Curse of independence
Not sure if this is the right place(sorry if it isn't), but here we go.
I need to rant.
I'm sorry, but the christmas tree looks so d**m pretty, and my family is out skiing and being positive, and everyone says Merry Christmas, and... I'm so fed up.
I love my family, but I also feel like it's a transparent wall between them and me. My mom tried to talk to me about my feelings yesterday (bless her), but I couldn't tell her anything. You see, in our family, independence has always been a compliment. Not only a compliment, but something we need to be at all times. My mom occasionally asks if I'm okay, but if I'm honest, and say: "no, I actually need help" I'm suddenly weak, and need to pull myself together.
I therefor never(almost) ask for help. I need help. Sometimes desperately, but I still stay silent (or go somewhere nobody will see me and cry my eyes out/hyperventilate until I think my lungs will rupture).
I dropped out of nursing school last year, and wanted to pursue medicine. I got into med school, but I got so anxious I couldnt eat for five days(I was so dizzy I could barely stand up), so I decided to wait another year to reconsider. I called my mom and told her I need help, because I was just so confused. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless, and I cried. A lot. Later, I got a call from my dad. He wanted to meet me for a cup of coffee at a local cafe.
I met him, and he said he heard about my phone call with mom. He told me to stop calling mom when I was struggling. He said she's very tired, and can't solve my issues. He told me to pull myself together. He said I was an adult (I was 22, now I'm 23). I agree that I need to pull myself together, and I felt so bad for my mom. She WAS tired. However, I also felt extremely hurt.
A friend of mine called me two days ago, complaining about a painful tooth. He'd barely been able to eat all day. I couldnt feel sorry for him. It actually annoyed me. I thought: "Why do you call me and complain for something so minor? I had to go through worse, and I handled it myself. Pull yourself together!"
I hate that part about myself, because I'm literally thinking the same thing my parents told me(which hurt me). I'm trying to change it.
Being independent is viewed as such a great thing. It's the first thing that comes up in a conversation if my parents talk about me with friends. "She's so independent!". Yes, but it's ruining me.
Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system by writing it down here. It's literally the only place I could turn to. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on this. I don't know.
Okay, rant over. Thank you, and have a good day. - or have a day. That works too.
- Emma
@emmaley
independence is fine but it does not mean you do not need help and some people to lean on when needed. so many think this total independence thing is a good idea but for most it makes them a wreck you are not alone feeling that way
So sorry you're feeling this way or having to experience this.
I get that your family cares for you, but they're supposed to be your safe place where you can fall apart if you so will & not be stifled or fake a front when you're otherwise get drowned in issues.
I experienced the same thing, its just that my family doesn't tell me to pull myself together, instead they blame me for what is happening and try to twist my words out of point.
I didn't go home for the holidays because I just couldn't handle it. I'd rather be alone than be where I can't be all parts of myself.
& What your dad said hurt. No one should tell their children that, I'm sorry to say. .
Even if one is an adult doesn't mean we've got everything figured out.
We all need a shoulder to lean on, even at age 80. .
I hope you heal and get reconnected to those soft, vulnerable and caring parts of you.
It's what makes you human and the world needs more of those
Thankful to be here, at least we find a safe place in annoynymity.
To healing friend💙
And I'll suggest, if hanging around them makes you feel bottled up & unable to express yourself, you should go where you can.
Maybe accept them as they are, but don't leave your struggles & feelings bottled up. Let it find expression!
Take care❤️
@emmaley So sorry you're feeling this way or having to experience this.
@plumSugar2711
I'm sorry for the late reply. I've read your reply several times and felt much calmer afterwards, so thank you for that, truly.
It hurts me that your parents treat you that way by twisting your words and blaming you. I hope you found some peace during the holidays, even if you weren't spending it with them. All we can do is try to fall in love with life everyday. How we do it is up to us, and I wish there was a recipe for it.
Take care lovely stranger, and have a good day/night. <3
(and im sorry if my english is a little weirdly put together at times. It's my second language)
