Relapse (posting because I feel hopeless)
*Trigger warning, I guess* I relapsed after 2 months clean and all I can think is 1. this is the first time today that I actually feel better 2. I should have gone deeper. The only thing keeping me from going all the way is my friend's wedding in the spring, but I'm not keeping myself alive for my own sake.
What am I even looking for by posting this? Maybe people who relate? Maybe just for other eyeballs to acknowledge my existence? It all feels absurd.
I was only able to stay clean for 2 months because I was kept busy with obligations to working at a summer camp and then making sure my friend had a good beach trip and then driving that friend to meet her other friend and then visiting my grandmother to keep her company and now I've finally had a chance to 'relax' these past 2 weeks. I wanted to go all the way last week, but this week it has settled into a more familiar feeling of nothingness that never leaves- I was just covering it up that emptiness with busy work, but now I've had to sit with that feeling for days and days on end. Things that 'should' help me have not- hanging out with friends, doing hobbies, exercising, getting out of the house. There's no drive or appeal or motivation. I still feel that dull nothingness. I don't feel like a person anymore and I feel like life is pointless and no one actually loves me.
The friend who is getting married likes to invalidate my feelings by comparing everything to her own mental health journey, my other friend keeps offering me surface-level distractions of things she likes without ever putting real effort into engaging with things I would be interested in, my mom straight up tells me I have no right to feel the way I do, my dad barely talks to me and never says 'I love you', one brother has fried his brain with drugs and alcohol to the point that he is incapable of having intelligent discussions, and the other brother that I will be sharing an apartment with soon has told me multiple times that he hates me and never apologizes.
I've cycled through 4 therapists in the past year: one freaked out because I have anorexia and refused to treat me unless I went to rehab, despite the fact that I already went to rehab and have been at within a normal weight range for years. I did not go to rehab and she dropped me. The next was an art therapist that had me scribble on a page while she occasionally talked about politics. My parents made me drop her when they found I was still self harming. I found a CBT therapist that was incredibly understanding and helped me realize that the level of invalidation I received from my mother was not normal, but he dropped me when I continued to self harm and would only take me back if I completed a round of DBT. I enjoyed individual DBT, but was forced to participate in group, which triggered trauma from my anorexia inpatient rehab days and caused me to spiral. My DBT therapist refused to take my distress seriously or allow me to just to individual, so for my own sake I needed to quit.
I'm on an anti-craving medication (alcoholism) and a SNRI. But, I've found that medication doesn't really help when no one close to you cares enough to really understand and support you. I guess that's because in the end, you're the only one who can take care of you- but, that still hurts. I feel b*tchslapped by the world. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone other than distract myself in ways that make me feel worse or try to disassociate into a waking death.
@determinedSea4370
No one has replied, so as the world goes, I will help myself. No one in this house takes my alcohol problem seriously, so I've drank 3 beers from a pack soneone stupidly left on display in the fridge. I bought groceries and cooked dinner and that should give me a feeling if accomplishment, but I feel so disconnected from it all. I watched a horror film and felt vaguely comforted by all the death and fear. *trigger warning* I self-harmed again and it felt even better than the before. Now I'm feeling hollow and heavy, not entirely human, but like a complacent semi-sentient moving statue. I guess I will read manga and watch sone youtube and maybe self harm again before I go to sleep. I'm jealous of neighbors throwing parties and children playing- it makes my heart ache for times that are for me long dead. This is a farce of a life. I should have d*3d back in sophmore year when I had the golden chance.
@determinedSea4370
And I hate myself even more for all those dumb spelling mistakes.
@determinedSea4370
We are all just moving meat. What the actual ***. And don't just blame me for having this thought while tipsy because I've had it over and over again while sober. We humans like to put ourselves up on a pedestal, but we are just meat. Life is just survival. All of this higher bullsh*t doesn't matter. We bloom and we die. Love is conditional and everyone is inherently selfish. No one is ever going to come save you, even if you scream as loud as you can- they just can't.
@determinedSea4370 My mom suggested a *** job when I was 16. Who the *** even does that to an actual child??
