What the Heck Happened? And What do I do?
This is a complicated issue, so I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but i would really like some insight from you guys in terms of what's going on, and what I should do about it.
I've had a girlfriend for 8 years. It was long distance, and we met when we were pretty young. We always planned to meet up ASAP but since we were from different countries, that was hard. Not only that, but life got in the way. She went through a rough year or so, and not long after my whole life kinda caved around me. It seemed like everytime we had plans, they were ruined by something out of our control.
But we remained strong. We kept constant contact. We were best friends, and relied on each other a lot. I can't speak for her, but I really don't know where i would be today if it wasn't for her. But eventually we made plans. She was gonna buy a plane ticket and come to see me for a week. We were both really excited. It wasn't exactly how we pictured it, I was with my family, helping look after some people with declining health, but it was SOMETHING. After 8 years, it was finally happening. We were so excited.
She came and everything was great. My family loved her. She loved my family. We had insane chemistry. We went on dates. We hung out like best friends. With the exception of maybe a little more alone time, it was honestly the perfect trip. We loved it. She was even asking if she should be expecting a ring, and gave me crap when i told her not yet.
She went back, and she was a little sad at first, but we went right back to normal pretty soon. But we started planning trip #2. She even asked about a potential trip #3 so I could meet her family during the holidays. I said i would see based on how my situation shook out, but we were making an honest effort to get that done as well.
Until one day she was......different. She seemed very defensive. I got in trouble for the littlest things. I asked her what was wrong a few times, but it was always "nothing". Until one day I asked, and she told me she wanted to break up.
She said she's been thinking about our relationship a lot and she's not sure if this is something she wants for the rest of her life. She doesn't love me anymore, and she would appreciate it if I stopped contacting her.
Confused and heartbroken, I did do that. I left her alone. I was a wreck but I gotta respect her wishes. And i needed to focus on me now
Just a few days ago however, we got back to talking, It was kind of a mistake how it happened but it was nice. She seemed like herself again, not the defensive girl from before. We spoke and poured our hearts out to each other. We both agreed that now probably wasn't the best time to continue our relationship. She said she was very confused about what she wants in life right now. I said no problem, I'll be here for her every step of the way. We'll figure this stuff out together and maybe try again down the road. We were both really okay.
But as I was leaving, I asked her, since she needs space, what am i doing? Should I message her once a week? Not at all? Just want to know where the boundary is. She told me that she isn't sure, because I'm her comfort zone and she wants to get out of that. She wants to get to a point where she can date other guys and not feel weird about it, which is hard if I'm around. So we'll see, and she'll try to contact me more often.
….. So, not only do I not know what happened to our relationship, I really don't know how to proceed from here. I want to be supportive when it really seems like shes going through some things. But I don't want to be a sucker. And I wouldn't say she's sending me mixed signals but nonetheless I'm very confused. The tone of the conversation seemed very different than the tone of the ending. Or maybe I'm misreading everything. I don't know. Anybody have any insight or advice? Thanks
@goodTortoise5801
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
But we remained strong. We kept constant contact. (I don't know how much contact you two have, but if it was too much then at some point it will make her back away and be less interested in contact for a certain period of time. This could cause you both to take each other for granted) We were best friends, and relied on each other a lot. I can't speak for her, but I really don't know where i would be today if it wasn't for her. But eventually we made plans. She was gonna buy a plane ticket and come to see me for a week. We were both really excited. It wasn't exactly how we pictured it, I was with my family, helping look after some people with declining health, but it was SOMETHING. After 8 years, it was finally happening. We were so excited. (I personally know how this feels, years of wanting to see her in person, and both sides being very excited of meeting each other)
She came and everything was great. My family loved her. She loved my family. We had insane chemistry. We went on dates. We hung out like best friends. With the exception of maybe a little more alone time, (I do believe the priority should have been spending time alone with her since she is a person you don't normally see everyday) it was honestly the perfect trip. We loved it. She was even asking if she should be expecting a ring, and gave me crap when i told her not yet
Until one day she was......different. (This usually happens when she starts losing attraction or respect for you) or feels smothered) She seemed very defensive.(I believe they were things bothering her, however the defensiveness comes from insecurities and seeking to push away so she feels comfortable in her own space) I got in trouble for the littlest things. (She was definetly losing respect for you here, and her behavior was starting to become quite rude. I wouldn't be surprised if you started to walk on eggshells with her at this point) I asked her what was wrong a few times, but it was always "nothing". (You did the right thing in asking what was wrong with her, however she didn't communicate like an adult. A person who says "its fine" or "nothing" its usually surpressing their own emotions and feelings because they learned that its better to surpress their emotions than to share them and get in trouble. I also think asking her too much communicates you felt a lot of anxiety, which made her pull away from you) Until one day I asked, and she told me she wanted to break up.(I could only imagine the amount of hurt and pain you felt when you heard those words, specially when she has not use adult communication to express herself)
She said she's been thinking about our relationship a lot and she's not sure if this is something she wants for the rest of her life. (Now she tells you..I bet you she has been thinking about this for months and kept surpressed to not cause a fight or hurt you. This is why its so important to communicate) She doesn't love me anymore, and she would appreciate it if I stopped contacting her. (Thats harsh...one minute she in love, and then a few weeks later "i don't love you anymore, lets not talk anymore"...how hurtful it is to hear those words...)
