Ow ow ow, Im back at it again :((
TWWW: uhh.. Average relapse and very mean parents.
I broke my streak of 2 years last night after a pretty big fight with my mom and dad about a SCIENTIFIC CALCULATOR I lost at school. They called me names, threatened to stop my education YET AGAIN. And me, tired from martial arts practice and more overwhelmed than ever for the whole week and already contemplating relapsing due to prior fights with my mom, my emotions got to a high and I didn't know where to put it anymore. So here I am :((
They uhm.. they unfortunately caught me, and tbh I didn't know how they would react. I wish on everyone and even my enemies that their own parents won't react like they did though.
They doubled down and my dad whooped me with a belt while screaming about if everything they did wasn't enough instead, and my mom threatened to kill herself as well, then asked for a knife so that I could apparently "cut more". Which ouch, really. Then we ended up having a hard talk which tbh didn't even help. It was her putting words in my mouth and making me too nervous to actually explain my side and how I have always felt properly (it ended up being super vague as she always repeated phrases like "ohh, but let's go back to why I'm doing this in the first place! Me telling you to stop everything you do after a small problem is me motivating you!" Or "Well did I actually make you stop?? Yeah, exactly!! You shouldn't be hurt at all!" Well.. okay then, are you aware that words hurt though?? Sorry for not being hardened people like you guys yet, maybe I will be soon??)
I ended up talking with my sister instead which is a WHOLE lot better, the kind of talk I've been wanting to have for MONTHS since we had a talk like that again. (Even then it was her taking my parents side as always, but atleast we managed to address my lack of any ability to feel anything positive about myself to a degree.) But still, it never helped, I ended up adding more and stared at the pill bottle under my pillow contemplating on if I should actually go on with it or not (which at this point I think I was being overdramatic.)
I'm very guilty. But only because my dad ended up sobbing which isn't the first time I've seen him cry, but it kind of hurt me even more. He's the only reason that I'm mostly still here, but that night made me realize that I shouldn't trust him much either. I love my parents so much, but they suck so much in the mental and emotional department, like.. they don't understand how they're stupid "motivation" hurts me more and pushes me to actually do it out of SPITE?? They think whatever raised them will work on me, when really, it's just making me even more guilty and worse about my mere EXISTENCE.
Tbh I don't know who to talk to anymore, Listeners, sure, but my guilty conscience is tearing away at my brain again and I'm afraid and conscious to tell anyone. It's gonna long nights of distraction if I want to go back to my very strenuous progress of being clean for atleast a month again.
@M0CH1
🥺
I'm sorry this was so distressing.
It was a massive over reaction on your parents part, over something as small as a calculator.
Your father had no right to beat you.
And your mother had no right to manipulate you and make a hard situation worse.
We learn how to cope with difficult emotions based on the people around us.
And sadly your parents are very immature.
I'm so sorry you had to hurt yourself to feel something.
It's important to learn healthier coping methods and to not let your parents cruelty overshadow you 💚
@M0CH1
I relapsed too yesterday night after many months (i dont remember the exact number), but it wasnt really because of enough valid reason as you. You suffered *** and are still being tortured, it sucks to have parents like that and its so much difficult to even talk about what you are feeling when you want to, because tbh most of the time its not possible due to reasons.
I hope you have peace and feel better and clean soon though, you need the freedom and peace you deserve💙
I hope your post won't get taken down as mine without as much as any feedback.
@calmmoon2104
@M0CH1
I am SO sorry to hear about all of this. I am so heartbroken to hear that your parents reacted in the manner that they did. I can understand how you are feeling guilty and upset about everything. None of this is your fault. I am so sorry that you were so overwhelmed, triggered, and that you had a relapse. The correct response to catching you in the act of self harm is to approach you with compassion and care, not to further harm you with corporal punishment. It sounds like your parents do not understand mental health. They might care in their own way but they are struggling to show it. I want you to know that you are not a burden on anyone, especially listeners here on 7cups. We are here to support you and to nurture your mental health.
Im so sorry sweetie that you had to go through that. Parents not understanding emotional and mental needs is something i can definitely relate with. Please don't lose hope okay, its okay that you relapsed, what matters is that you were clean for a long time before that- which says that you are most definitely capable of leaving all this behind, sure it might take some or a lot of time, but i beleive in you and that you can do it.
Pleasedon't stop talking about it, if there's no one in your family that you can talk to, talk here, it might not be much but it's something.
Your parents had NO right doing all this to you, especially your dad, and i hope that they'll someday understand all this. Youre not the one to be blamed here, and don't feel guilty about your dad crying- he was crying because of what he did to you and what your mental condition is, and one of them is definitely his fault and the other isn't your fault at all.
I really hope that you get better soon<3
i’m so sorry. no one deserves to go through this and you aren’t alone but this really seems like child abuse. have you talked to social services? if not i understand how doing that makes you feel because my parents were the same until i threatened them to call. I hope you get better soon and have a safe recovery
@discreetTangerine4305
I would try, but I would feel really guilty as I love them after all! But tbh they'd probably laugh at my face and talk about how ungrateful I am or smth.. And I don't exactly find a reason to as they are really great (ish) people when they aren't angry.
Safest choice I've been trying to secretly convince them to take me to is therapy (or also atleast therapy for themselves as they have been opening up to me about unresolved trauma for forever and I understand that maybe that's why they reacted the way they did.), but the only response I've got is them guilting me about how expensive it is and asking me if that's really worth spending so much money on.