Things I wish I could tell you..

dear mom, dad, sisters, brother... family,

I would have been dead long ago if only I didn't want taint places in the house. I don't want you to look at the couch and think, maybe she was writing because she was troubled. I don't want you to look at the bathroom and relive seeing my sprawled on the floor, wrists open, and red.

I didn't want any of that for you, but it means having to fight all the negative feelings I have in me. It means having to look at myself in the mirror everyday and be reminded of my failures while you live still ignoring the fact that I'm troubled, I'm sad, I'm tired, and always on the verge of giving up.

This life... I'm not living it for me.

I wish I could tell you how it made me feel to get that text from you today. How you said you're so effing proud of me... how that alone almost made me cry. It's been hard, waiting for you to reply, or to call. I feel bad for all the things I thought and said when I devalued you, as I have so many times before. I take it all back. I was wrong to think you'd never get back to me. I was so wrong, and I think, deep down, I knew that. Because I never stopped waiting for that text or phone call.

... but just then the phone rang.

I wish I was good enough for you, I didn't choose to be this way and I'm sorry

Dear Mom,

I wish I can tell you my thoughts. I wish I can tell you the reason I act rational. I wish I can tell you that everything is going to get better in the future. I wish I can tell you how I feel every day. I wish I can tell you what I'm going through. I wish I can tell you how I feel about something. I wish I have the courage to ask you why you won't listen to me.

Dear Mom,

These past 6 years have been hard. I am grateful to have been there for you, from your diagnosis to your surgeries, treatments and recoveries. When I said that I would be planning to move to PA to find work, you didn't stun me. When you came back from your sister's, you came to me and said how much of a burden you was too her when all she did is take care of you like sisters do. The way you came off how you did some thinking, how I was single out when things went missing, somebody knowing your safe combination, making me feel for moving out at the wrong time. It's like you just need to be in control of something or someone. You telling me not to have a child with my husband, that the baby is going to come out sick, you even suggested that my husband give me permission to sleep with someone else do I could have a "healthy" baby. How do you think that made me feel? Choosing who to have a child with. You never did that to my sister or brother. They did there lives and you never interfered in what they were doing. I could never understand why you felt this way. You got pissed, it annoyed you that I was trying to do my own life, if it didn't, we should've not argued. I asked for you to get a home attendant to look after you, you said no, a visiting nurse, you said no, your sister asked you to move with her and my younger siblings, you still said no... So what was I supposed to do? Leave you like I didn't care? When u said, "You don't need to come back here, I don't need you.". You laughed in my face when I said you need help that you are becoming forgetful, that pissed you off more and told me your not crazy and to watch how I was talking to you. You should have said that to those who needed to here that. We were great until I started to see what you didn't want in my life, no one is perfect, but that doesn't give you the right to make choices for me or tell me to cheat and have someone else's child. Singling me out and saying things to piss me off when I had nothing to do with whatever you were feeling. There was too much for me to handle, I focused more on you than my relationship, and no matter what he was understanding because he had a mother once. You claim you never said anything to make me cry and feel like crap, guess again. I've done all I couldcould and yes it will take time, but I will never step foot in your home, you showed me that you weren't sick, lately you manipulated your illness so I could be an ear, escort to appts, drive you do you wouldn't faint from the heat. You demeanor changed as well as your character, that's what woke me up. I bid you nothing but blessings, cause your gonna need them, when you meet your creator, he will show you, I've been telling the truth and you didn't believe me. I can forgive you, bit won't forget.

I will continue to live with my Husband, and whether I have a child or not, you will never see it.

I wish I could tell you how scared I am right now. That I'm scared to stay, and that I'm scared to leave. That I'm scared to live. You know that, though... you've known for a while. You were right to be worried about me. The self-mutilation, the purging, the overdoses... it's all getting a little out of hand right now. It was out of hand two weeks ago. Nothing has changed. And now, faced with a potentially difficult, life changing decision... I don't know how to cope. So I take it out on my body, which screams at me in agony and protest. But I don't know what else to do. The thought of leaving this places scares me. The thought of staying... there's no reason to stay. I don't know what to do.

I wish I could tell you all this in person. That I'm still struggling, that I'm more afraid than ever. As much as I try to hide my fear under the smiles and laughter, it still seeps through, like the pus in the wound on my right wrist. Would you be disappointed in me if you saw it? If you saw the scar on my left wrist where I had to get stitches? Would you say I should be institutionalized, that I'm "damaged goods", or that I'll never make it?

What would you say, if you knew all this? And that it's all being dominated and driven by this fear for my future, a future that I'm not sure even exists, because all I can see is a grey, thick fog all around me. I feel so utterly alone and afraid. I just want it all to end.

But you, you're a busy man. There's no sense in contacting you, despite my desire to do so. I don't want to bother you. I don't want to hear your reaction... but your words, the ones that kept me going, the ones that have saved me more then one... I want to hear some of those again. I don't feel safe anymore. I never did. But at least, knowing that I had you as a support person in my life, someone I look up to and aspire to be like, that meant the whole world to me. And I felt just a bit safer.

How I wish you were here.

I wish I could tell you that I'm in love with you. I wish I could tell you that I dream of hugging you all the time, I dream of holding your hand, I dream of kissing you. But, I know that you don't feel the way I do when I'm around you.

Dear friend,

I wish I could tell I feel broken, and unwanted on the inside. That I feel like I am always putting you down, and wonder constantly why you'd even waste your time talking to. How I want to die, but never do it, because I feel I would put you down. I wish I could tell you, that you are an amazing person, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you are, you are the best think that's ever happened to me I truly, love you, but I feel as though I am always disappointing you.

Dear mom,

I wish I could tell you that every time you say, "I know you'd be the worst child." It breaks me on the inside I wish I could tell you that every time you say that I'm a disappointment it scars me, even though I agree I should be better.

Dear mom,

I'm sorry I'm the fat one ruining the family photos. I purposefully stand on the far end so you can easily crop me out pretending as if you needed to trim the picture down before posting to Facebook. Just once I'd love to be in the center of the photo, proud to be there. I dread coming to visit holiday time because I hate photo time.

Damn I miss you guys. Miss being friends, hate that I moved. We promised we were always going to be in touch and such but now we are distant and nothing is worse than me crying in bed waiting for you guys to reply. Life crept up on us and led us away from each other.