Conflict resolution Game Thread.. READ the intro please..
Responding to aggression or other problematic behavior can be a challenge. Like really, how often do you really know what to say? I've been doing this a little while and there are times when I'm stumped. It happens people.. you just gotta be flexible and think fast on your feet sometimes.
So here's the game..
I start by making an aggressive comment..
Others who provide the comments in the future, PLEASE don't try evade the swear filter or threaten to do something really painful, I am all about realistic training, but let's not get anyone in trouble.
So I start with an aggressive comment of sorts.. The next five people give their best suggestion for a response for it. Around the 5th or so response, myself or someone will provide a new comment to work with.
If someone, experienced please, wants to give thoughtful and HELPFUL, feedback or a suggestion in the form of a revision, to a response, please do so. We are here to learn.
To start with..
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New comment posted further down, will be clearly marked. LOOK for iiit!
"You have the feeling I don't really listen, or care, or think about how I respond to you, and that isn't what you want from me."
@DaveMcGrath – Good game! When stumped, I fall back on reflection, trying to reflect the feeling accurately as well as the words.
@RarelyCharlie
"Don't tell me how I feel!!"
:P
"Not tell you how you feel?"
"OK"
@DaveMcGrath – Still just reflecting here, without changing the subject. I did read the intro as requested, and as described it seemed like it would have been a good game 
@RarelyCharlie
Some good responses so far, might be helpful to others some day.
"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"
@DaveMcGrath – Well, obviously we could continue like this forever, but this was not the game I read about in your intro. I hope others contribute responses that illustrate different approaches we can all learn from.
@RarelyCharlie
:P
@DaveMcGrath
"I promise that all my responses and replies are genuine and that I am not a bot but a human being. You're right, I do care about things such as my hearts, badges, levels, and roles but that's because I put alot of effort into my volunteer work as a listener. I like getting feedback that what I do here matters. Also, I do care about each person I talk to even more than all of those things. What goals do you have for today's chat session with me? How can I best support you today?"
@summertimeSamness
ohhhhh... nice, well done
@DaveMcGrath
Sassy but classy is my speciality XD
@summertimeSamness
If youse gots the sass, you gots the sass.
It sounds like you're angry about something. Did somethig happen that made you angry and want to lash out?
@DaveMcgrath
@magneticForever58
I think i would rephrase the last part somehow. Angry people can at times have very little control over their emotions. By including the comment lashing out, you run the risk of having them think something like, "Oh if you that that was lashing out, wait until you see what I have for you next.."
@DaveMcGrath Can you help me out? Can we take 1 minute time out from conversation? I would really appreciate if you try breathing in and out Deeply for a minute. I will wait for you here. After the 1 minute , just look within yourself and look at your emotions. Is the feeling of wanting to lash out still very strong or has it diminiss a little?
@faithlove1111
Looks good to me faith, keep at it.
@DaveMcGrath
I was expecting a response like you did with charlie.
@magneticForever58
gotcha will give it a go tonight when I have more time
@DaveMcGrath
Considering that they said you never listen implies that you've talked to them at least once before, I would have had some sort of idea on what type of person this is. Also if they're talking about hearts and badges that would mean that they're pretty familiar with the site and how it works (they've been around). Then if they said that you use an excel spreadsheet; I would take that to mean that they've put some time and thought into this and promising them that you care could potentially make them more angry than helping them to realize that they're lashing out.
I like the admitting that you care about your hearts and badges approach but that would be essentially telling them something that they already know. I think that reminding them about these things or defending yourself on how you listen is both lingering on the topic and allowing them to further attack you. In this case I would like to try and take the focus off of myself and the past and bring it back to why they are talking with me now. What I care about and how I listen are irrelevant. What is relevant is that they're upset about something and want to be heard.
You could remind them that this is all voluntary and that you wouldn't have signed up as a listener and come here as often as you do if you didn't really care about helping people. But at this point they've already decided what they think and trying to convince them that they're wrong could just get into a long and drawn out rant that doesn't get to the root of the issue. If all they want is to vent, then maybe that would do it.
