Things I wish I could tell you..
Mom, I wish you'd stop acting like i was okay because I'm not.I have been dealing with severe dpression and anxiety for the past five years. The reason I started self harming was beacause of what you let happen. Last week while you were at the store I was going to kill myself, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want you to find me. I wish you'd listen to me more and get me the help I need before I'm too far gone. I wish we had a better relationship, but we don't. And I don't think we ever will. I also need to let you know that the only reason I'm still here is because, no matter how miserable I am, I still try to hold on just so you will never know the feeling of losing a child.
I don't know how to begin.
You took away the one thing I held pride in regardless of how unimportant it seems to others. You made me feel as if I was just another notch in a bedpost that you can collect. I wasn't aware of what was going on, but you must have known how retched you were being. You took my innocence and gave me a burden. Now I can't trust, believe, or truly attempt to open myself up again anytime soon.
You are my rapist, and I the victim. Just because you think you deserve what I have, you took it from me. Now I can't sleep, eat, process, or dream properly without the constant contemplation of how what you did to me might forcibly be embedded in my womb. So I must end it. Whether that's your fetus' life or mine, I don't know as of yet. But it's sure to come.
A confession to someone I don't talk to anymore.
I miss you. I miss how we used to talk all the time and we were happy. I miss how we were friends, you were my rock, my lifeline. And now... Now you're not even a stranger. You took me out of your life and I'm hurt. I'm gutted. You said that you wanted to help me get better because I helped you... That you weren't like the others. But where are you now when I'm having an anxiety attack during a thunderstorm? How are you helping me when I'm ripping my skin open? I love you with everything in me and you just walked away. I want our friendship back and I'd give anything to talk to you again but you're not willing to try.
Signed,
someone from your recent past.
To anyone I know who may read this. I am a nice person. Generally speaking. I am capable of good things. I like talking to people and listening to their troubles. Getting to know them. Trust them. And care about them. But sometimes my mind has a switch. And sometimes there are things that build up, like a story that has yet to be proof read and finalized before publishing, that I constantly review. A process called Recurrence I think. It's what computer intelligence does to find the best possible outcome or strategy. Now you may read this in anger and continue to firmly believe that I am a "paranoid freak", when in reality I am highly observant. I pick up on patterns and behaviors over social media so well, that when I decide I had enough...enough of the lies...enough of the manipulation...enough of the deception...enough of the coersion...I decide to blow my lid and let off some steam.
Some of what I say hurts. It hurts people ALOT. Do they deserve the things I said? Most likely they do not. But if you are reading this. If you still think I am a creature unworthy of God's grace, then why are you angry? When I clearly warned you for many months when we first became friends, that I do have a mental issue. It wasn't until recently that I finally found it's name.
Histrionic personality disorder, and Narssasistic personality disorder. The first is a byproduct of the latter. Both require talk therapy. Neither can be treated with meds. And according to the Levinson's Self-Report test-i have a normal, healthy, and very well rounded mind. I have impulses I can't control. OCD is a slight side effect of HPD. Paranoia is as well, but in very minor and very easily managed levels. Neither have a cure. Both can be caused by environmental factors, but only one is hereditary. And it is that one, that single trait, that cannot be effectively treated. Histrionic personality disorder can only be treated through talk therapy. I need social interaction to remain sane-however the NPD prevents me from seeking it properly. If I feel something isn't satisfactory, I sabatoge it. I am seeking help, but I just want to leave this here as a reminder, some people, are literally beyond help. And you shouldn't make threats against them. It is also a common diagnosis amongst young adults. Just FYI.
So keep calling me a freak. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. That does not make them right. In fact 2 of every 3 people have this disorder. And 85% do not seek treatment because they do not see that anything is wrong. Not until someone points it out.
So I insist, that I am a kind hearted, well minded person. There are things that trip my switch and make me act out negatively and hurt people. I do not intend these things. I simply can't find productive ways to express myself. Not yet I can't.
This is not anotherr excuse. I wish it was all a lie myself. But you cannot be mad at someone for having an issue with which they cannot control. They you were clearly warned about months in advance. This is neither an apology or an angry rant. It's an FYI to the ever growing population of individuals who want to remain disillusioned to the mental health aspect of people's lives. No one is intentionally rude or evil. Not everyone at least. No one gets angry for no reason unless they are like me. And can't help it.
