Unrealistic expectations
My boyfriend and I are in a commited relationship and have been for 7 months now. I’m worried this will be our last month if I can’t get over my insecurities. In the past I have dealt with infidelity with my first boyfriend, who was abusive. That left me with a lot of trauma and insecurities, I was never the same after that relationship. After social media stocking, and phone checking. I realized that my boyfriend regularly likes and comments on other girls posts some of which are models and one he described as a “cute crackhead” in the midst of an argument I started over being upset that he was giving these other girls attention, but he’s not a very attentive person in general towards those around him. I let these things bother me for a while and now I am realizing I need to actually try and look nice and take care of myself like I did, but it seems that my very independent self has fell into some codependency. Now I feel very discouraged trying to look nice, I have a mental breakdown if I didn’t eat for a few days because I know I’m losing weight and I just wanna have a big butt like all the gorgeous models everywhere. He told me it was unrealistic to look like them and that maybe I should start trying with myself and my life more, and while he is right I feel as though me not feeling good enough and being a perfectionist is taking a toll on how I go about my daily life and it’s harmful for us, but I know me and my boyfriend have a solid foundation and I don’t wanna keep making it worse because, I have watched him grow into a man and I feel like I have fallen far back.
It sounds like the insecurities didn't just pop up one day. If he's saying stuff that makes you feel insecure, you have the right to bring it up. It doesn't have to he accusatory. You're simply expressing (using "I" statements) how his descriptions of other women made you feel. If you really like him, and he deserves your good opinion of him, he won't shut down or get defensive just because you're taking issue with something he said. I think it's healthy for all of us to look inward and ask if we might be projecting our insecurities onto others. But it sounds from your post like it's not so simple, that open and honest dialogue might be necessary, and that it's not just your negative self-talk. Part of self-improvement is asking for what you need, so if your goal is to lift each other up, there's no reason not to talk about how you can best do that.
That said, "cute crackhead," while kinda problematic, doesn't strike me as a compliment. Not remotely :) And it's unrealistic to expect our partners not to find anyone else attractive ever again. Maybe I should rephrase my previous post: asking for what you need might not mean talking about what bothers you, but rather, asking for the kind of affirmation (in words) that would make you feel more confident.
@brianna5420
You said it best, "unrealistic expectations".
There are a few things going on in this situation, based on how you described it.
1. You're in a new relationship, which you wish to continue to develop but you have a few bad mental scripts running that are aiming to ruin any sense of happiness and dilute what you share with your new man.
2. You're suffering from past trauma, and haven't sought the necessary help to overcome those issues completely.
3. You have co-dependency issues.
4. You're aiming for a sense of perfection, which isn't attainable, which throws you into fits of depression -- attempting to live up to standards that aren't realistic.
5. You've developed an eating disorder and suffer from panic attacks as a result of most of the above.
Did I miss anything?
Let's get obvious out of the way. First, and I'm sure you know this, but these issues are not up to your boyfriend to help you solve nor fix, and attempting to get him to do so will be very destructive to your relationship, especially since it's starting out. This is for you to solve, and while you can ask him to support you in this initiative that doesn't mean fix. Also, you must refrain from allowing him to help you fix these issues too. Know the difference between fix and support, and help him to understand what it is you need the most to get you through this.
It's very cool that you've clearly laid out your issues in the way that you have, because you've come clean with yourself about what those issues are but, what I do see lacking in your post is a plan of action on what you are going to do about them, aka taking action, developing a method that is going to help you address them. Therefore, that should be your next step.
You should know that comparing yourself to others is never-ending. There is no reason to compare yourself to the models or people you see on the internet, magazines, TV, or otherwise - and in fact, the amount of airbrushing and cosmetics along with photo editing would blow your mind. The truth is that most of those people do not look like that 24/7. Therefore, attempting to match or outdo any of those people is fruitless, unattainable, unrealistic, and depressing. Find happiness in who you are, what you bring to the table, and spend far more time educating yourself and building your mind - it doesn't hurt to exercise either, but do what you need to for YOU. If you want to look attractive to your man, ask him what he finds appealing, what turns him on, and what he likes - and he'll likely tell you that you're what he likes just fine. However, remember that when we get into relationships, that isn't an excuse to let ourselves go. We should maintain a healthy reasonable diet, exercise, and keep ourselves healthy - but not comparing ourselves to others. This is your life, your journey and you're both partners together on this path - try to keep that in mind.
Co-Dependent No More is an excellent book.
Work on your self-esteem issues, because just like an infection, low self-esteem can infect many other aspects of your life if you allow it to do so. The way you were treated was wrong. His behavior was wrong and what he did isn't ok, but check that garbage at the door, and do not permit it to continue to infect anything else in your life moving forward. Easy to say, right? You may need to seek the appropriate professional help to overcome this obstacle and there is zero shame in doing so. Left unchecked, it can and will end great situations in your life professionally and personally -- including all your close relationships, because it's a toxic infection that spreads when you seek validation, snoop through things like phones, and start arguments for the sake of gaining a misaligned connection with your partner when it wasn't needed or necessary to do that. It can impact you in this relationship and others that you attempt to start, so address it.
Work on building that strong foundation for the relationship that you'd mentioned, and remember that under everything is a friendship with your man. Make sure you work hard to maintain a close friendship with him too. Learn how to communicate, learn what healthy couples do, learn to pick and choose your battles, and learn how to resolve your disagreements and fight fairly. Arguments and fights may come, but it's the way you both fight and argue along with making up that makes all the difference. A compromise is also an art form.
See a nutritionist and get yourself onto an action plan, if you're overweight or have any sense of an eating disorder. Exercise cannot be understated here. This is also something you and your man can enjoy together.
Remember that most of what you wrote in the post, is impacting you mentally and thus emotionally, and some of it is made up aka not even real, but it plagues you just the same as if it were real. This means that you have mental scripts running that you've learned from your past relationship that you haven't shut off. Attain the necessary professional help to identify and stop the mental scripts you have running that is impacting your life negatively, and then your relationship - and perhaps even professionally in your career or educational life.
Best of luck to you both.