Longtime friends

Soo, this is hard, never done this but yeah, here it goes..

I have this friends, from long time ago, met them since I was a child literally. We were together through school until we graduated, and continued being friends even being each one at a different college. Just for a little context.

But how do you take the decision, or gather the courage to make yourself get away from them? Stop trying to believe they are your true friends anymore? I mean, it's so hard since they were my only friends for so long and their families felt like a second and third one to me.

But they aren't anymore, they started leaving me behind, like the plans didn't include me, gatherings didn't, parties didn't, sleepover didn't and they just took it so lightly and I'm left here, trying to figure out if there is something lacking on me, as a human being, as a friend and sometimes as a daughter when things start to fall apart at home too.

And when I get invited to something is because one of them couldn't make it, and I just became an alibi for one of them, is there something wrong to feel happy for getting so little attention from them? To finally feel included even if it's just for one day and then, in the next 20 plans I'm not included and the pattern just goes on and on.

That day of happiness and laughs turn into a week or two of anxiety, loneliness and depression. Realizing once again I'm not consider a true friend just a second if not last option. I want to think I deserve better, I think I need to cut ties with these people I don't even recognize but it's so hard, to even think what more loneliness can make to myself. The fact that I am going to loose people I still love with all my heart, it breaks me. The fact that I'm here crying so hard alone for a future grief of our friendship and they still have each other and probably don't give a damn about my friendship with them breaking down.

It's hard, and I don't know how to do it, I feel like I'm getting more and more depressed and it gets worse at night. I don't feel enough, am I being the bad friend? Or I'm I right and they are? How do I make the decision to get away for real? Loosing something so big, that means so much to me.