Things I wish I could tell you..

I love you. I know you are a girl but I love you. I love the way you laugh and smile. I like the way you has kissed me and put your arms around me. But then you met this gut and you wasn't with me anymore. But Angi I love you after all what happened

Look mum, you thought everything that happens that the school told you was just me overreacting. And at the time it was. But now, the depression, anxiety, bullying, EDNOS, self harm, suicidal thoughts have come true. I've even been physically, verbally and sexually abused because of my hair. I hate life. I might have killed myself if I didn't know how it affected you after uncle Ian committing suicide. I don't want you to have to go through that loss again. I have always been told that I'm so happy and that my life must be perfect but it isn't. I'm just a good actor... Your drinking and anger and the verbal abuse dad throws at you has torn me apart (along with the other things) yet I still hold on. I hold on for you. I'm sorry you had to see me like this and not even know about it but I promise that I'll make things right again. You know how much I love you and please never forget that...

Why wasn't I enough for you Eric? I tried so hard to be everything for you and you completely abandoned me. I'm not okay with this. I miss you, I miss us, and I want answers.

Good luck in your future endeavours and thank you for giving me the happiest moments of my life.

I wish you'd understand me and support me... I wish that I felt like you loved me, even though you claim to. I want to be treated better, and not for you to seem to care more about others than me.

I want you to talk to me more, and that we weren't in the situation we are in. I wish that you could possibly like me, and that I could believe that I could be adored. Most of all, I wish you were mine.

Matt,

I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind. I wish I could tell you why I can switch my moods with the snap of a finger. There is no way I could explain it to where it makes sense. I can't tell you why I do the things to myself to punish myself, the things I do to myself to get rid of the painful memories that still haunt me today, the things I do in order to take the pain away. You say you wish I wouldn't do those things, but you're not actually doing anything to help me to stop. Are you even capable of helping me? I know that I have problems, I know I have issues mentally and emotionally. I wish you wouldn't be afraid of my issues. I wish you would just see me the same way you did the first day you met me in person. I wish you wouldn't look at me as a hurt puppy with its tail in between its legs. I wish you would show the same affection towards me as you did the first week we were dating. I wish you would see past my struggles to my true self. My true self that lives beyond the walls in my mind, that lives beyond the depression, anxiety, stress, mood swings, low self-worth, low self-esteem, beyond all those things that the people see a little below the surface of me. Because beyond all those things is a person that will love you till the ends of the Earth. My struggles do not define who I am; they are simple a part of me, but not my true self. So please stick with me, by my side, till that true self comes out with you.

Mom I think I'm not really ok and that I should go back to therapy and maybe even meds because I think I can't really handle it

I actually need you

you were my home.