Do the world a favor and brush up on Psychology. Like I did. My core subject. Science. Anatomy and physiology. Anything that has to do with humans. I read up on for fun. Please, before you make threats to another mentally ill person, diagnosed formally or not, recognize the warning signs. Assess the severity, and kindly, KINDLY help them seek help. Not force them into a dark, cold, and lonely place that many, including myself, have struggled a decade or two to get out of.
Help them. Don't yell at them. Don't make them feel ashamed. Please. Be a decent human being, and help them.
The thing I wish I could tell you... Is that I'm sorry.. I've just told you how really did feel and now I live with the consequences of not telling you...
LLTHSJ
@PualenaLife
Ugh I know how you feel. I wish I could say I was sorry to so many people from many things I did in the past. It truly is an awful feeling :(
I wish l could tell you how I actually feel. The girl you know isn't exactly the same as the girl that I actually am. If only I had the guts to tell you. But even if I did, what would I say? Half the time, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could tell you everything but would it be enough? Will I finally be satisfied?
I wish I could tell my bff of 30+ years that I am in love with him...always have been and always will be. I've never told him or anyone else for that matter and never want him to know because I know it will ruin a beautiful, longstanding friendship...but after more than 30 years of keeping this secret, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it to myself. I've always been able to control my emotions and keep my feelings securely locked away, but lately my emotions are betraying me and my feelings are becoming more than I can handle. I'm so tempted to tell him how I feel...one part of me wants him to know...but the other part feels I will lose him as my best friend. While I want more, I'm afraid of risking his friendship. Even though I love him very much, both as a friend and otherwise, I don't know if I'm really willing to give him up as my best friend by taking the risk of telling him how I really feel...I think I could survive the rejection if he doesn't feel the same way but not the lost...
So, what's the problem...I'm married and have been for 27 years, but I find myself thinking about my best friend 24 hrs, 7 days a week. I can't get him out of my head and it's driving me crazy. Even though I'm married to someone else, he's the one who owns my heart...
@KuntryGirl87
wow. That was quite a secret. You are brave to admit it. im wondering if maybe your best friend kind of knows how you feel....anyway, stay strong and this may just work itself out.
Not telling someone how you feel is the biggest mistake anyone could make. Most guys don't really care, or even feel flattered that someone they know and trust likes them that much. But because you waited 30 years, you most certainly ruined any chances of him understanding it all and very well could ruin that friendship, because you DIDN'T tell.
You window was 28 years ago. However, staying his friend, and admitting the truth will do no more damage now, than it would have 30 years ago, if he's that loyal a friend. I waited a year to tell a guy I had a crush on how I felt and he was entirely thrilled. Even flirted back with me. The one thing that ruined it, was his ex, whom I was best friends with, that sabatoge it all. So now we're just plain friends with no possible future for eachother.
However I would try to remember what made you marry your husband in the first place before burning that delicate bridge. If you had a crush, and knew you belonged with this other man, it would have let you drop the marriage. But it didn't meaning he must not have been that big of a deal all those years ago. And that you married your husband for good reasons.
I would try to grasp those old feelings from long ago and enjoy what you have. After 30 years, it's much too late. And it wouldn't be worth starting unessisary drama over. Not unless you absolutely HAD to get it out of your system.
Dear old friend,
I know I avoid you, and you probably think I hate you, but I don't, I miss you as a friend. I just can't be friends with you because I bring your potential down, you are so good at everything, and I'm over here having emotional brake downs for God knows why. I just want you to know I don't hate you and never will, but I want you to rise to your full potential, and not to be held back by me.
@impartialTree3773 Your friend probably loves you for who you are and does not even see you as a stone weighing them down! I am sure that they want you to be happy just like you want them to be happy, so don't worry about it, they like you just like you are right now and will do anything to see a big fat smile on your face! :-)
Dear Casey,
I am sorry I never got to tell you how much I loved you before you died. I was afraid of being in this new and exciting relationship.. you were wonderful, and you were gone in an instant. I am sorry we fought the night you died, and I wish more than anything I could go back and answer your phone call. </3 I miss you so deeply.
Damien,
It wasn't your fault.
Mom, please hear my silent cries. Please look at me for a moment and ask if I'm okay because I'm not. I'm broken. Turned into ashes. I've been suffering anxiety disorder and recently I've been harking myself by scratching my chest, and both of my wrist. Please don't brush this off and think of it as something temporary because right now, I'm dealing with something dark in my life. Please hug me tight and tell me that everything would be okay before it's too late. Please... make it all stop. Because I'm tired and I'm close to giving up.
