Lightblue77 Member Profile

Fed up with my stupid parents!!!

Family & Caregivers / by Lightblue77

February 16th

...See more I'm on ssi and at least once every month, they are asking me for 170 to 220 dollars. Today is valentines day and my dad asked me to give him money so that he could "show my mom a good time". It is obvious to me this was for gambling. Well, as I always do, i gave him the 220 through a money sending app. NOW, my mother is asking for 220 more!!! She might not even be able to give me my money back until march 3rd and that was the money I had for the rest of this month! These are my living expenses and my parents think I'm rich! They are BOTH deliberately lying to me about what the money is for! "We are stuck at xyz because we can't pay for x! Help us! We can't go home until we pay the money!!" This is the lie every time! If I tell them no, it's always "We help you! We let you eat our food! Use our kitchen!" I pay for my own food and eat their's sometimes, but I pay for it. I have bought ingredients and stuff from resturaunts so we all could eat. Then they start saying, "You NEVER help out! You're eating OUR food!!" I pay for that crap! You never help us!! Bla bla bla! I always give them gambling money! I've been tricked into believing the same lie everytime and feeling so bad, I just give them the money and they don't come home until like 7 hours later! I HATE having to walk all 4 of their dogs and then they start saying, If gou don't give us the money, you'll have to walk our dogs!! I give them the money and they literally don't come home for hours!!! The place they go to is only like 30 mins to an hour away! I am *** at them! I feel like an idiot! Yes, they do pay it back, but they act like I'm STACKED or something! Am I overreacting? How do I stop giving them money? I'm only fueling their addiction and my grandpa gets in on it and says he'll pay me back with his check money. I feel so mad! They think a disabled woman is made of money.

I don't feel like I have enough time.

20 & Over / by Lightblue77

February 16th

...See more You only get one life and the majority of my young life was spent in my room because of social anxiety. People actually laugh at me for being socially unskilled. It's like I'm in highschool again, but I'm 27. I basically get bullied by complete strangers and those who see me a lot. It's just, I don't want to spend my life friendless and single. I am really scared of having my first date in my 40's. I'm scared of BECOMING 40 and not having had a job or boyfriend. My parents want me to stay on their property because they say the land is mine when they die. I live in my own little cabin. I don't want to rot so, I'm going to force myself to get out. I guess I'm just worried. I only have one life and not as many years left and I'm just wasting it, not knowing what I want to do with it. I had a couneslor that told me about how she got married in her 30's and that I'm just a late bloomer and I should live life at my own pace. I just feel the complete opposite! My parents sheltered me my whole life and my mom doesn't want me to get married or move away. Not that I have plans to do either of those things, I just hate having no life. Btw, I'm on ssi for being bipolar.

Just found out that bullies have high self esteem.

Self-Esteem / by Lightblue77

February 11th

...See more I've been reading a few articles that say that bullies are smart, socially savvy people and not insecure. I've witnessed some that are, but It just makes me anxious. I get harassed by groups of people when I go up town. The bullying I experience is relational. I think it's because I'm socially awkward and the people around me think they're better than I am. I can see it from the smirks on their faces. I mean, they are naturals at socializing. Me? Not at all! I honestly wish I would've just went back to public school because this is h*ll! Lol. I HATE not being able to socialize because everyone thinks they have a free pass to be mean to me. I get called a loser a lot. Honestly, it makes me mad, but I get too anxious to say anything about it. I hate being everyone's punching bag because my social skills are crap. Even my parents gossip about me. It's not in the "concerned" way, it's "your daughter's a loser!" I actually overheard my mom saying that while talking to my dad on the phone. Now, I know that most of the people that bully me are only doing so to entertain themselves/fit in with the socially relevant people. I hate how I'm viewed that way. It is so embarassing! I just didn't think that high school stuff would matter anymore.

How to feel better about being copied???

Family & Caregivers / by Lightblue77

February 6th

...See more So basically, I have a sister who is older than me that has copied nearly everything I want or do regarding my style. This sister is pretty. I'm the ugly sister. What bothers me is how she's copying what I want and my goals and getting those things. Before, she copied the way I did my eyeliner, my eye color and my hair color. I HATED the way I did my eyeliner. I don't do it that way anymore. It wasn't a wing and she copied me of all people when she has the space to do her liner in a wing shape. I'm just really upset because this sister has bullied me for being ugly. She is still the loudest when it comes to announcing that. It seems like she's trying to be just like me, but she has some very mean things to say about me with the family. I'm not considering myself a part of it because of how they treat me. I now realize that none of this had anything to do with me. It was insecurity on my sister's part, but that still doesn't help me. I still feel mad at her for copying this most recent thing and I feel like she's getting all the credit for it. I'm scared she will do this with everything and it will make me feel like crap! What do I do? Not telling her anything is the most obvious thing. Btw. She's 31 and I'm 28.

Getting annoyed by my Mom.

