Conflict resolution: the importance of timing
Sometimes there is an idea or policy we don't think is feasible or we find upsetting. How we compose our response, and thus how it is interpreted, may determine if our concerns are heard. When we are upset and respond we are more likely to use confusing sentence structur and language, as our emotional state is influencing our thought process.
This can be true when participating in a room, in a forum, and in pms. It can happen on volunteer teams, it can happen everywhere.
In rooms you can mute the person you find upsetting, or choose to leave it until your emotional state feels good again instead of engaging in conflict.
In forums you can choose not to respond, or come back after you've had some time to process and craft an un-heated response.
And so on.
The next time you are feeling yourself getting upset, take a moment to collect yourself and walk away until you feel calm. See if it helps you resolve the issue to only communicate when you are not triggered or emotionally upset.
@Jill7Cups
Well said
If only I knew that walking away would make a change. Too late.
Thank you
@LadyInSilence I feel you, we all have our moments when we respond in anger/fear/frustration/insert emotion here.
@Jill7Cups There are several ways people can respond when they're trying to be persuasive about an idea or policy they wish to change. For example, at Changing Minds there's an article that describes Four Persuasion Styles.
It seems to me that the recommendation here is for what that article calls the thinking style and against what it calls the feeling style.
According to that article, the thinking style is for people who would agree with statements like: "I need time to think about what's best" and "It can be difficult when people get emotional".
The feeling style is for people who would agree with statements like: "I use gut-feel to know what's best" and "It can be difficult when people are coldly logical".
But the article describes a second dimension, the Negative-Positive dimension.
Negative: "I don't have time to make people happy when persuading them" and "People are often selfish in their choices".
Positive: "It is essential when persuading to ensure people act because they really want to" and "People are often considerate in their choices, especially when they are treated well".
Combining the two dimensions results in four styles overall. (Other sources describe persuasion styles in different ways, and there are often more of them.)
It seems to me that the style people tend to use is largely learnt in the context of their family and their wider culture. For this reason it doesn't seem likely to me that reading a post in a forum is likely to change anyone's style.
Furthermore, it doesn't seem likely to me that anyone will be be persuaded by a post written in a thinking-negative style if their natural learnt style is one of the other three combinations.
My gut feeling (for readers whose natural style is feeling-based) is that 7 Cups should be inclusive, and that we should try to accommodate people who use all four styles. The reason for this (for readers whose natural style is thinking-based) is that being inclusive maximizes 7 Cups' reach and effectiveness.
I would be particularly dismayed (feeling) if those of us at 7 Cups who have strong feelings and quick reactions were to find themselves sidelined in favour of the slow and coldly logical, when (thinking) 7 Cups is intended to be for emotional support.
My impression (feeling) is that conflict at 7 Cups can often be troublesome to resolve, and that (thinking) this may sometimes be because valuable contributions risk being discarded when they are expressed in the "wrong" style, so that people who know their style is wrong walk away and don't contribute at all. The result is conflict avoidance, leading to a cycle of continuing conflict, instead of conflict resolution.
Charlie
@Jill7Cups
And there are times when there are people in the room that are the "immutable". They are in a position of authority and they are very happy to let you know as such.
Someones style for conflict resolution can change over the course of 3 months dependent upon the situation at hand. You can bring great habits to the table that you employ irl. You use these techniques on 7 cups. These are the same techniques 7 cups teaches. You ignore. Behavior continues. You ignore and leave the area to stay out of harms way. Behavior continues. You address the issue with the "offending" party in a pm in a kind and compassionate way. Behavior continues. You follow the chain of command and report. Behavior continues. You report and avoid and report and avoid. Behavior continues. You see the same things happening to others. You report. Behavior continues.
Over the course of 3 months with someone being allowed to continue the offensive behavior on a daily basis, that you are confident are not in alignment with the 7 cups value system, I imagine it is quite easy for the mild mannered, patient, proper reporting style to change for a moment out of fear, hurt and frustration. This can be exhibited as appearing a bit angry.
And so the message is truly lost and the victim is then blamed, everyone continues on the same path. The abuser is happy, was happy to begin with and will continue to be so. The only thing that changes are the victims. People give up, retreat finally. It is wise to realize the things that cannot change.
@PhoenixArisen Good point. I've seen that, too. Not in the rooms because I avoid them, but elsewhere at 7 Cups.
Charlie
