Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Why J - I do believe the head want to be way too busy today. Can't seem to settle on a single thought or emotion for that matter. I am having a hard time getting things calmed down. I feel the need to be quiet - silence. There's so much going on here - between the changes here and the mixed messages. Not wanting to add to situations. Trying to respect peoples boundaries and my own but yet crossing them like a pole vaulter. What can I say? I'm flexible - both feet in my mouth and my head up my a**. Not sure if I need a proctologist or a podiatrist. Yeah yeah - we crack jokes. It's a defense thing.
Anxious - concerned - depressed - anger Idk - thinking - thinking - thinking. Can we pick something and stick with it for alittle? Holy crap - where've I been for the past 1 and a half. Off and on Stupid mind walks off with out me. D*mn - my mind has a mind of it's own
I actually had a decent afternoon yesterday - I got alittle work done. I was fairly calm - didn't feel too depressed. Joked around in here alittle. It was all good until - well - until about 7 pm. Then I got hit by an immense feeling of guilt. I'm not even 100% sure what caused it. Maybe it was a combination of things. Guilt for having fun - guilt for possibly adding to some conflict. Guilt about everyone's feelings - guilt that it had to be dealt with agressively. Guilt that it just wouldn't be left alone. Idk - guilt that it couldn't be resolved in a better way. Guilt for feeling guilty.
Idk - is it wrong to get upset that people feel they have to push issues? Shouldn't we be open minded? We all have our own opinions. Idk - there's been some discussion about what we can and can't write about here - things we should and shouldn't write. We're all going to say something at some point that offends people or say something that people are going to take the wrong way. Idk - I feel I should shut up about this.
So work - I've been working on a table. Which is coming along nicely. But a side project for well - kind of for fun. Is alittle bird. I spent time working on her feathers yesterday. I had went out with the dogs. Noon time romp through the woods - perfect timing actually because I was having a hard time getting myself to calm down. I was angry and anxious and couldn't catch my breath. We did our walk and stopped at the shop. Now I have to admit - my hands were originally reaching for something sharp - I wanted to cut - felt I needed to. One pain to replace another - punishment for - well for not being able to rectify the situation that was going on. My hands were detoured by this bird and they grabbed her instead. It was soothing to hold this piece of wood - so I picked up my tools and started making feathers. I spent a good half hour just slowly working my way. I had to be gentle with her - one rough move and she could be maimed. In time my breathing leveled out - my heart stopped racing - the shaking stopped. I felt calm and afterwards I even felt a moment of pride. Pride for the work I got done - pride at not having harmed - pride at having calmed myself. Only to have it turn to guilt later -
Haven't been doing so well lately. Having a hard time with words and letting things out. Idk - I kind of get myself convinced I should be quiet. Convinced that I'm the problem - so we isolate. Anxiety makes it harder to reach out - the Red Queen doesn't help. Even just this bit - I'm struggling to write because of the arguing.
I'm stupid - ya know? Nothing to contribute. She convinces me that if you have nothing smart to add - just keep your mouth shut. So I keep my mouth shut. Something goes wrong - it's my fault. It's always my fault. Idk - I'm weak - I see myself as weak. The weak are prey. I'm only bothering people
Always thinking about harming in some way. I want it - I deserve it. Punishment - atonement - retribution.
I'm reading between lines I'm not even sure exist. Inconsistancies here and there. Overthinking things. Trying to convince myself that it's ok to talk here but Idk - it's a struggle. I know I need to socialize to engage the brain - but man some people really make me nervous. It shouldn't take 3 hours to write a handful of words
You sit upon your throne of filth. Condemning what you haven't built. So hate me cause you're standing still. Watching while I shoot to kill
There's one thing you forget. You can't make me play dead. I've swallowed your b*llshit. No respect - You make me f*cking sick
I won't bite my tongue. I am not afraid - spineless. A dominion of nothing is all you will reign. You laugh but what did you create. B*tch you give a f*cking aspirin a headache.
