Stuck
I have been feeling that life has been a bit too unreasonable and unfair lately. I am a spiritual person but lately I have been so furious (although that is not a strong enough word to express my rage and anger) with God. I have always been able to find the lesson and the silver lining but I have been trying for so long now and I just can't. I find myself screaming at him at the top of my lungs some days, I just don't know how to live with a God that sits back and lets the ones who deserve some compassion, who is there for EVERYONE, suffer alone.
I have been cheated on, beat by jealous boyfriends, used for one night stands, and most of the time I saw the lesson eventually. Now, I dont. I just feel like I deserve my happy ending, but it never comes. It keeps raining, I keep drowning, and he saves me just enough to keep on drowning.
My sister-inlaw's dad suddenly got terminal cancer his whole body through, that was 6 months ago. He shot himself three weeks ago. He died obviously. Try explaining this to my two year old nephew. I understand that he was in too much pain to handel it anymore, and honestly I did not like him very much, but somehow it hit way to close to home. I am scared to death of losing my father, he is 71 and because of my half-brother, that is 41 years old and living at home with him and my mom, my dad has to work out of town the whole week for next to nothing in the middle of nowhere. I see him on weekends, only because I also live in town. My half-brother has been here sponging on my parents for over 4 years now, playing xbox all day, not wanting to work because it is to hot or to cold of whatever. He doesn't even look for work anymore. My dad has been very depressed and my mom is always angry and taking it out on my dad. I hate my half-brother. He has been indirectly robbing me of MY father. His father was a cheating, peace of rubish that left my mom when he was two, he does not get to take my dad away from me, maybe if he started pulling his weight it wouldn't be so bad, but he honestly is worthless and I don't consider him family.
On top of this, I have been diagnosed with SLE, primarily affecting my digestive system, nervous system and joints and bones. I am in pain 90% of the time, and in a few weeks I have to undergo testing to see if my fertility is being affected. The one thing I want in the world is to get married, have children and be a family. I seems more and more like that is never going to happen. I have no friends and mens run in the opposite direction.
I am working on a clerks salary, while doing my articles and studying towards an accounting degree. I am tired all the time and constantly making mistakes because I am tired and then I get in trouble and lose all motivation. I never sleep anymore, I am in a constant state of anxiety, grief and fear. I had to sleep with the light on last night, just to fall asleep.
I am realy struggling, I promise I am not suicidalor anything like that, but I need life to stop existing for just a minute.
Is it wrong to believe that God is finding joy in letting me suffer alone and taking everything from me? I just don't know how to move on past this one.
@LostNotFound404
I don't think God is letting you suffer and just sitting back and watching.
But I understand completely why you would think that.
It's so lonely sometimes and our faith is strong and a comfort but equally we are still human and we doubt and we wish sometimes we would just have times where it's smooth sailing and not always a test.
I'm sorry that this man died in such horrific circumstances.
That's heartbreaking 🩷
Life can be so cruel!
All you can do is hold onto the good moments, cherish them and squeeze every inch of happiness you can get.
We'll never know Gods full plan until we are before Him.
I think all you can do at work is your best.
Enjoy time with your parents and don't let your brother take away anymore of your peace or energy 💙
@LostNotFound404
You are carrying an amount of pain that would crush most people, and the fact that you are still here, still trying to understand life instead of becoming completely bitter, says more about your strength than you probably realize right now.
I do not think God is enjoying your suffering. I think you are exhausted, heartbroken, grieving, angry, physically drained, and trying to make sense of too many wounds happening at once. Anyone in your position would be furious. Anger does not make you a bad spiritual person. Sometimes anger is what grief sounds like when it has nowhere else to go.
You have been hurt by people who were supposed to love you. You are watching your father struggle while feeling powerless to stop it. You are dealing with illness, fear, loneliness, pressure, and uncertainty about the future you dreamed of. That is not just stress. That is survival-level emotional weight.
And yet, I want to say this clearly: your life is not over because life is hard right now. Your story has not reached its final chapter. The exhaustion in your mind is making forever out of what is currently happening. Pain does that. It lies and says, This is all there will ever be. But life changes, even when it changes slowly.
Your half-brother’s failures are not your identity.
Your illness is not your identity.
The men who hurt you do not get to define your worth.
And the fact that you have not received the love and peace you deserved yet does not mean you never will :)
Right now, I honestly think you need less pressure to find the lesson and more permission to admit that what happened to you was unfair and painful. Not every wound arrives with immediate meaning. Sometimes healing starts by simply saying: This hurts deeply.
You do not have to solve your whole future tonight. You just need to survive this season without abandoning yourself.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time if needed.
And please remember this: drowning people are not weak because they are tired. They are tired because they have been trying to stay afloat for too long.
You aren't alone in this ❤️
I keep thinking about this one scene from The Shack by WM Paul Young, where Mac the main character gets into a conversation with God (the person representingGod) and he tells God that he has a bad habit of disappearing when we need him most, even on the cross Jesus called out, My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me? And the bit that sticks with me is where God tells Mac that he shouldn't ever think what he asked Jesus to go through didn't cost them both dearly and God shows Mac the scars on his wrists from where Jesus was crucified - he never left Jesus. I used to love this metaphor and I still do, but it still raises trouble in my faith about why we still suffer (and I have read the book as well and that God didn't want slaves, he wanted children with free will to choose him and make their own choises).
I keep thinking about this one scene from The Shack by WM Paul Young, where Mac the main character gets into a conversation with God (the person representingGod) and he tells God that he has a bad habit of disappearing when we need him most, even on the cross Jesus called out, My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me? And the bit that sticks with me is where God tells Mac that he shouldn't ever think what he asked Jesus to go through didn't cost them both dearly and God shows Mac the scars on his wrists from where Jesus was crucified - he never left Jesus. I used to love this metaphor and I still do, but it still raises trouble in my faith about why we still suffer (and I have read the book as well and that God didn't want slaves, he wanted children with free will to choose him and make their own choises).
