Worried beyond repair
What brought me here is that my boyfriend, well fiance, actually i dont know what we are right now. But he started using and selling drugs again after being 3years sober. Hes on them all the time and i do not like this version of him, i dont know if i want to be with him how he is now. He is mean when using them and never listens to me. Nevermind the fact that we are never physical because his drug use drastically reduced his sex drive. My best friend thinks he proposed just to trap me and as the days go on it seems to make more and more sense. He doesnt think what hes doing is wrong or risky. I have my degree in criminal justice, but what hes doing could very well ruin everything ive worked so hard for, yet he doesnt care one bit. He says i have to accept what hes doing, but i cant and i wont because im not okay with it. He thinks the money hes making, which isnt even a lot, is for our future, but i do not want that kind of money. When i tried to leave he physically blocked me and dumped out the things i had packed. I am scared of him. I dont know what to do, i know a lot of people have it worse than me but its taking tolls on me, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am already a small girl i weighed 100lbs and since this started ib the past week i have lost 8lbs. He threatened to kill himself if i left too, i love his family and do not want me to be the reason they loose him. I feel so lost and broken. Am i not enough to choose over the drugs? Am i the reason he started using again? Why did he actually propose, to trap me or because he loves me? Does he actually love me, did he ever love me?
Here is the link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
Sounds like you are facing a very difficult situation in your life right now. He probably does love you but addiction is such a powerful thing. It is more powerful than his will power. That is why he has returned after 3 years. The body and mind still craves the drug even years later,
I went through an awful time many years ago with a guy I loved. I helped him off drugs but he went back to them . I truly know the divide you are feeling the hurt and pain. I had a child so I felt the decision was easier for me as I based it on what was best for my child. That way I could leave. The harm was mostly emotionally but this has taken a long time to heal.
I hope you find the strength to go sooner you can tell him to clean his act up then you may reconsider. Be strong and make the best decision for yourself.
