Struggling to connect with people - friendship breakup
Hi there. For a while now i have been struggling to connect with people, finding it hard to open up and also not feeling understood. Even when i spent time with people that i have always felt close too, I feel lonely when being around them.
I think that part of this is a result of a big shift in a friendship i have.
My best friend started dating a guy i had a crush on, which i had told her all about. She was supportive of my feelings, when he suddenly texted me asking if it was okay if he and her met. She reassured me it was just as friends and i didn't mind, as he had also become good friends with other close people around me. A week later i found out they had been texting eachother for months and developed feelings for eachother and were basically in a relationship. I was mad. I had trusted her with my feelings. But i was also sad. Sad, that she couldn't trust me enough to open up and tell me how she felt. I know it was difficult for her aswell, she didn't want to feel that way towards him because she knew she would only hurt me. But i do blame her for never telling me about it and that i had to find out over another friend.
Since then i have trouble opening up to people. Talking about my feelings feels like whatever i say, i am not heard. I also feel anxious when friends i introduced to eachother start hanging out without me. On one side i am happy i could introduce these two, because i know both are lovely people, on the other side i feel like i am being replaced. It's just tough to see how this (ex)-best friend of mine is now hanging out with all these friends i had made, and me not spending time with these people, knowing that one year ago i had the best time of my life with these guys.
What is so confusing is that somehow i want to keep the friendship with her, on the other hand i feel hurt and have suffered mentaly because of this stressing situation. We did stand by each others side for 10 years...
Do you have any tips on what i should do?
(i have booked a session with a therapist)
@koo292
Wow, what a situation.
I think your feelings are totally understandable given that you have known this girl for 10 years and that she had told you that she and the guy were just friends.
I feel like it's only natural that you would feel conflicted. It doesn't feel very good when someone you have known for that long was blatantly not honest with you, especially with someone that you liked.
A therapist once told me that trust can take forever to build, but a very short time to damage. I would hope that this girl could see the damage that she did to your trust and your relationship with her.
There is an inherent vulnerability that comes with all types of relationships, because we have to open up to be able to connect.
In my experience, it has been very rewarding to open up and connect, but at the same time, I have experienced something similar to what you're going through right now.
I am glad you booked a session with a therapist and thank you so much for reaching out on here:)
Thank you so much for your words.
I also experienced that it can be really nice and deepen a relationship when you open up, but because of this situation i can't get over the fear of this happening all over again.
Also i am so glad i booked a session.
May i ask if you are still dealing with that situation or if you have already found closure?
That sounds rough :/ I went through something similar and honestly decided that I’d give them both space and work on dealing with processing it. Once that was done on my end, it would give me enough clarity to decide what to do next
I had also tried that, but then had to realise that i wasn't making any progress (half a year zero contact) . What did you do after that?
allow me to preface my reply to this thread with this quote:
“ If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago 1918–1956
I think that people do bad things, but that doesnt make them bad people. And I think that for someone to have been a friend to you for 10 years, it must have also been a source of great guilt to her that she fell for this person. I can only imagine her conflicting feelings of happiness and guilt and I believe that she has not worked up the nerve to come clean to you regarding this.
I hope that you and your friend will be able to speak to each other openly about this in the future.