@determinedSea4370 *8008 job
@determinedSea4370 Not that I fell for it at that point- I'd turned myself into a non-gender being by 16 because I was so tired of the makeup/short skirt/long hair/t:ts out bullsh*t all around me. My mother said she would rather die than be unattractive to men. How the *** was I raised by this clown? I can't come to terms with the goddess I worshipped in my childhood and the woman who berates me before getting a facelift now. I feel duped and alone. I want a motherly stranger to hold me so I can cry into her arms and pretend she perfectly loves me and understands me.
@determinedSea4370 I don't understand people who have loving fathers either. What are 'dad jokes'? My dad never tries to teach me anything and when I do try to learn, he just shuts me down for being 'stupid/incompetent' like my mother. I'm too physically weak apparently to join him DIYing around the house too. I share nothing with him. All we do is talk about the weather. The only thing he likes about me is my hair and he cares more about the dog than he does about me. When he smiles at me, I feel repulsed.
@determinedSea4370 I usedto have a childhood. I played with my brothers. But, at a certain point, I was a teenage girl and they were almost teenage boys, so we went our different ways and it was okay for a while because I had a few friends who supported me and school to distract me and give me direction and optimism for the future. That was a mistake. There is no more playing to be done now, no more hope. The only relief I get is when I dream- there I am still a school girl and I have a purpose and I am always necessary and needed.
@determinedSea4370
Hello, relapsing after a long time free is hard and frustrating. I understand some of what you say because I have some small and similar experience, I managed to keep myself clean before my sister wedding, and another time while at summer camps. Not living for yourself or something you want but to please or not bother someone else, I partially understand. I don't know why I love other than to serve God and not inconvenience or depress my family.
"What am I even looking for by posting this? Maybe people who relate? Maybe just for other eyeballs to acknowledge my existence? It all feels absurd." -determinedSea4370
I see you (or your post 😅) I can relate to some of you, but nobody can relate to all of you because they aren't you and didn't go through the exact same thing only similar or very very similar. You exist, you had to type this to post this and to let me and others read it, you're not completely alone. and yes sometimes it feels absurd
you stayed clean for 2 months, congrats no matter why or how that's a good job (better than me, my best is 32 days or 1 months).
"familiar feeling of nothingness that never leaves" -determinedSea4370
that phrase is very relatable, I have a major struggle feeling emotions, tho I can take them like nobody's business, and it regularly leaves me disassociating and wondering why I even exist. Covering emptyness up, yeah same I do farm/yard work that distracts from everything, but when you're done for the day emptyness just greetings you at the door (or truck) with open empty arms.
i get the friends, hobbies, exercise, not helping as much (or any) it's similar here, so i don't do them as much, but my new brother in law drags me into more of them so yeah. No drive, same. I barely even want to get a job for anything other than my vague desire to be cute.
"I don't feel like a person anymore and I feel like life is pointless and no one actually loves me." -determinedSea4370 I love you, and God loves you. But perhaps not in the typical sense that people who speak English mean. English only has one word for love, while latin, Greek, Hebrew, German, ect all have multiple words for love that can mean different things. So when I say I love you or God loves you, I mean it in the Greek 'agape' sense of the word love. Meaning that, I personally in myself choose to want what is best for you and actively help you get that, while at the same time respecting that you are your own person who makes their own choices including whether to except help, and that I won't force my ideals or help on you. (Or on this case since I can only type to you I won't force or pressure you to read it.) that is how I love, it's my personal And active choice.
as for your next segment I don't have as much in common (or if I do I am blind to it and don't realize) so I don't have much I can say. I won't give any advice, other than pray about it, because I don't have the experience to give sound advice for that situation. I am truly sorry your in this situation and hope and pray it will get better for you.
I am sorry for your experience with therapists, I haven't had one so can't say much about them. I struggle a little bit with eating enough and am technically a little below a healthy weight but I function well enough physically, I am glad you are doing very good in that area! (Take your wins where you can get them, right?) the idea of a art therapist sounds weird but actually kinda cool if implemented right, it seems that one wasn't for you though? it seems from your words that you CBT therapist started to actually help, but made some poor decisions that lead to your decline of mental health again? Is that right? i am sorry group DPT was triggering for you and they couldn't/wouldn't accommodate you, but I am glad you could make a decision to quit and help keep you out of a triggering environment. As someone who has strongly considered go into the therapy/counseling field I person want to see you go back and get proper help, but I understand that might be to idealistic especially with your previous experiences.
