Selfish
Hi
Just looking for help with being selfish. I’ve been told I am but don’t see it. I need general help with recognizing. I need general help with changing a selfish heart.
@leo5995 the way I see I am selfish is when I make a list of all the things and people I cannot live without.
I start being grateful for all the kindness I have received from others and I develop an appreciation of how much everything I use depends on the kindness of others. I look at my willingness to donate something to others even if only some things I no longer use or a little money.
I think selfishness falls away when we develop compassion by realizing that everyione is just like me and wants happiness and to be free of suffering.
@leo5995
Are there any specific situations where people around you are complaining that they feel like you're being selfish?
Or does the whole thing just feel completely mysterious like "I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, but other people seem unhappy"?
@QuietMagic to me selfishness is when I am more concerned or totally concerned about what is in it for me or how I may get hurt without thinking of the consequences to the other person.
@soulsings
That seems like a sensible definition. 😊 Sort of like there are multiple perspectives and sets of thoughts/feelings floating around in a situation, but there's disproportionate attention given to only one part of what's there... in a way that's almost unfair to the other perspectives that also feel like they should matter.
Nothing specific I’m being told that I do things for other but I’m really doing it for myself. So I dont know but I’m not being told of any exam-Les of when.
@leo5995
Ah, that's interesting. It sort of reminds me of Enneagram Two descriptions. Like being really helpful, but there's almost a sort of pushiness or clinginess to it of "I need to help you so that I'll feel like I'm needed". Like being attached to the idea of intervening in other people's lives and trying to help them, even if maybe they don't want/need to be helped. Having that be your identity, and feeling like your sense of self/meaning/relationship to other people would be lost if you weren't helping them.
I'm not sure if I'm on the right track with how I'm reading "doing things for others but really doing it for yourself". Does what I described above resonate at all?
This something that was said to me. I’m trying to explore all the ways it is true. Maybe it could be looking for praise from men or doing it so that I’m not challenged for not trying to help. It could also be that mentally I see the need and I try to help just because it is the right thing to do.
@leo5995
Ah, I feel like it would have been helpful if they had mentioned certain behaviors that you're doing that they don't like. Instead, the complaint feels like "you're a selfish person"... and that's a lot more generalized and ambiguous in terms of figuring out what the issue is and how to change it. As a result, now you're sort of second-guessing and finding fault with everything about yourself.
Do you think there's anything you do that is excessively selfish?
If not, maybe could ask the person who said you were selfish if they're willing to explain what you're doing that they're unhappy about?
I think maybe I focus on myself. I think of my own desires. I try to get them and don’t think if I’m hurting someone else. Like maybe I want to do something and am not thinking about how it hurts God.
@leo5995
Gotcha, do you feel okay with how things are and what you're doing?
Also, stumbled across this and felt like sharing. Sort of feels like it approaches selfishness not in terms of "let's completely eliminate selfishness" but rather "let's have a broader understanding of what makes us happy/unhappy and understand that it's often in our own best interests to be aware of our impact on others and care for others".
https://www.skepticspath.org/blog/how-to-be-intelligently-selfish-dalai-lama/
Not at all I’m trying to learn to think of other as more important then myself. I am not getting it right. As other continue to comment on it.
@leo5995
Yeah, it's a life-long thing that everybody's working on. 💜 Just having the thought of, "I want to make sure I'm not hurting others" and letting that manifest in different ways (i.e. checking to see how people are doing, trying to understand what's happening when people are hurt, talking with others to see if there's anything you can do to not hurt people) can go a long way.
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-selfish-7096599
With thinking of other people as more important than yourself, there are extremes in the other direction to be careful of also (i.e. sacrificing yourself to the point of experiencing burnout or compassion fatigue, being taken advantage of by people who take endlessly unless if you set boundaries). Have done those and it's not fun, so nowadays I personally feel safer taking the approach of "I care about myself, and other people have similar feelings, so I care about them too".