TW self harm, scars and addiction?
Hey!
So hi, i'm Alec. A recovering (i think) self-harm addict! I'm about 2 years clean now (crazzzzy)!
I have very little wisdom but I thought maybe I could share my process in stopping.
So I had been self-harming for about 4 years straight and then on and off for 2-3 years beforehand. So a long time.
At first it was a feeling of relief? Like, everything in my life was absolutely *** but I had this one thing I could control, could rely on. It felt good. Kinda odd but idk, it helped me a lot.
Idk when it stopped helping. Think about it, do you still feel the same sensation that you felt the first few times? The feeling of relief, control, peace, etc? Or does it feel like a compulsion, an itch under your skin?
I was 16 when I realised I was addicted. That it stopped helping and it was just adding to the damage. Obviously, I didn't just magically get better. I still reached out for it when I was struggling. When things when to *** i still self harmed.
When I was 17, I had a breakdown and ended up in a hospital. A few months later, me and my girlfriend broke up and I did it again. That's when I stopped.
It was just more damage, it didn't help. The one thing that always helped, didn't. I have scars littered on my arms, hands, thighs. And only a few of them actually had meaning, the rest were just desperate attempts at chasing that feeling.
I'm 19 now, two years clean. I still get the urge to do it, it's like a buzzing under my skin. Yet, I talk to someone when I feel it, even if I just ramble on one of the communities here or reach out to a listener. Even if they have no advice, it's a good distraction till the feeling goes away.
I also write, a lot. I write poetry. I can sink whatever i'm feeling or thinking into words and make it sound beautiful. That helps me settle, helps me distract myself, helps me turn my pain into something beautiful instead of ugly.
Obviously this won't work for everyone. Obviously you'll slip up, obviously you'll struggle. But recovery isn't a straight line, it's a path you forge with your own hands. No one can dictate it but you.
I believe in you.
@Malecfan
Alex 🥰
You are a gem!
To share all that you have been through.
To give others hope.
Support.
To let them see, you can come through it.
That's so kind of you.
I appreciate it 💜💕
@Amanda84
Sorry Alec!
Thank you so much for sharing, you have such an amazing energy in this post its almost infectious!
I've struggled myself for about a year and a half now, and oddly enough the thing that bothers me the most are the scars. I very quickly stopped hurting my arms once I realized the scars were way too obvious(nobody in my life knows at the time of writing this, and I don't plan to ever tell). This resulted to high anxiety and I would self harm in places nobody could see. I have one particular scar on my thigh that is really thick and has a bit of a bump and it bothers me more than I care to admit, and I think that's when it stopped being a coping method and more an addiction.
Sorry for the little vent there, but I felt compelled to respond lol.
On a happier note, I've also used writing to distract myself, though instead of poetry I write stories. It helps sometimes.
I'm happy for you that you've made progress!! I hope you're having a good day/night😁
hey!
Thank you thats so sweet! You seem like you have a great energy too :)
A couple of my family know, due to being outed by my school a few years back (long story). My workplace still don't know despite me working there for over three years now, but thats more due to the fact that I don't want to deal with the questions and concern. (They all care about me a lot, i consider a lot of them as family)
I have scars all up my arms and a fair few on my thighs. I used to get really anxious about others seeing them, I still do feel that little bit of anxiety but I had to change my mindset. Scars are normal. I have plenty from my childhood, from my job that are just scars, so why should self harm scars be any different?
Sure, they have a different meaning. They mean that you struggled to be where you are now, but your here and alive and that's what matters. For me, they're not something to be ashamed of, they're not a badge of honour or a point of pride, they're proof that i'm strong.
Despite the pain and the struggles it took and still takes, i'm here and alive and breathing. I have a life, i have people I care about and love. People are going to have questions, are gonna stare but that's not your problem it's theirs.
I'm SOOO PROUD OF YOU FOR TRYING THO!! And I wish you the best in your journey!!
I used to write fanfiction when I was younger, poetry now though. I've alwaysss admired people who can write stories, my attention span can't last that long.
Thank you! And you too!
Thank you for saying that. It's hard to say that Im addicted to self harm and feel valid. I understand how it's an addiction, you're chasing that feeling those neurochemicals. But saying and acknowledging it outside my own head seems so much more challenging. It's a double shame, self harm and addiction. I don't talk about it, it's that deep secret that I cover and keep hidden at all costs
I was an adult when I started, my early 20's. It wasn't continuous and I stopped after a bit. I went through some life changes and stuff that I was surprised didn't trigger a relapse. But then I did and I can't remember why. I can't remember why I stopped either but it was October of 2017, or that's what I've decided with my memory issues.
Those urges are hard. The addiction is real. The desire to feel and own and weaponize the scars. I started to feel it more recently but I'm taking the addiction stance and resisting because it's an addiction. I get those and cigarettes cravings when Im stressed. Sometimes together or apart, but the recovery mindset helps. I figured out that it's a control thing for me. When there's nothing or very little I can control those urges pop up. They are me making a choice instead of just obeying or being stuck.
It's not something you should be ashamed of. I know me saying that isn't going to change your mind, but just know it. It's a big step realising that. In a way, it's kinda like changing your belief system. Self harm and addiction are so stigmatised but at the end of the day, you do what you can survive.
Talking about it brings me relief. My mother found out I was self harming when I was 15, she had ago at me and then we never spoke about it again. It put me in this box full of fear, shame and total loneliness. It took me a while to be able to talk about it, but now I'm just glad that I can.
I go for a walk. I choose where I go, how long I walk for, what I do. It is grounding? Idk, it gives me a sense of control over my own body even though i'm pretty much out of it the entire time. But try it, the burn in your legs from walking, the control can be really helpful. Listen to music, a podcast or just enjoy the sounds around you.
It might not work for you, but there are plenty of other things that might. It's all about finding something that works for you. Addiction is no easy thing, and it's hard to face and accept but you're doing really well!! I'm super proud of the progress you've made and continue to make so keep your head up and keep marching down your own path my friend!