I'm not a likeable person.

People hate me and when I say they hate me, I mean they actively hate me. Everywhere I go, I'm mocked and harassed by other people. I'm a 27 year old woman. Ever since I was in middle school, everyone has said bad things about me. I am awkward because in 7th grade, I hit my head on a propane tank and got pulled out of school and never went back to public school at least. I isolated for 14 years after that. I then got bullied by my sisters the next year. I think this is what started the isolation and kept it going.

Everyone has said, basically the same things about me. "I hate her!" "I don't like her!" "She's weird!" "She's a freak!" "She's a r*t*rd!" "She's a loser!" I've even heard my parents call me a loser and that really took a toll on my self esteem. I mean if they think it, then I must be really f'ed up! This is also a reason why I will never pour my heart out to my mom again. She always calls me this when I tell her I'm depressed or suicidal. 

All of this really makes me hate myself and I hear it from everyone. Even strangers. I don't even need to say a word and people will start saying awful things about me, but this can very well be attributed to my lack in the looks department as well. People are not afraid to start talking crap about me when I'm right next to them. They always feel a strong need to make their hate known for me and I think this is because they don't want others to think they support the "weird girl". They want to be accepted by the in group by very obviously casting me out of it and making that known.

I feel really bad about myself and am honestly very afraid of going different places because people tend to bully me and no one cares about my feelings at all. Their dislike is that strong for me. I once went to a small clinic like place where I told them I was suicidal and the counselor there, walked out of the room and closed the door and I heard him say he didn't like me. I heard all the other staff agreeing and an eruption of laughter, which is not at all uncommon amongst staff in any medical place I've been. Then I started crying. They all saw me like that and one of the nurses said, "I ALMOST feel bad for her!" I felt like sh*t after that! This is one of the reaskn's I rarely ever express my emotions around people. If someone says something nasty about me within earshot, I don't reacf. I just act like I didn't hear it. I also am very socially anxious and shy. I only ever stood up for myself once and they left me alone. I look weak, I hunch over, I hold my head down and I avoid eye contact 

Another time, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and it didn't take much for the nurses and people around me to start saying bad things about me. I heard them say my nose was too big for my mask and that my clothes were ugly after they took them to wash them. It was the worst hospitalization experience I've ever had! As usual, I was in my room and heard other patients start saying bad things about me. That my face was "disgusting". That "If I were her, I'd just end it!" Just picking apart my every flaw, which is normal in my daily life. People just love to do that to me for some reason. I'm just that unlikeable I guess. It really hurts me. I feel defeated every tine I come home from just going to the store. I usually wear my headphones non stop so that I can't hear it because It freaks me out that bad. I get huge waves of anxiety and feel like I can't take it. I do have gad not sure if that would make it worse though. I'm finding it hard to want to put myself out there. I do want friends though. I feel so alone! I don't see anybody else going through the same things. They interact flawlessly and people like them! Can make eye contact without looking away too!

In that same hospitalization, one of the group counselors asked me to read my art project thing and switches her gaze from me to another nurse and loudly says, "she's weird!" Every group session, it was like I was being used to throw tomatoes at because the group counselors would make subtle jokes aimed at me and everyone would laugh and I was so embarassed I had to stop attending them. These were specific things I'd shared about myself. Then when I didn't want to join group the counselor who did it the most practically begged me to join. "You should join us in group or you can just sit here and do you're LITTLE CROSSWORD PUZZLES!" she said that so angrily. There were a few other people that were doing their own thing too, but she never asked them to join at all. 

I feel like people love to humiliate me and humble me. Like I did something wrong to them. They're really out for blood when it comes to me. I just don't get it. I'm quiet and I mind my own business. I'm never trying to hurt people. I don't gossip, I don't start trouble, I would never hurt anyone!

I feel like crap! I wish I could just do what I want to do and live my life without being afraid or even having to wear headphones. I wish I could be likeable, but nodbody does. Not even my family. My mom says she hates me and can't stand me. My dad does too. I can tell. I am liked by some people, but that's rare. I had a counselor who considered me her friend, but that didn't end well because my privacy was breached.

I wish I could like myself.