feeling worthless
There are a few issues Im hoping to get some feedback on and work through but this one is super relevant in my present life.
Anyone have advice for me? Male perspective maybe? My husband has expressed his undying love to me in many ways. I love him and if he left I know my heart could handle another relationship. Anyway, he works at a salon (all women) and is friends with pretty much all of his exs. Ive never been shy around strangers but around people I know will be in my life or that I feel like I have to impress influences my brain to shut down (cant think cant talk right). I try to be myself but its REALLY hard. His comments about the woman at work have made me insecure but the biggest issue are his exs. He talks to all of them and hangs out with one in particular (with me or other people). She just got divorced and is in a new relationship but shes always held a flame for him and a secret hatred for me. Theyve been friends since high school so when we hang out Im the third wheel and she doesnt try to include me. She loves the attention (gives him side glances, touches his arm, makes inside jokes) Ive tried to communicate that this makes me feel uncomfortable but my husband puts everyone else before me in social situations anyway so he doesnt understand why; he tells me to stop worrying and that Im overreacting. I care about what this girl thinks of me because my husband cares for her but I hate her and I try not to hate anyone. Idk how to act or what to do. There are so many women in his life that I could be in this situation with someone else in the future too. My husband tells me Im the only one he can relax around so thats why hes so much more annimated with others (its a facade).
@ChillingHen
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Ive never been shy around strangers but around people I know will be in my life or that I feel like I have to impress influences my brain to shut down (cant think cant talk right). (I can sense how this can be quite overwhelming and scary at times, but from the looks of it the need to "impress" is a way to gain validation from other people. This can often makes you doubt yourself, and then you might hesitate because of the pressure you put yourself) I try to be myself but its REALLY hard. (I can relate to this, its like having so many fears and past hurt that tends to take over and then doubts come in) His comments about the woman at work have made me insecure but the biggest issue are his exs. (I could understand why you would feel like this, it makes you feel as if he is comparing them to you, but then it makes you feel awful when he talks about his ex's) He talks to all of them and hangs out with one in particular (with me or other people). She just got divorced and is in a new relationship (This sounds like she can't stay alone for long...) but shes always held a flame for him and a secret hatred for me. (This is a sign she was never over him and still could feel some feelings for him, however he seems to have this hate towards you because you are with him. She sounds like she has resentment and unhappiness inside) Theyve been friends since high school so when we hang out Im the third wheel and she doesnt try to include me. (I could see why you would feel this way, its like if they are going to include you then they should also involve you in things of conversations and such.) She loves the attention (gives him side glances, touches his arm, makes inside jokes) (She is trying to stir some trouble between the two of you) Ive tried to communicate that this makes me feel uncomfortable (It's understandable you feel uncomfortable because what she is doing is very inappropiate) but my husband puts everyone else before me in social situations anyway so he doesnt understand why; he tells me to stop worrying and that Im overreacting. (He is being negative and dismissive of your feelings. He lacks empathy, understanding and adult communication skills. Let me assure you, you are not overeacting and the way you are feeling is normal. It's not okay the way he is dismissing your feelings and then he does nothing about her friends behaving inappropiate) I care about what this girl thinks of me because my husband cares for her but I hate her and I try not to hate anyone. (It's normal you would feel this. You feel disconnected from him after the way he minimize how you feel, so it makes you feel hate and anger towards her) Idk how to act or what to do. (Honestly? I feel you need a better husband because the person you are with is not someone you can have a healthy marriage.) There are so many women in his life that I could be in this situation with someone else in the future too. My husband tells me Im the only one he can relax around so thats why hes so much more annimated with others (its a facade).
@freshLight64 thank you so much for responding. I needed validated; I thought I was crazy. My heart hurts so much and the fact that someone took the time to read what I had to say and comment gives me a reprieve from that pain.
I do feel like he no longer respects me. I figured it was because I dont respect myself and although that may have something to do with it it doesnt mean hes allowed to do the same. I dont like to be where Im not wanted; I have A LOT of love to give so I dont want to waste it on someone who doesnt appreciate it. However, he has written me love letters (years ago) pledging his unconditional and undying love and presently he tells me he would probably take his own life if I werent in it, that he has nothing else of value in his life. What he says and how he acts are completely different, its very confusing, but he doesnt think so and feels hurt when I tell him I dont feel his love, well I dont know what to do then! He says. Ive given him examples of what hes done In the past that made me feel valued but it falls on deaf ears. I wonder if I just need to be here for him while hes getting himself well and once hes overcome some of those obstacles hell better understand where Im coming from? Or, Im not communicating correctly and expect too much.
