Im a monster

Hey there, @plumMap5107. I have read your post and have thought that it sounded like you were going through a very difficult time at the moment. You have mentioned feeling lost and hopeless, and feeling caught within piling up issues can very understandably induce and reinforce those feelings - and experiencing guilt and self-reproaches because of addiction or substance abuse really can add another layer of pain and destructivity to them. I am very sorry that it has been so rough for you, and am proud of you for sharing your thoughts with us despite the pain, and despite the isolation addiction can cause.

I wish to say that especially after going through or actively dealing with demanding issues, substance abuse is more an (often compulsive) symptom than an isolated problem or a simple habit. It tends to occur when precipitated by emotionally significant, particularly distressing events. Experiencing such events and dealing with its symptoms does absolutely not make you a monster - feeling hurt, overwhelmed, hopeless, and wanting the pain to subside for at least a while are all very human, and very natural wishes and emotions. We don't want to suffer, and our bodies are programmed to accept stimulants, depressants and/or hallucinogens that take the edge off the pain with open arms. Regardless of your experiences, struggles and symptoms, you are human and you deserve support, respect and acceptance. Substance abuse does not make your feelings, wishes and experiences any less valid.

Understanding what makes these past events and experiences that have contributed to your substance use so emotionally important and hurtful can play a key role in exploring how they can be replaced by other emotionally meaningful actions that are not addictions or substance abuse, and that are more productive and healthy. Often, professional support can be helpful in guiding you through resolving those problems and finding less damaging coping methods, especially since addiction has a high comorbidity with many psychological disorders that can be diagnosed and treated. Often, addressing the larger picture and resolving the more deep-seated, underlying problems can make substance recovery much easier and more continuous.

Even though substance abuse is a symptom, managing it is in our power and there is a lot we might try to do to gain more control over our situation on our own, or complementing treatment. After all, even therapy demands our conscious decision and effort to recover! Perhaps this Substance Misuse Self-Help Resource might help you; I personally find it very insightful and practically helpful! There is also the 7Cups Alcohol and Drug Abuse Self-Help Guide, as well as the the 12-Step Working Guide, if this is a concept that fits you.

You are also mote than welcome to message me, should you feel like talking to someone in the future. Stay strong and all the best, I hope you will be feeling at least a bit better soon!