covering other expenses, it made it really difficult to save for the things I needed.
Anytime she needed something, I was there. If her back or legs were hurting, I'd rub them for hours. If she wanted a cool LEGO set or flowers, I got them for her. If she wanted food after work, I paid. If she needed gas money, I paid. Even though I didn't have my license or a better job yet, I did everything I could to make up for it and to show her how much I cared.
The part that hurts the most is that she told me she would wait. She understood why those things were taking time, and she chose to date me knowing I was two years younger than her. She knew I needed time to reach those milestones.
What hurts even more is that I did everything I could to make her feel loved, supported, and cared for. Whenever she was in pain or needed help, I was there without hesitation. Knowing that she was cheating on me during those same moments is one of the hardest things to accept.
I just wish she had been honest with me. When that guy had to talk to her four different times about our relationship, I wish she had told me how she was really feeling instead of telling me she loved me and wanted to work on things. If she had been honest, maybe things would have ended differently, but at least I wouldn't have been lied to while I was giving everything I had.
@DylanCW
I agree with you. It is a unfair and cold to do that too you ... where was the support for you. I know this sucks and I am not advocating for her. Her promise of she would wait she may believe at the time, but she should have spoken up and helped you achieve not walk away.
I just find when I see more of the big picture I can understand the whole better.
You deserve better and do not let this experience ruin any new relationship. you will just have your eyes wide open.
@toughTiger6481
To be honest, I think she just didn't have the patience she said she did. She told me she understood my situation and that she was willing to wait, but in the end, she wanted everything to happen right away instead of giving us the chance to grow together. Relationships aren't about expecting someone to have everything figured out from the start—they're about growing, supporting each other, and building a future together. I was putting in the effort every day, but it feels like she wanted the end result immediately instead of being patient enough to reach it with me.
@DylanCW
I totally hear that and understand .. I learned the hard way in a relationship we grow and change at different speed s and intervals. sometimes when someone jumps ahead, they find it hard to wait and understand the process for us may be slower or in a different way.
@DylanCW Hey Dylan! I’m pretty young but I feel I can help offer some advice for you. In some sense I can see your ex-gf’s point of view. I do think she wanted to help you. All those suggestions she made weren’t necessarily trying to bring you down or make you feel worse or blame yourself about things going on. I think she saw the potential you had and wanted to help you become better. However there’s also a fine line between helping some reach the potential and become the person you know they can be and just trying to completely change them. In some sense I think as time went on she did just want to change you into the person she wanted you to be. It seems like you really loved her and she was a big part of your life. However I do believe she probably turned to the other motorcycle guy because she provided the things she was longing for but not getting in her relationship with you. I want to encourage you and say you do still have a purpose in this life. Maybe take some time not to think about trying to find another girl or any of that. But instead take this time to yourself. Look back on your relationship with that girl and find the things you did well and things you could have done better. And look for things she did well that you liked but also things you didn’t like. Learn from that relationship and then focus on yourself. Truly rediscover what you like and enjoy and how to grow better for yourself. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Things do get better as time goes but we have to look at the future with hope that things will get better not in question. I hope this helps
@orangePine1887
Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that. It honestly helped me understand her perspective a little more, and I agree that she probably did see potential in me and wanted me to grow.
The part that hurts me, though, is that I wasn't ignoring the things she wanted me to improve. I was actively trying. The only two things I couldn't accomplish fast enough were getting my driver's license and finding a better job. I've been trying for almost a year to get the driving practice I needed, but my parents wouldn't help me. She knew that, understood the situation, and even told me she was willing to wait. She also started dating me knowing I was two years younger and still working toward those goals.
On top of that, it was hard to save money because I was paying my own rent and bills, and I was also helping her whenever she needed it. If she wanted food after work, I paid. If she needed gas money, I paid. If she wanted flowers or a LEGO set, I got them for her. When her back or legs hurt, I'd spend hours rubbing them to help her feel better. I always tried to show my love through my actions, even if I wasn't where I wanted to be financially.
That's why it's so difficult for me to accept everything that happened. It wasn't that I refused to grow—I was trying, and she knew the circumstances I was dealing with. What hurts the most is that while she was telling me she loved me, wanted to work on things, and would wait for me, she was developing feelings for someone else instead of being honest with me. I wish she had told me how she was feeling instead of making me believe we were still fighting for our relationship.
I definitely plan to use this experience to grow and become a better version of myself. I just wish the relationship had ended with honesty instead of betrayal.
@orangePine1887
To be honest, I think she just didn't have the patience she said she did. She told me she understood my situation and that she was willing to wait, but in the end, she wanted everything to happen right away instead of giving us the chance to grow together. Relationships aren't about expecting someone to have everything figured out from the start—they're about growing, supporting each other, and building a future together. I was putting in the effort every day, but it feels like she wanted the end result immediately instead of being patient enough to reach it with me.
@DylanCW Yes I definitely agree. Relationships are definitely about being patient with each other and being understanding. Knowing that it’s not all gonna be easy and sunshine and cupcakes. There’s gonna be ups and downs, but when we have those we have to be willing to compromise and listen to one another. Be by their side and help them to grow. Honestly, I don’t want to try and sound inconsiderate of your feelings for her or for the relationship you had as I’m sure there were good times; however it sounds to me like you do deserve someone better. If she didn’t see the efforts you were making and changing for her, if she continually made you feel not enough, then maybe this is better? Like I said I totally understand being in a relationship and working to change for someone but then when they don’t see that you’re trying or they only ever place the problems on you, it can be very self defeating. I do get that you wanted it to just end differently. I get that. The way things ended between you two didn’t seem healthy or good. It’s left you with questions and other things. You sound like a nice man Dylan, and I hope one day you find the person who loves you for you, who pushes you but is also willing to help you and stand by you.
Hey dylan im so sorry about this . But you know you are so strong and uou have a very pretty soul and a very good heart . Im also 19 and i also faced something similar . Lets be friends and do a friendly chat ❤️
@yourhealerishere
Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I'm sorry you've had to go through something similar too. I'd be happy to chat and get to know you as friends.