Let’s work this out

@pluckyNickel7406

Not me! What I do now is just pretend any compliment is heard... I say a lot of "You're nice to me.. Thanks"  I don't believe any of it.. but I'm wondering if I keep hearing it maybe I'll start believing it? I never had much self esteem, but then I had a relationship issue that just removed what little I had- it's been over 20 years... still trying.  But at least I'm still trying...

I wish you tons of better luck!  And if you ever figure it out, hit me up with a message :).

same here. I had a terrible marriage and then was single for a few years. Me and my now boyfriend have been together 3 and a half years and he is super confident and very outgoing, not a jealous person at all. And it really bothers him that I’m so insecure, almost a turn off to him I guess. I’ve tried just pretending that nothing bothers me but I end up holding it all in and then blowing up at him later. So eventually it all comes out anyway. I’ve got to find a better way to love myself and do better. Hopefully you find something that works for you as well.

i think there are feelings and there are words you use to label them

You can have the feelings without putting the label on them. So if you feel bad about yourself you can feel that way but just ignore the words that you put to that feeling and just have the feeling alone if that makes sense. So you might feel something and think oh god i really suck but just feel what you feel without having to put words to it because the feeling might actually be something different

@pluckyNickel7406 

Always remind yourself that you are good enough and that your feelings are valid. 

As other commenters have said, the journey is going to be different for everyone. Here are some of the questions that helped me to introspect and learn.

How are self critical thoughts serving you?

This may seem like a dumb question, but on further reflection, it can be telling. One might logically recognize the damage of self critical thoughts, but often times, they serve a role. This role could be about protecting you from the pain and embarrassment of perceived failures or as a way of holding you down to “motivate” you to become perfectionistic. It can also be a way of maintaining control; if I’m the wrong one then that’s easier to accept than to believe it’s something wrong on the outside. I’ve found that these critical thoughts often deep mirror the ways people from significant relationships treat you. Consider if this is true for you.

How do these thoughts make you feel?

A classic question that may seem simple at first, but also can be revealing. I’m sure most people know that having a self critical thought is awful, but the question is more so about reflecting on how these thoughts affect your ability to reach your goals and feel good about yourself. I often notice that people that are truly happy find it easier to enjoy the moment, are more patient and open to others, and less taxed by responsibilities. Perhaps being harsh on yourself may actually be an attempt to control that ultimately backfires. If one knows self critical thoughts are negative, what may the opposite of being happy do for one’s ability to reach goals, meet responsibilities, and thrive do? For some people, the idea of being critical is seen as pivotal for reaching goals. Perhaps trying the opposite is worthwhile. After all, what’s the harm of trying? If you don’t like it, just go back to being critical.

Growing up, how did those around you explicitly or implicitly teach you about your value and worth?

Once upon a time, I thought this idea of reflecting on my past was silly. How can the past affect me? Actually, when you consider it with an open mind, it turns out the past really does haunt the present. As kids, we develop certain ways of knowing ourselves and others. Our brains create certain ways of understanding that are shortcuts that can often be unconscious, similar to biases and stereotypes. The reason why the past is so important is that not only do I believe they are wounds that require healing and reparenting with unconditional love and acceptance (otherwise these wounds will always pop up in the worst moments and be a source of vulnerability), but they are powerful influences on one’s understanding of self. If your worth or value was always reinforced conditionally, such as when a caregiver only gives you praise or love when you, for example, achieve high grades, then this teaches you implicitly that your worth is tied to academic achievement and that if you fail, then the absence of support is your own fault (especially if that same person hurts you and insults you for such).

What are the core negative beliefs you have about yourself?

A negative core belief is a pervasive idea that you have of yourself that may or may not be logically receptive. There are ways to challenge a negative core belief (such as the belief that one is always a failure), by reflecting on instance that are not true. Additionally, if you go further, you can also ask deeper questions about why we have such horrible beliefs about ourselves when they really don’t serve us or anyone else. If you have such a belief, it won’t matter how many times someone tells you the opposite or how hard you try to tell yourself the opposite, you will not be convinced.

How would you treat a friend in the same position?

Many people find it easier to imagine compassion towards someone other than themselves. By reflecting on how you would feel towards a friend, it becomes easier to see how much they deserve kindness and compassion and how easy it is to be incredibly harsh on oneself in ways that are quite unreasonable.

What are you running away from?

This is an important question to ask because I think self critical thoughts are only one layer of what may be a complex issue. It is very easy to suppress pain, but to do so allows the ticking time bomb to grow. In my mind, there is no such thing as suffering that does not deserve attention, kindness, curiosity, openness, and compassion. Self critical thoughts can be a way to mask the hills of suffering underneath. They can be the surface level of deeper roots. Healing can be extraordinary difficult as it requires a level of commitment to walk through grief and loss and uncomfortable truths. In getting to know the emotions that rise up when self critical thoughts rise up, one may begin to ask questions about these emotions. What are these emotions saying to me? What do they truly need in this moment? Confronting these emotions head on is an act of courage. Learning how to give them their needs through yourself is an act of grace and compassion.

How do you view failure and mistakes?

In a garden of tulips and dandelions, one might see that the dandelion does not belong. It is a weed, and it is to be eliminated. It is not to be seen. It is unwanted. But, what if it is a matter of perspective that prevents us from seeing the beauty of a dandelion after all? Are they not coming from the same lineage of the tulips? Are they not interesting and important by themselves? The seeds alone are an engineering marvel. Perhaps to enjoy the tulips in their fullest form, one must also learn to love the dandelions? If life was perfect, where goes the grace of forgiveness, the strength of overcoming, the courage to be vulnerable, and the commitment of reconciliation?