sh thoughts(slight tw)
so after being clean for 2 years, i relapsed. i kept going at it for about two weeks, it was the only thing on my mind but one day i opened up to a friend and told them a bit too much. they obviously seemed very affected by me always venting to them so i decided to try to make myself feel better. i've been clean for two days now but im barely hanging on. my mom died when i was young so i am stuck with a stepmom and we really do not get along well. she's always yelling at me and looking through my room etc. she was part of the problem on why i sh two years back and she's the reason on why i want to cut again. two days of being clean isn't really that long but i don't want to disappoint the person that i said i wouldn't do it again. i feel so guilty for upsetting them. but it's so hard not to. yes i try alternatives but i feel like i'm drowning because of the thought of doing it. i feel comforted by it ,temporarily, but it's still comfort. all the thoughts and voices go quiet in my head and i feel at peace, i just feel numb. it is so hard to stay clean especially since all my cuts are nearly all healed and there's faint scaring left. with my stepmom annoying me a lot the last two days everything has just been building up. i try to act more happy around others but that is so exhausting. sometimes i wish that she could just leave my life. i really can't wait to be able to move out and not have to deal with her anymore, my dad doesn't really do anything to help either. i keep playing with the blade, trying to stop myself from doing it but it's taking a lot of willpower. anyways i just wanted to talk about some things to hopefully distract myself
@patientCar8837
Hey! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like your situation is overwhelming. I am sorry to hear that you lost your mother at a young age and that your stepmother is part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I can understand that you are feeling shame and guilt with the relapse and the desire to do it again. I want to say that 2 years, 2 weeks, 2 days... it all matters. It wouldn't matter if it was only an hour of being clean. You are doing the work and recovery is hard, especially when you find yourself surrounded by what triggers you. I know that it can be hard when the parental figures in your life are not being supportive or showing up for you. It sounds like you have a friend who really cares about you and wants you whole. I hope that you are able to eventually move out of the home as well. In the meantime, what do you think you can do to mitigate the harm your stepmother does to your mental health?
@Remina i'm honestly just trying to not let her words and actions get to me and try to distract myself with music or reading but all my emotions are just piling up until one day i'll just melt down. thanks for showing support
@patientCar8837
You are welcome for the support. I hope that you are able to continue to not allow her words and actions to get to you. I know this can be easier said than done. I am glad that you use distraction techniques like music and reading. I can understand that emotions pile up and that if you don't let the emotions out, it makes sense that eventually you have a meltdown. Car, humans are like volcanoes. What I mean is that if we don't release some of the tension, we erupt and cause damage. It is important to face our emotions. This can be by talking about it with a trusted adult, a trusted friend, or a professional, or even just a listener here on 7cups. I can volunteer as someone that you can vent to about what is going on in your head and mind, you can tell me all about what is going on and how you are feeling. It is important not to ignore your feelings, okay?
@Remina mhm okay i understand thank you
@patientCar8837
You are welcome!
@patientCar8837, I can clearly undestand what you feel. I feel sorry for you and I wish I could help you… I’ve been doing SH because of my depression, personality disorders, friendship problems, trust issues and pressure from my family. I can clearly undestand you! I think you should talk with you stepmom, if this continues, I recommend you dial a number from findahelp.com . I want you to know you are not alone and you can allways be stronger! Believe inyourself! I also recommend you to find hobbies, interests and exaples like these! I’ve been SH free for just a day, but it at least makes me feel better to know people like us are there, helping each other. I can recommend you putting little praises for each SH free day, like little candies! Hope you get better soon!(sr for bad grammar, tell me if I did mistakes)🤗☺️🥺
@goodLunch2562 I meant prises by praises by the way…sr for my grammar!
@Heyaaaaawussupthank you for saying all that and don't be sorry about your grammar it's okay. well done on being clean for a day, i'm proud of you and i hope that you'll be able to continue being clean, i know that it's hard. thanks for the idea with the candies i might actually try that to keep me going. i can relate to some of your reasons of sh too, especially the friendship problems, i get new friends every year since they all leave me but its okay cuz they were bad friends either way. you're helping me by just replying since i didn't necessarily expect any responses. stay strong and keep going even if some days are hard, you should be proud of yourself for making it this far and never giving up
@patientCar8837thx🩷 hope you get better too