Feeling good
My personality has shown many colors over the years.
The feedback i got from people once was that im too intimidating... I guess they saw "anger" in my body language... and i think I know the source of it.... ive felt unaccepted (due to various reasons) and that made me always on guard/ defensive ..
But after I realised I was making people feel scared I felt wrong... and in order to protect them from my tormenting vibe, I withdrew , keeping to myself as much as I could... that too of course invited another perspective that I thought of myself too proud to mix with others.
That's not it...
I've been rejected for being immature/ childish.
I've been rejected for sharing any knowledge I have because it doesn't conform to the other person's taste.
My expression has been rejected because im told im not expression 'rightly'. Im not fitting the mould they have in mind for me- and somehow im to live upto everyone's vision of me.
I've been rejected for being shy - (mocked as meek)
I've been rejected for being bold- (shamed on expressing passion)
I've been rejected for sounding too happy as it was inconsiderate to others feeling less happy - I was expected to tune into their mood.
I've been rejected for wanting to pursue my dreams - because it sounded selfish to them.
I've been rejected for wanting to wish things for myself - because they wanted to determine my blessings by preaching to me to wish for something else they found better for me.
I've been rejected for being too sad- I was supposed to fit in normally like everyone else and act cheerful as it was the right thing to do.
I've been rejected for feeling too sensitive - too much emotion is not respectable somehow.
I've been rejected for showing care - because it wasn't good enough.
I've been rejected for asking for things - because I didnt have right to have my demands accepted.
I've been rejected for being rebellious - because trying to break free from your circumstances is morally wrong.
I've been rejected for keeping secrets because somehow they've had a right to pry into my life.
I've been put to shame all the time for not doing enough, for being weak physically mentally emotionally and spiritually.
What im saying is --- no 'expression' of mine has been accepted....
And guess what? After all this crushing of the spirit- my spirit is still free from their authority. After all this - I am actually okay with how I am - because I truly feel they dont count. The only way im acceptable is when im seen as an inferior, a puppet who is meant to conform to everything. And guess what? I dont care because in my mind i dont feel inferior and I never will. I feel worthy and powerful..... I feel fairly certain that the one who has created me doesn't see me as defective as I've been made out to be. Im never going to be perfect because no person can ever be that - its not a standard to aim for humans - perfection is for divine only - and im okay with my ups and downs and different shades of expression and experiments to learn and contribute.. I accept all of me with joy as I strongly believe does my Maker 🙂
@Creamyyy you have a very strong mind and that's amazing 💖 I'm glad you accept yourself just the way you are, I know that's not always easy to do especially when people always try to knock you down. But yes of course in our creators eyes you are the most beautiful version of you there could ever be 💗 cause all your little quirks make you who you are and you are loved here and accepted just the way you are 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you 💗
@Tinywhisper11 I love you too ❤️
@Creamyyy 💖💖
@Creamyyy Your post inspires me. I identify with something in each line. If I may ask, was it a select group of people who made you feel this way over and over, like family? Or did you experience these things over many relationships? I have had moments over the years where I felt I’d let go of others’ expectations, but lately this kind of thing has really defeated me. I’ve been caught in the same cycles, changing everything I can think of, but I seem to end up back in roughly the same place. I’d like to try to get there again, letting go. I want to think that things can get better.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I experienced this with a set of people. Which is why it broke me. Because if so many people were rejecting my company, I must be inadequate in some way, I thought.
It's not that they didn't appreciate any good in me. They probably did.. I think I've been a little biased too in analysis of my experiences, dwelling on the negativity more than the positivity. I guess I just wanted more than what people were willing to give me. But you cant place yourself at anyone's disposal- they cant feel your energy or read your soul ... they are limited by perception too as am I.
Critique from others is also good even if initially hard to take because you filter through it through your own reason - in my case a lot of it was undeserved but some might have some merit in the particular contexts.
I do strongly feel I will be accepted socially in the way my heart desires... but the route to it might be different than what I thought. For example, sharing my insights on this forum has brought me a lot of acceptance and I wasn't expecting it... so I feel there is hope... I'm not going to be a people pleaser . Im going to stay authentic to my voice. But - my voice might evolve with my experiences. And that growth is something I welcome.
@Creamyyy I really love reading your thoughts. You have such an articulate and balanced way of explaining things that clicks with me.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas thank you for your appreciation. It means a lot . I enjoy your posts as well. You sound honest, gentle and wise. Glad our paths crossed. ♥️