Confused and heartbroken, I did do that. I left her alone. I was a wreck but I gotta respect her wishes. And i needed to focus on me now(You did the right thing here)
Just a few days ago however, we got back to talking, It was kind of a mistake how it happened but it was nice. She seemed like herself again, not the defensive girl from before. (The way she got defensive its her way to push you away because the closeness was getting uncomfortable for her) We spoke and poured our hearts out to each other. (I wouldn't have pour my feelings right away with someone who left me because it would make that person feel smothered, and then they will back away). We both agreed that now probably wasn't the best time to continue our relationship. She said she was very confused about what she wants in life right now. (Excuses...) I said no problem, I'll be here for her every step of the way. We'll figure this stuff out together and maybe try again down the road. We were both really okay.
But as I was leaving, I asked her, since she needs space, what am i doing? Should I message her once a week? (Nope, she didn't communicate like an adult and ended things. She lost the gift and priveledge of you reaching out first. She needs to earn you back and miss you enough to want you back) Not at all? (No contact until she reaches out first) Just want to know where the boundary is. (The boundary is you don't chase or reach out first to someone who dump you until they do.) She told me that she isn't sure, because I'm her comfort zone and she wants to get out of that. (She is pushing you away, and not valuing what you bring to her life.) She wants to get to a point where she can date other guys and not feel weird about it, (Perfect, let her date those other guys while you maintain no contact until she reaches out. You shouldn't be friends when you desire her, and don't be in backup position while she dates other guys. She needs to miss you and deal with the consenquences of her decision) which is hard if I'm around. So we'll see, and she'll try to contact me more often. (Let her reach out first all the time while you set plans with her)
….. So, not only do I not know what happened to our relationship, I really don't know how to proceed from here. I want to be supportive when it really seems like shes going through some things. (What she is going through is her business, she wants to date other guys, so she lost you there until she is willing to work things out) But I don't want to be a sucker. And I wouldn't say she's sending me mixed signals but nonetheless I'm very confused. The tone of the conversation seemed very different than the tone of the ending. Or maybe I'm misreading everything. I don't know. Anybody have any insight or advice? Thanks
@freshLight64
Thank you so much for this reply. My story was a little long and you gave me a lot of detailed opinions in seemingly an unbiased way. This was more than i could ever have asked for but your perspective really helps. Thanks.
I think you're totally correct with your first point. I think we were too close sometimes and probably spent more time together than it probably was healthy. We were/are both in bad places in our lives right now, and sometimes all we had was each other. Reflecting on this, that probably wasn't a good thing to do.
My priority definitely was spending time with her, but because of my situation, thats complicated. At the time I was caring for 2 very sick individuals in my family. She knew this was an issue before coming, and best case scenario, we would've done it more.
Your comments about her and her reactions are harsh, but honestly probably fair and true. One thing that makes this a little more complicated for me, is the fact that she has anxiety and depression issues. Now, in no way is that an excuse to treat me a certain way at all, but its hard. I know that I am not the only person in her life that she is pushing away, and I know that in some ways she is self destructing. That makes me want to handle her with kid gloves, which is probably not right, but its hard to have a different reaction.
Overall though, you gave me a lot to think about. I think you're right that i need to back off and let her come to me. I have to learn how to balance that, but hopefully that'll get easier. Despite her reasons for doing things, I need to look after me. And chasing her to give me a chance is unhealthy for everyone involved. I got a lot of things to work through in my head, but worrying about her can't be one of them right now. Thank you so much for your opinion!