Have you considered that this person may not be angry at all and in tears? It's difficult to judge someone's emotional state through text.
Either way I see this as a guilt trip and attacking of ones sense of self.
@magneticForever58
I think you've made a really thoughtful and insightful analysis into the person's thinking. Probably for more thought into it than I put into writing the comment. Are you able to do this sort of analysis on the fly during a live chat?
@DaveMcGrath
I did my best to answer without spending too much time thinking about it. I was trying to stay true to the game and act like a response in a live chat. And yes I'll agree that it might have been a little bit pushing it, but yes i did consider those points in the short time i took to reply.
@magneticForever58
That's impressive, you'll do well by the members who you chat with.
@DaveMcGrath
Actually, I can see why it may feel that way your end: it is true that listeners feel encouraged and validated by hearts, badges, and some listeners may let that take too much importance sometimes, it is human. It is also true that as listeners, we can access spreadsheets with examples of answers. For the vast majority of listeners who are truely trying to help, it is only meant as a learning tool, or as a resource for a beginner if we are worried we may cause upset to the member or guest. And you have a point, for a hundred volunteers really actively listening, you will probably find a handful who, as you said, "suck". I have the feeling that maybe a previous chat with a fellow listener left you feeling upset and not heard, which would make you understandably angry. In any case, how about you and I give it a try, at any pont in the chat, you can say "no that is not it, you didn't hear me", and I'll try again, and then if you still feel the same at the end of our chat, you can tell me frankly? Would you like to give it a go?
@Charlie40
quality, very nice.
@DaveMcGrath
:-)
would that sort of reply make you want to re engage then? not annoy you further?
I'm confused about this game. Are we now doing forum listening?
@magneticForever58
It is a bit of a confusing game isn't it? Something for me to consider next time.
@magneticForever58
I think what Dave is trying to do is imagine what could happen in a one to one chat, with an angry or conflictual comment being put,(or in the forum, also, maybe), and see what ideas we can come up with to address that angry comment. So, maybe not a game as in fun and games, but something to see how the responses we give may either trigger on more angry comment, or manage to defuse and clam the anger. Dave, did I get that right?
@Charlie40
I understand that charlie. My point is that in a live chat we don't have the luxury of sitting and thinking about it to give a well thought out response like we do in the forum. Whats the point of training with well thougth out responses if thats not going to be possible when your actually doing the listening.
@magneticForever58
Practicing possible scenarios before hand and learning from the way other people respond helps you add skills to your listener tool belt. Whenever I see a response from a listener that I like I screenshot it and try to remember it so that I can use it for later in my conversations. I try to use things I learn from every listener and mock chats to adapt into my own listener style. It's like practicing any skill, the more you do it the more natural and advanced you become
@magneticForever58
Yes, in a life time situation, it is a lot harder to summon an answer we think ok, especially if the person at the other end is upset. I think that is the point of Dave's game: we see what we can come up with in calm settings, with a bit of breathing time, and we'll remember the best options for when it may happen in a chat.
"Why are you being racist? STOP IT!"
*simulated responses in italics, discussion in regular font.
please note, this is a role play exercise too improve our responses"
@DaveMcGrath
I am so sorry if some of my previous replies came accross as racist. Sometimes what we say, no matter how culturally open we feel, can carry some bias we are still unaware of. For me there is only one race, the human race, but that doesnt necessarily mean I am free of all bias or predjudice. Could you tell me what you perceived as racist in what I said, so that I can avoid it from now on?
@Charlie40
Yeah that's a nice way to finish it, by opening the door to having the explain what the problem was, you give them another chance to be heard. Their reaction to you earlier might be stemming from a larger problem elsewhere. It can be hard to get to the bottom of a proble at times.
I comprehend your feelings and understand what you are saying. I can feel that you need to be heard and I am here to listen to you@DaveMcGrath
