Inferiority

Well I'm a introvert and I'm entangled with many issues in my life lack of self confidence, low self esteem, feeling of inferiority and all I'm never happy and I don't think so I'll ever be but I just don't want to continue my life like this I'm not inferior than them but I feel it.. Infact I observed that I feel Inferior bcz of way my childhood was never got attention and love from parents never got any value by classmates never got friends and whenever I had friends I have them more value and then they took me for granted and treated me like nothing other than waste. I'm done with living like this.. How can this be so that someone else is less or more valuable than me I too deserve and in fact everyone deserve everything everyone deserves love right I need to be happy but I don't know the way to..

I've became too much reserved cuz I don't want to get hurt anymore so I've stopped trying to make friends. I don't want to feel inferior or less anymore so I've stopped showing myself my authenticity I stay alone and never let anyone to see me or know me I stay rude sometimes and sometimes quiet to others.. They may find me rude or dumb cuz I don't speak or I stay just in studies.. But haven't all this costed me happiness I want to smile but now I can't this was the pattern I unconsciously choosed but I don't I just don't want to follow the same pattern .. It's just worse to not have any friends or any source of happiness in life . I personally feel that till now I've just survived in my life and never lived but I don't know how to even live...

I feel bad for the way I'm.. In fact I still remember when last bench was empty my benchmate started arguing with me cuz he didn't wanted to sit me u know why cuz I don't speak cuz I'm not friendly I was too hurt at that moment but I wasn't able to show I always stay kind of numb and I always seem Emotionless to everyone but I'm not so I too want to feel I too want to live life I'm a human too..And I don't think so that any human deserves this..

Maybe being a introvert is kind of challenge in the world I live cuz I know that ok I can't socialize too much but it doesn't means I don't want anyone to talk to share.. I've always been like this but it's tiring.. I too want to have someone to talk I too want to have happy moments and sad moments too.