"medication doesn't really help when no one close to you cares enough to really understand and support you." -determinedSea4370 that rings surprisingly and sadly true, from my little observation.
"I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone other than distract myself in ways that make me feel worse or try to disassociate into a waking death. " -determinedSea4370 that is a very hard place to be in and harder to get out of, I hope we can both do it one day.
I hope, that if nothing else, something I said (even just a single word) brought a some comfort, or help to you. Thank you for posting, it was brave. I see you, and love (agape) you. 🩵
@7Bear7
Thank you for responding. I tried to respond earlier, but the depression ate my brain, so now I am trying to respond while under the influence, so we'll see how this goes. Existing is difficult. But, thank you. I reached out to people that I know recently, but they didn't take me seriously/they talked about their own problems as being more important than mine. I self-harmed several more times today, but at least I registered for a multiweek creative writing class, so maybe that will finally help me. But, you help me too, so thank you. Thank you for understanding- obviously no one is going to understand me/relate to me completely, because we are separate people and I respect that, but I also respect your effort to empathize. I don't get that often in my life and I do appreciate it. If we both struggle with this, we can help each other, right? You know, I also live in the countryside, but I never get my hands in the dirt. What's that like? I'm glad you can relate to the emptiness- everyone else I know either hates me for it or thinks I'm insane. I like that you exist. I don't believe in God, but life is a curious miracle and I like that we are existing at the same time and communicating with each other. I know about agape love and I treasure that a lot. Thank you. Thank you for praying for me, because I cannot do the same. Maybe I can write you a poem or a short story as an exchange? I would like to, if you just give me a topic. I want to show gratitude that you tried for me.
Hey, I know this is hard. I'm so sorry ur going thru this, and you're right beauty standards for the sake of impressing men are horrific, and you deserve so much more
Here's a short poem I heard
You are strong, you are brave, you are light
In darkness, your spirit takes flight
Though shadows fall, dawn will rise
Your worth, your beauty, will meet your eyes
You are not alone, you are seen
Your heart beats strong, your soul is keen
Hold on to hope, let love shine through
You are worthy, you are enough, it's true
Your pain is valid, and I'm so sorry no heard you out. And you are right, in the large spectrum of things, we seem just meaningless, but maybe the point is to give things meaning ourselves and create happiness. Maybe if nothing matters, then we have the fullest autonomy. You don't have to be grateful, sometimes life can be a curse. And it doesn't matter why you are alive, if it's even your friend's wedding. Sure, it's ideal to be alive for yourself, but most of us have something or someone that gives us the reason, so you are not behind. Even in this state you are worthy.
I'm so happy you joined a creative writing class. I would love to hear a story or poem from you.
And hey, please hang on. You don't have to love yourself immediately, but try and commit to something, even if it's a small thing, which can change the trajectory of your life.
You got this.
Felt like reading my own mind I care about you 🫂 you can count on me take care sweets 💓
Hey, I know that you don't know me and probably don't care but you got this. Everything will be okay. I, myself, have started having dark thoughts and sometimes I feel like there is no one to turn to. You've already come so far and if you're here on this planet, it's for a reason. If it helps, try to find something, anything that makes you feel alive. Something that you could do for hours without tiring. If you can't think of one, go back to the things you used to love doing as a child. I fell in love with horses (random? A little...) and it's what keeps me going. You matter, you're valued, you are loved and you can do this.
Keep fighting, soldier. I love you💞
Hey, I know that you don't know me and probably don't care but you got this. Everything will be okay. I, myself, have started having dark thoughts and sometimes I feel like there is no one to turn to. You've already come so far and if you're here on this planet, it's for a reason. If it helps, try to find something, anything that makes you feel alive. Something that you could do for hours without tiring. If you can't think of one, go back to the things you used to love doing as a child. I fell in love with horses (random? A little...) and it's what keeps me going. You matter, you're valued, you are loved and you can do this.
Keep fighting, soldier. I love you💞