I dont want another husband, I couldnt handle another relationship if this one were to fail. I have little trust in people as it is and I understand marriage is a commitment that you work on your entire life. I also think were perfect for each other and if he were start paying more attention and spending more time with me, hed realize what hes been missing. I dont just want my husband back, I want my best friend back too. Thank you again for listening, it means so much.
@ChillingHen
I do feel like he no longer respects me. I figured it was because I dont respect myself and although that may have something to do with it it doesnt mean hes allowed to do the same. (From what I read, I can tell you have communicated well and tried to express your needs. This might have to do with him not being capable of giving you what you are looking for, and staying it enables his behavior) I dont like to be where Im not wanted; (This makes perfect sense, being wanted its important)I have A LOT of love to give so I dont want to waste it on someone who doesnt appreciate it. (I'm glad you said that, this shows you know what you give, how valuable is and if he is not willing to appreciate it then is his loss) However, he has written me love letters (years ago) pledging his unconditional and undying love (I'm sure he meant every word, but this feels like too much?. The way he did all of this feels like those people who are trying to sell you a product) and presently he tells me he would probably take his own life if I werent in it, (He is being manipulative and controlling here, and is making his life turn around you (which is toxic and unhealthy of him to do)). that he has nothing else of value in his life. (It's not a good idea to be with someone like this...He is deeply depressed and heavily projecting so much unmet needs where he is making you this person who is giving him life support to continue. This is so toxic and unhealthy behavior from him...) What he says and how he acts are completely different,(I agree with you) its very confusing, but he doesnt think so and feels hurt when I tell him I dont feel his love, (He is making it all about how he feels than how you feel) well I dont know what to do then! He says. (This will definetly cause you to feel disconnected from him because he is minimizing how you feel) Ive given him examples of what hes done In the past that made me feel valued but it falls on deaf ears. (This is the main reason you go through physical and emotional pain. You are trying your hardest to express yourself (you are facing past hurt while doing this), and he is completly minimizing how you feel and what you say. His poor communication skills will make you feel disconnected, and then you will feel unhappy and neglected) I wonder if I just need to be here for him while hes getting himself well and once hes overcome some of those obstacles hell better understand where Im coming from? (I can see you care about him, but I don't see him feeling better any time soon. I think you can't sacrifice yourself for someone who have make zero effort to change or improve) Or, Im not communicating correctly and expect too much. (You are doing a great job at communicating, it just he lacks adult communication skills)
I dont want another husband, I couldnt handle another relationship if this one were to fail. (I feel this relationship started on the wrong foot, and it will definetly continue going downhill) I have little trust in people as it is and I understand marriage is a commitment that you work on your entire life. (No your entire life, if the other person is making you unhappy and not working to meet your needs then you have all the right in the world to end it. Your family had the "marriage shouldnt never end" belief from society, it doesn't mean is true) I also think were perfect for each other (No you two are not perfect for each other...all i see is a man who doesn't treat you properly and minimize how you feel) and if he were start paying more attention and spending more time with me, hed realize what hes been missing. (I understand where you are coming from, but he is showing you his true self. You can't fix someone unless they work on themeselves) I dont just want my husband back, I want my best friend back too. Thank you again for listening, it means so much.
@ChillingHen
Believe in your sense, woman. You're always right.
If you feel something is not wrong with this friend he has, if you feel they have so much intimacy, go looking for some answers. Open your eyes.
A kiss!
something is wrong*
@CompassionateTangerineGummy thats scares me so much because I do feel like something is terribly wrong, if not with this woman, with us. Ive been more intimate, rubbing his feet (I know Im a pitiful creature) and back, givining more eye contact, consciously thinking about smiling when he looks at me. Everything hes complained about me with me Ive started to work in and change. I get very little eye contact from him and when I do he doesnt look that happy. Hell go from smiling and laughing with someone else to looking at me, I smile at him, and his smile fades. He swears its because hes himself around me and he isnt really happy with himself or the world. Im his comfort zone.. but watching him smile, laugh, have fun with everyone makes me feel insignificant.
He does worry about me; he makes sure I get to work on time (I dont have a car currently) and that I always have something to eat. He shares everything of his with me and wants me with him wherever he goes (unless I want to go somewhere and he doesnt then Im on my own, like my folks house). We have great sex when hes in the mood. He says hes never going anywhere and he wishes that I would believe what he tells me and have confidence in myself.
Am I not getting something or is this confusing? This is why sometimes I think it has nothing to do with how hes acting but how my depressed and anxious brain works. I guess I wont get these answers unless I speak with him but that Ive tried and it ends in misunderstanding anger and probably resentment. I think my insecurities have made him slowly not give a shit about how I feel. Is there no way to get my husband back? It feels like Im stuck, Im not good enough to persuade him to love me the way he used to.
