Troubled or Narcissist?
I met my husband 16 years ago. At first he was lovely - attentive, polite, welcoming. He'd told me he had a tough time with his ex - I even helped him reclaim debt from the ex and get him on his feet.
During the course of the relationship, he's had times where he goes on chat rooms for attention. Needless to say, it's hurt and I've found myself blaming me. Physically, I've generally been around a size 10/12(UK) Only larger while pregnant. I'm not the worst looking in the world but he's got me to the stage of always questioning if I'm good enough physically and he's comparing me to others.
He's got us into debt before due to chat rooms. I'm not a nasty person - I have done everything I can for him and our children. Giving up my own career and jobs time and time again.
This week, I just got to the stage where I can't take it any more. He just ghosts me at home, but wants attention while he's at work.
He has had a tough childhood (so I've been told) and several issues with his parents and family.
Does anyone have any experience of how to tell if people like this can actually change? I can't tell if he's completely messed up and needs a lot of counselling, or is a narcissist and can't be cured.
@amusingTiger4175
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I met my husband 16 years ago. At first he was lovely - attentive, polite, welcoming. (This is a sign he stopped putting the same level of effort because he started taking the marriage for granted) He'd told me he had a tough time with his ex - I even helped him reclaim debt from the ex and get him on his feet.
During the course of the relationship, he's had times where he goes on chat rooms for attention. (This is totally unacceptable behavior here. I can tell he feels empty inside, needs constant attention/validation to feel better about himself, the dopamine becomes high when he gets attention, and is neglecting you. This is not something you should tolerate, and his issues from the past are heavily interferring with the marriage) Needless to say, it's hurt and I've found myself blaming me. (This must be tought to feel, specially when guilt, shame and regrets can heavily affect a person. I can tell growing up people used to blame you for things or make you feel as if theres something wrong with you, so now the past is taking over the present. It's not your fault he is behaving this way, he has major issues) Physically, I've generally been around a size 10/12(UK) Only larger while pregnant. I'm not the worst looking in the world but he's got me to the stage of always questioning if I'm good enough physically and he's comparing me to others. (Its understandable you would feel hurt about this, you love him and it really hurts the way he is comparing you to other people. He is being inconsiderate of how this makes you feel, and is trying to make you change when in reality the one with the problem here is him. This is another behavior you shouldn't tolerate from him)
He's got us into debt before due to chat rooms. (This is definetly an addiction tied with wanting an easy way out to feel better about himself without seeking therapy. He kepts wasting money on this to satisfy his own ego and to get rid of the emptiness he feels. He is killing the marriage, and from the sounds of this is not the first time he gotten into debt. I promise you this won't stop, and will get you into more debt) I'm not a nasty person - I have done everything I can for him and our children. Giving up my own career and jobs time and time again. (I can understand what drove you to do this, but it can't be where you are always neglecting what you want for him and your family. You have a family and a husband, yes, but your individuality and goals should be present and pursued on order for you to feel happy and satisfied in life)
This week, I just got to the stage where I can't take it any more. (This is a sign he has crossed so many boundaries, your mind/body are telling you "enough is enough". Dont ignore these feelings) He just ghosts me at home, but wants attention while he's at work. (This is not healthy at all)
He has had a tough childhood (so I've been told) and several issues with his parents and family.
Does anyone have any experience of how to tell if people like this can actually change? (I don't think he will change) I can't tell if he's completely messed up and needs a lot of counselling, or is a narcissist and can't be cured. (He has this strong need to gain validation to feel good about himself, it will take an extreme amount of work to stop. He will have to experience pain, hurt and his past hurt which he has been avoiding for the longest. This marriage is not healthy for you, and he stopped putting the effort a long time ago)
@amusingTiger4175
I agree with most of this response. I can add that 15 or 16 years is a time when many marriage or LTR fails. The way you describe him and the situation is not with anger, but maybe with disdain. Maybe the anger was already before and is passed now.
Of course in this case I see only one side of the situation. If I accept that the situation is exactly like you write then I would not have strong hopes for any resolution.
Getting attention/validation from others is always a hot topic. And for the most part western culture seems to be a double standard where is it ok if a girl is doing it, but bad if a guy is doing it. What you describe is not ok for him to do if it bothers you. The way this works is if the interaction with someone of the opposite gender is bothering our partner then the partner should stop it, or if the activity is more important to them then the partner they should tell the partner that and then the partner can make a decision on what they will do about it (for example, leave).
It sounds like your interest in him is low now (based on his behavior). And his behavior as described by you suggest that he has low interest in you. To have things work out, one or the other needs to have high interest in the other, the high interest will cause the motivation to make changes that would make things better. If you go to consoling, both of you should go. Look for a counselor that will specialize in fixing mutual attraction in marriage. If your attraction to each other is higher, ALL of the other problems can fix themselves. If he has high interest in you, he would of course try to make your life more pleasant. You can also just go for yourself, the professional support can help you to figure out how you want to deal with this situation.
Good Luck
@amusingTiger4175 In general, people can change. This is what therapists are for, after all. Good therapists find ways to facilitate change (while bad therapists find ways to maintain things as they are).
The therapists I know tell me that when someone's problems have known historical causes (such as a tough childhood and family issues), that makes it very likely that events in their past can be reprocessed leading to lasting change. When someone's problems are deeply embedded in their personality, however, then therapy is more difficult. However, narcissists are often very unhappy and if they are smart enough they are sometimes willing to learn how to behave better in order to have a chance of happiness.
I am not an expert, though, and I only know what you have written here. I imagine there might be some value for you in discussing the situation with a therapist (possibly a couples therapist) to explore what's happening in more detail and get a better answer to your question.
I also wonder whether one of our 7 Cups therapists might have anything helpful to say about your situation. (I'll tag @LisaDeRegtMBPsS as she's the first one who comes to mind.)
You are very welcome to message me if you'd like to discuss things in more detail. Unfortunately I'm unlikely to be available for live chats over the next few weeks, but I always reply to messages as soon as I can.
Charlie