Family & Caregivers / by Lightblue77

February 4th

...See more She hates me. She always has ever since I was born. She's really nice to my face and mean to me behind my back. Everything that I tell her is spread and made fun of by the other family members. Especially my dad. I'm pretty sure my mlm made him hate me. They all send me funny videos and so I send some back, but my mom doesn't think anything I send her or say is funny in any way at all! Nothing I say impresses her or makes her proud. I get so anxious tocome around because my mom laughs at me in my face and lets my sisters say awful things about me, but that's when I leave. She doesn't stopthem at all. In fact, she joins in and last time said she hated me and couldn't stand me, which I can tell. She wears her annoyance on her face. It just makes me so mad that I continue to talk to her and she runs and tells the whole family, especially if it's something embarassing. Secrets get told and I get made fun of. The last couple of times I felt suicidal. I poured my heart out to her and every time she comes home and tells the rest of the family that I'm a loser. I literally do this every car ride. I pour out my feelings and to the wrong person. I'm not suicidal, I just vent. My mom is using ALL of it to backstab me! My sisters have always hated me and said negative things about me, but now that my mom's joined in, I feel incredibly anxious. I NEED to stop saying things to her. Btw, I'm disabled and can't move. The hood thing is that I have my own cabin. I get so happy because I get manic and tell her everything and it all just gets made fun of. "SHE wants to plant a GARDEN!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣 The past few times I went in the kitchen, she kept looking over at me then my dad and saying EW!!! I'm now 26. The good thing is that I have my own house, but it's not mine.

I'm not a likeable person.

Self-Esteem / by Lightblue77

February 10th

...See more People hate me and when I say they hate me, I mean they actively hate me. Everywhere I go, I'm mocked and harassed by other people. I'm a 27 year old woman. Ever since I was in middle school, everyone has said bad things about me. I am awkward because in 7th grade, I hit my head on a propane tank and got pulled out of school and never went back to public school at least. I isolated for 14 years after that. I then got bullied by my sisters the next year. I think this is what started the isolation and kept it going. Everyone has said, basically the same things about me. "I hate her!" "I don't like her!" "She's weird!" "She's a freak!" "She's a r*t*rd!" "She's a loser!" I've even heard my parents call me a loser and that really took a toll on my self esteem. I mean if they think it, then I must be really f'ed up! This is also a reason why I will never pour my heart out to my mom again. She always calls me this when I tell her I'm depressed or suicidal. All of this really makes me hate myself and I hear it from everyone. Even strangers. I don't even need to say a word and people will start saying awful things about me, but this can very well be attributed to my lack in the looks department as well. People are not afraid to start talking crap about me when I'm right next to them. They always feel a strong need to make their hate known for me and I think this is because they don't want others to think they support the "weird girl". They want to be accepted by the in group by very obviously casting me out of it and making that known. I feel really bad about myself and am honestly very afraid of going different places because people tend to bully me and no one cares about my feelings at all. Their dislike is that strong for me. I once went to a small clinic like place where I told them I was suicidal and the counselor there, walked out of the room and closed the door and I heard him say he didn't like me. I heard all the other staff agreeing and an eruption of laughter, which is not at all uncommon amongst staff in any medical place I've been. Then I started crying. They all saw me like that and one of the nurses said, "I ALMOST feel bad for her!" I felt like sh*t after that! This is one of the reaskn's I rarely ever express my emotions around people. If someone says something nasty about me within earshot, I don't reacf. I just act like I didn't hear it. I also am very socially anxious and shy. I only ever stood up for myself once and they left me alone. I look weak, I hunch over, I hold my head down and I avoid eye contact Another time, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and it didn't take much for the nurses and people around me to start saying bad things about me. I heard them say my nose was too big for my mask and that my clothes were ugly after they took them to wash them. It was the worst hospitalization experience I've ever had! As usual, I was in my room and heard other patients start saying bad things about me. That my face was "disgusting". That "If I were her, I'd just end it!" Just picking apart my every flaw, which is normal in my daily life. People just love to do that to me for some reason. I'm just that unlikeable I guess. It really hurts me. I feel defeated every tine I come home from just going to the store. I usually wear my headphones non stop so that I can't hear it because It freaks me out that bad. I get huge waves of anxiety and feel like I can't take it. I do have gad not sure if that would make it worse though. I'm finding it hard to want to put myself out there. I do want friends though. I feel so alone! I don't see anybody else going through the same things. They interact flawlessly and people like them! Can make eye contact without looking away too! In that same hospitalization, one of the group counselors asked me to read my art project thing and switches her gaze from me to another nurse and loudly says, "she's weird!" Every group session, it was like I was being used to throw tomatoes at because the group counselors would make subtle jokes aimed at me and everyone would laugh and I was so embarassed I had to stop attending them. These were specific things I'd shared about myself. Then when I didn't want to join group the counselor who did it the most practically begged me to join. "You should join us in group or you can just sit here and do you're LITTLE CROSSWORD PUZZLES!" she said that so angrily. There were a few other people that were doing their own thing too, but she never asked them to join at all. I feel like people love to humiliate me and humble me. Like I did something wrong to them. They're really out for blood when it comes to me. I just don't get it. I'm quiet and I mind my own business. I'm never trying to hurt people. I don't gossip, I don't start trouble, I would never hurt anyone! I feel like crap! I wish I could just do what I want to do and live my life without being afraid or even having to wear headphones. I wish I could be likeable, but nodbody does. Not even my family. My mom says she hates me and can't stand me. My dad does too. I can tell. I am liked by some people, but that's rare. I had a counselor who considered me her friend, but that didn't end well because my privacy was breached. I wish I could like myself.

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