Was what I did right? Or was I actually in the wrong?
TW: mentions of SH and suicide
I ghosted my ex after an incident at a party. At the time, we were broken up but became friends again. He got drunk and started screaming that how he wanted to die and started laughing. He then said he wanted to SH and made gestures on his arm and started laughing. He then said he was going to take stuff he had in his room to end his life and laughed like it was hilarious. I was so upset I started shaking and crying. To make things worse I opened out him about me experience with SH and suicide. When talking about how he wanted to SH I was begging him not to and he used my words against me from when I opened up to him about it. Later on in the night I hear the door to the work out room slam shut (I told people earlier to not shut that door). I walked in and he had these fitness rings from the ceiling tied around his neck, as if he were trying to hang/choke himself.
After that he texted me but the texts were all about him in my opinion. He first drunk texted me sorry them later followed up with how he needed to work on moving on from me as it wasn’t good for him (I told him to work on moving on multiple times). Then he asked me if I was ok and then sent a long paragraph how he said me not responding was messing with his head and that all the emotions he let out were real and that he will probably never kill himself. He mentions getting back together, said “sorry how it affected you”, and that he misses me. I chose to respond because he didn’t apologize or acknowledge how hurtful his actions were. It was just about how he thought it was ok because he was upset. I didn’t do it to punish him, I wanted to protect my mental health. When we were breaking up we kept having these long fights with back and forth paragraphs, and I didn’t want to do that again. I also think he didn’t deserve a response from me because he took a experience I almost succumbed too and laughed at it like it was funny. Then tried to hurt himself for which I assume was to make me feel bad and get back together with him.
Then randomly 3 weeks after I ignored his last message he sent me a long text message telling me I manipulated him, used him, that I pick him apart every time he does something wrong (I have never done this from my knowledge). He says he needed me and I just abandoned him. He says that he just wants to move on and find someone that cares and to be with his friends (I haven’t prevented him from doing any of those things). It’s funny because he also says he never wants to be close to me again but then says it would be cool if we decided to be friendly with each other. A week later I sent him a message for myself explaining what he did exactly and how it made me upset, and how I could not forgive him for it. I was kind and wished him well and hoped that he was able to heal. After that message I blocked him on all platforms. However he is still causing problems to this day. He is asking our mutual friends to stop hanging out and being friends with me because it makes him upset and that he is going to distance himself if they do. He also sent a long message the other day telling them I am a bad person, that I manipulate and use people, that he’s done with me, and that i’m a nasty bitch and my friends are cunts (my friends have done nothing to him). He told my two close friends to reconsider being friends with me and told the one to uninvite me from their grad party. The friend then texted him separately and said that he is still going to be friends with both of us and he is not going to uninvite me. The my ex goes on about how I am a bad person and hurt his friends (I have no idea about this he just started saying it now) and that I am only using my friend for my own social standing (this is also new too).
All my friends told me what he did was horrible and manipulative and that I was right for ghosting him for my own mental health. That he is unwell and needs help and that I am not a bad person, he is just trying to bring me down and make himself feel better. But I am
starting to believe his words about me, and what I did was wrong and that I am a bad person. My friends just say that’s his manipulation making me feel that way. I just want to get an outsiders view on this. Was what he did actually ok as he was struggling? Was ghosting him valid? And his actions now are a result of my neglect? Or was what he did consider manipulation and abuse? That I was right for ghosting him for my own sake and his actions now just show his true colors? Let me know what you guys think.
What he did sounds really messed up. It's crazy that he thinks you owe him any kind of response. He would just take it as an opportunity to manipulate you and get you to give him another chance. It's If he was truly sorry, then he wouldn't be acting so vindictive and spiteful. I'm surprised your mutual friends still want to be associated with him. It sounds like he does need help; professional, psychiatric help. You did the right thing by blocking him. Avoid him as much as possible. You deserve better.
Best wishes, Cain
@arberran1030
As someone with MDD let me first try to convince you: someone else's mental health does not come above your own, and you are not responsible for being someone else's treatment. You do what you need to do for you, and if you find yourself in a good enough space that you have the resources and energy to help someone else, you can decide to extend your hand, but you have no obligation to be your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend's therapist. You can be a helpful ally, but ultimately on our mental health journey we need to take our own steps; someone else cannot lift us up and carry us. Peer pressure is really powerful, so you need to be firm about your boundaries.
Thank you. It felt like he made it my responsibility while we were together and when we became friends again. He’s now telling everyone it is my fault that he is hurting himself and for his decline in mental health. I’ve thought about reaching out to tell him to stop but I know that’s just what he wants. Thank you for this it is really helpful