Through hell From grace. There's nothing left. Crawling from hell. Fallen from grace. There's nothing left for you to take. Driving the nail through my mistakes. So we can reincarnate. When we lie down, we're sore and sick We fall down, sink or swim. Underground The remedy for who we are - And what lies beneath
She got me again this morning - screams my name. Wake in a panic - it lingers for hours.
Head wants to be busy - makes it hard to think - focus. Distracting
I guess in some ways it's ok. I overthink things anyway. Did I say too much - not enough? The right things - the wrong things? Did they understand what I meant? H*ll - do I understand what I meant?
Focus J!
I feel - everything sometimes. Alot of times. All at once. Idk - there's alot of guilt and shame. For who I am - what I am. I don't feel like a very good person. Monster There's alot of hatred. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes when people say I'm a nice person - because I'm not. I can't explain it - I can't explain why I feel this way. Idk - I wish I could make people see me - the way I see me. It would be easier for them to understand then - maybe
Freaking out - not sure what to do. Wanna write it out but I can't. If I talk - needy - attention seeking little shit. Liar
A small boy curled in the corner crying crying. I don't know what to do. He wont stop SHUT HIM THE FUCK UP
Fucking head feels crowded. Should just let the bitch have it. Take it all Evil bitch
tired so so tired
@mytwistedsoul
you can write it out!
@mytwistedsoul If you need to talk, then you should....better to let it out than bottle it up.
I guess maybe this a proof of life post. Things right nw are out of control. There's some serious problems with roladexing or shuffling - what ever you want to call it. Remebering things one minute to the next - impossible - it's that bad. Alot of missing time - hours - days. Headaches have been a constant. Concentration and focus - next to gone. Words and thoughts - missing - stolen. Alot of conflict right now - between what some want and what I want. The REd Queen found her way in again - changed passwords. tried to figure out how to delete the threads here.
In all honesty.... terror comes to mind. Terrified that we may fracture farther. Terrified that we may find even more parts. It's hard to explain what's happening inside and even harder to make people understand. It's hard to understand what you've never gone through. My apologies if that sounds condescending to anyone. There are days when there is a lot of fear that the tentative grasp we have on reality may give way. It's like living in a nightmare.
Disposible - replaceable
We all are you know?
Holes in the soul - we all have holes. Voids We try to fill them - with things - people - emotions.
For some of us - Maybe that's our purpose in life - to fill the holes in someone elses soul. Once we've done that - our purpose has been served and we have no more use. So Idk - maybe that's my good deed for this life - I helped fill a hole in someone's soul. Sounds meladramatic - yeah I know.
Still feeling scared - There's things going on in my head - things we aren't allowed to talk about here - taboo conversations. Things I wasn't supposed to hear - or maybe I was. Idk - and I'm too afraid to ask.
It's ok though - We've reached the DGAF portion of the program
@mytwistedsoul
psst it's Jenny birthday
TRIGGER WARNING -
I need - something. I've been told not to take the blame for things but I can't help it. I worry about sucking people down the rabbit hole - fucking them up. I know deep down There are things I can't control when it comes to other people and what's going on in their lives but - CONTRIBUTION. IDk - I know we shouldn't talk about the S word here. So I won't - but it's there. It's been there for awhile. I actually feel a sense of relief admitting it. That dark taboo secret. Idk - forgive me for saying this but sometimes I think I should have pulled the trigger along time ago. Would have saved eveyone alot of trouble. Idk - is it wrong that it makes me sad to think that? Sad to think I could have saved people alot of time. Time they may have wasted talking with me. Idk - just feeling sorry for myself - it's ok - ya know? None of it matters - not really.
I am toxic in many ways. Idk - I guess alot of us are in a way. So what do you do? What do you do about the sickness - the poison - the venom. You can't share it - or you kill everything else - so you keep it inside. Keep it from spreading. The only problem with that - it just kills you slower. Life shouldn't be about suffering.
I've met some great people here - compassionate - understanding friends. I'm sorry I wasn't able to return it as well as I should have. Social skills suck. Always have. Idk - there's a reason I guess - why I've been kept away from people. Idk - thoughts are getting twisted.
