Confession

I have been doing this program to turn focus back to God and let go of the things I cant control. And it has realy been eye opening and hard. The things I prayed for have taken a long time to come around, but I have been noticing it. My dad moved away for work and he is finally coming home. And today I saw a double rainbow and I thought about Noah and Gods promise. But the one aspect of my life I have been pleading for in prayer still hasn't fallen into place. I have been seeing movements and changes that where necessary to get me to where I think I need to be, but the longer the wait gets, the bigger the hurt gets and I know the things meant for me will take time, but it is realy hard to wait, to not want to take control, to not not trust the process. I have always trusted my intuition but what do you do when your feelings start to clash with your faith? Maybe the hurt is the final step in the process, but it is just so hard. I have prayed all my life for the patience, kindness, understanding and maturity to be the woman who is worthy and capable of a man to spend the rest of her life with. A man who will be my best friend, a partner, a husband, a father, to build a life with. And I see God has been removing the wrong people from my life and maybe the hardest part so far has been having my best friend being called to heaven to soon. I know all this happens for a reason and my friend passing away sadly had its own lesson, he taught me how I should be loved, and to not let the good things slip away. But that is the thing, I met a guy and from the first moment we met there was this pull, we hung out and our paths separated, then we briefly hung out again and I know I could feel something more, but he just vanished again. I want to believe I am imagining my feelings, but I realy realy just want to tell him I am completely in love with him and I can't get him off my mind, believe me I have been trying so hard to let go, we haven't spoken in weeks and I want to believe that if he cared or if I was meant to be, he would have reached out by now. I get it, life happens, people get busy, but sometimes I feel he is just to busy for me. I believe what is meant for us will not pass us by, and what is not meant for us will be removed even if it hurts amd it might take years to see the bigger picture. I am just tired of waiting and having these feelings without any mutual infatuation. I know I deserve better, I know I can't be with just anyone. I know I will not be able to give a 50/50 relationship due to health issues, but I also know that the right person will give the 90 when I am at a 10, and he will know I will give my 100 when he needs it, it is give and take. I just have too much to give and it is taking so long for God to send him to me.

I guess I just wanted to put the faith versus control conflict into words to get some perspective. I know all I can do is wait.