Things I wish I could tell you..
Mom, I wish you'd stop acting like i was okay because I'm not.I have been dealing with severe dpression and anxiety for the past five years. The reason I started self harming was beacause of what you let happen. Last week while you were at the store I was going to kill myself, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want you to find me. I wish you'd listen to me more and get me the help I need before I'm too far gone. I wish we had a better relationship, but we don't. And I don't think we ever will. I also need to let you know that the only reason I'm still here is because, no matter how miserable I am, I still try to hold on just so you will never know the feeling of losing a child.
I wish I could tell you that I like you. A lot. And everything you say and do I analyze. A lot. But it's been a year. More than a year! One whole year! And we've barely made progress. Will I always be uncertain of how you feel? Of that, I'm uncertain, so I'm saying good-bye... I'm moving on.
I wish i could tell you how sorry I am for all the times i hurt you.
I wasn't into that last encounter. I did it to make you happy, hoping you'd notice how empty hearted and dull-eyed I'd become. After all, with my history..you promised me that's the one thing you'd always notice. I tested you, you failed. I could have opened my mouth and told you..but I didn't because I didn't want to forsake your happiness.
So my self-respect took the fall.
Dear Crush, I want you to love me too, but I won't completely die inside if you don't. I just want to be happy with you, I need you.
I let you take complete control over my life, to make you happy. Because I thought it was what you wanted. But you wanted me to fight you. You wanted me to stop us from going down, you needed me to stop us. And I didn't see. I did the exact opposite of what I should have done, all in the name of love. When you said "You can shove your love up your a**!", I didn't understand. Wasn't I showing you how much you meant to me, with every of my breaths?
Now I know better. My so-called love was nothing but egoistical. I didn't want to be alone, so I made you need me. I clung to you, to what we had, so you wouldn't leave me. I wasn't thinking of you. I was only thinking about me. And you don't need me to be happy. You need me to be far, far away from you, so the the guilt won't consume us both.
I miss you. It hurts every time someone talks about you and it's starting to get harder to put on a fake smile whenever they bring you up. Thank you for making me feel okay for the summer...
How much I hate you how much you've ruined my life. That I can't be with anyone. If my own father doesn't love me what hope in hell do I have of finding someone that would. I push everyone away because of you I never feel good enough. I'm all my 27 years you've never told me you love me what kinda parent doesn't love there child.
I wish I could tell you I'm wtfromatic with out you laughing, or asking if its even a real thing. I wish I could tell you I lied, because I felt pressured without you thinking less of me. I wish I could tell me how much you mean to me without you thinking I like you. Most of all I wish I could tell you you are the best friend I have ever had.
I wish you
I wish I could tell you I liked you, that you kept me from feeling lonely for some of the summer, that I was so afraid when you went silent, that I hate you so much for that, that you haunted my dreams more than that nightmare I told you about, that I never want to see you again, that I used to want to see you every day, that we think you have an ugly personality, but I tried not to care because you have a pretty face.