We hung Frosty from the ceiling fan - with a noose. Idk why. Sick I guess - Idk.
It's all good - yeah? No worries - yeah? Idk - let's post this shall we - we'll have a side of regret with our post and panic.
@mytwistedsoul
I'll sit with you if I can. You know my past, so. I am sorry I cannot find words.
@admaiorasemper Hey V - Thank you for sitting with me
@mytwistedsoul
just so you know why i upvoted this comment its not because i agree with the thoughts your having about your worth in this world or your worth to other people and the thoughts that your poison and need to keep that poison from infecting other people ruining people making their lives worse by being in contact with them that your wasting peoples time that they could be spending on someone good and the other thoughts youve shared - i dont agree with any of that ...
its true that you do believe it and its good that your sharing your true thoughts your not the only one who has them and you make people feel like theyre not alone and it helps people and know it helps you not keeping it to yourself and thats the reason i did - its very good that your around people you give good things not bad and your just learning from others and them from you you will get better and make them better even the angry and hurt and confused twisted thoughts its good that you share it does help people does make people think and understand better your definately not poison and i think someday you wont believe that anymore just dont give up - people here care about you for a reason they see something you dont see yet and would be very sad if you were gone 💓
@jennysunrise8 Thank you
@mytwistedsoul I can't speak for everyone, but any second we have talked is not a second I feel I have wasted by any means. They are seconds I have treasured as you are a kind, decent person - sometimes I wonder if one of the last kind, decent people around these days. I do wish you happiness and that you will a some point find it. *hugs*
@Dawn04 Thank you
@mytwistedsoul
Sitting with you. <3 I think for some of us yeah, there could be contributions to triggered emotions or stress or something (I don't really know) but we've chosen to be exposed to that, yeah? We could just as easily be exposed to it by others who we don't even know, others who don't make efforts (and often succeed) to be kind, apologize, give help, give back-- even some who hurt others on purpose. I think you've mentioned before that you should come with a warning label--- well, we've all read it, and made the decision for ourselves that all of you are worth sticking around for. Because for us, you are. And as for taboo subjects, I think it's still important to get things off your chest, especially if it brings you relief. I wish you weren't in pain. (Fat lot of good wishing does, but whatever.) You're flawed, but we all are. It's part of being human--- you're human.
I apologize if I've crossed any boundaries.
@ThePizza Hey M - Thank you
I get so tired of staring at this screen - thoughts bouncing inside my skull. Like a golfball in a tile bathroom - just ping ponging.
I'm tired of being tired - doesn't matter what I do. 2 hours after I fall asleep - I'm awake. I'm even fighting to fall asleep some nights. I should be exhausted. Some days I am.
Idk what I should do - stay or go - stay or go. A mantra - I want to believe the things people tell me but - I can't call everyone a liar either. Idk - everyone lies. We lie to ourselves - when we say it's not so bad - things will get better. We do it to soothe ourselves - to fool ourselves into fighting one more day - making it through one more night. Delusions or hope? Or just human spirit? Or just plain stupidity?
There's alot of things I don't share here - Fear - embarrassment. The amount of typing and deleting that goes on here is crazy. There's always expectations - from ourselves - from others. We expect to be understood - here we expect to not be judged. But we judge ourselves. We are the worst kinds of judges with ourselves - because we're also the jury and in some cases - the executioner.
Idk - I've learned not to depend on anyone. I hate being an inconvenience. It bothers me that people would spend their time on me. I worry about bothering Doc Z too. Because he has to get tired of the bullshit. Hell I get tired of the bullshit. I start to reach out but get stopped. We don't need anyone J. I can't see how anything I write here is of any use to anyone.
God - Idk - I should just be alone - never really am but hey - wishful thinking. That light people comment about - the one in your chest - it just draws people in - moths to a flame - what if - IDk - wings get scorched - the moths die.
Thoughts are starting to turn to ash - dust on the wind. Like moths too - flitting away. A chalkboard - where every other word is erased. I was thinking about trust - thoughts can't be trusted either. Idk - train derailment in 4 - 3 - 2 -
1
@mytwistedsoul
I hear you.