Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
There's a freeze warning tonight. Of all the places to live why the north?
Walked out on the therapist. We were late anyway. The storm knocked down some big branches. One was over the lane.
Don't feel real today. Not sure how to explain that. Just a figment of someone's twisted mind. A bad dream. Someone's nightmare . The Red Queen keeps saying we're nothing. Just ghosts. Wraiths specters shades
Feeling crowded yet alone. Fighting the urge to isolate.
Feel stupid for writing here.
The words are there - but it's like a gag order has been issued. I'm having problems with my face and my hands
@mytwistedsoul
I hope you will be kind to yourself today J.
@admaiorasemper Thanks V - I'm trying. I hope you 're good to yourself too. Give that bun bun a pet for us will you? I hope she's doing good.
@mytwistedsoul
She is pooing endlessly and everywhere in the house, so yes, she is doing totally fine 
@admaiorasemper
lol not everyone appreciates how completely normal it is to have bunnies hopping around your house pooping everywhere i remember when we had two mini lop bunnies as pets and of course we just let them both hop around wherever and their poo is just like tiny pellets you can easily just vacuum them up which i did but i remember when my parents came to visit we didnt even think to tell them they were just our pets that we were used to ooooh you have bunnies and you just let them hop around and just poop everywhere ohhh and me oh yea we got them a while ago arent they cute yea i just vaccum them up i really didnt think anything about it at all and didnt register any disapproving looks maybe because i wasnt even expecting any but my sister told me later they were surprised even though my dad thought is was funny and totally approved in sure lol
@jennysunrise8
You made me laugh :)
She is my frst pet ever and I also didn't know anything about this endless pooing but I am starting to see it as normal... just annoying when I incidentally step over some of it and I am walking around on bare feet..........................
Good thing is that I am now forced to clean my floor everyday. My house is actually way cleaner that what it used to be before lol
@admaiorasemper
now that i think about it my husband got those rabbits maybe it was just a trick to get me to vacuum and clean more ? lol maybe ☺
@jennysunrise8
Lol clever husband! Can't stop laughing!
@admaiorasemper I'm really glad she's doing good for you V. She looks so sweet just chilling there. Thanks for sharing the pictures.
@mytwistedsoul
i dont think your stupid for writing here its really good that you write here many read it and many more will read what you wrote in the future but thats good because what you write is good truth about you and good for you so i hope the gag order is lifted soon so there will be more of it i like reading it even the bad feeling things because your expressing it and not keeping it in - you are very real but maybe your changing how you see things perception of things but thats ok its confusing now whats going on and why lots of unanswered questions but i hope you write more soon what you write might be the thing that clears up another persons confusion about something * with you wherever you are * 
Why is there such fear with coming forward and admitting you need help? What if you tried before and it made things worse? What if someone told you that you could trust them and as a result things slid so out of control that it changed some things forever?
You get called to the guidance office. The counselor you have needs to discuss some erratic behavior. Out bursts and fighting. Things that you didn't start but things you didn't back away from. Things that are totally out of the normal for you. You're usually the quiet polite kid. Are there problems at home? Problems with drugs? You can talk to me you know. We can work things out. Although we did call home. She's coming in. Panic. The panic is amazing. You stand and walk out. You've started a seek and destroy mission. The counselor who called? You're going to kill her. She has no idea what she's done. What hell she has just opened for you. Halfway down the hall you hear running feet. They're coming for you. They're going to stop you. Hands grab you. More panic and then nothing.Nothing but rage. You struggle with them. You throw a few punches. Then your trapped in a room. There's no escape. The windows won't open on the second floor. You pace. Walking in circles trying to figure a way out. All you can hear in your head is the chant of you're dead. You're dead!
Time passes and the door opens. She walks in. The very essence of parental concern. But her back is turned to them. They don't see what you see. They don't know what you know. They don't know what they've just sentenced you to. She is pissed. OMG she is so pissed. Not only was she called away from work. She was called at work. You do not disrupt her work. People file in behind her. You watch as she composes herself. Oh she is good. The tears. The trembling voice. They talk quietly among themselves. No matter you can hear it all. You have amazing hearing. Every word. Every lie she tells. Yes she agrees. It's probably drugs. But It's ok. She's going to see to it that you get help. Oh she will get you all the help you need. Your panic rises to the point it's almost unbearable. There's so much you want to shout. So much you want to say. But you've gone mute. Your voice is gone. Trapped inside. Lost forever. The last thing you hear her say is come let's go home.
You do not return to that school ever again. It will be weeks before you can go anywhere. You're 14.
@mytwistedsoul
I so wish I had the right words J. I think you are doing so great in writing and confronting your painful memories...
What happened in the past is not bound to fatalistically happen again... help can come to you even if it didn't previously...
Here with you
@admaiorasemper Thanks V
@mytwistedsoul
you did really good writing about your memories if its something that you knew or something just now coming back to you you can write about it here whatever it is its ok to and good that you do it sounds beyond terrifying what you experienced
@jennysunrise8 Thanks
@mytwistedsoul
Sharing this is brave. I hope writing this out helped you to process it a little more. I'm sorry you had to go through this-- an unhelpful statement but I'd like to say it anyway.
@ThePizza Thanks M
Pardon me, it seems that I have lost my mind,
My mind
And I don't have the slightest clue
Of where it might have run off to
Hey, you look so familiar
I'm so glad I found you
They call me the Mad Hatter.
So shake my hand once
Oh, the times we'll share
Seasons may change
Can you feel the air?
I will remain, alone and forgotten
I'll be right here
I'll stay right here.
Brother, sweet brother, I need you now
Alice has come and she's on the prowl
Looking for blood
I have half a mind to give her you,
To give her you
Pardon me, it seems that you have what was mine,
Was mine
And I don't have the slightlest clue of where you might have found it
Do you mind if I could sleep now?
I'm so sad you found me
No need to lose your head
So take my hand now
Your path is clear
You go on ahead
I'll just stay right here
I will remain alone and forgoten
I'll miss you, dear
Brother, sweet brother, I need you now
Alice has come and she's on the prowl
Looking for blood
I have half a mind to give her you
Brother, sweet brother, I need you now
Alice has come and she's on the prowl
Looking for blood
I have half a mind to give her you,
To give her you
Pardon me, it seem that I have lost my mind,
My mind
Silent Theory - Alice This song has been on repeat for the past 3 days
Just for the record - this p*sses me off. Just not right - drop a bomb at the end of the day. Now where am I gonna hide sh*t?
*kicks the trash can and leaves - slamming the door*
@mytwistedsoul
They unmuted me , I can message listeners but I can't go in rooms but it's fine... ig..
Do you ever reach the point where you feel as though you cease to matter? Like - Idk - we're all cogs. Well ok so maybe not all of us are cogs. To me a cog is kind something important. Something that actually makes the machine work. idk - what about the blips - the ones who for the most part fly under the radar as much as possible. I'm not sure where I was going with this.
I know there are alot of people on here as a whole. Maybe some just stop in for alittle - maybe some only plan on being here for alittle bit. I know when I first started here - I didn't know or plan to be here as long as I have. What can I say - I've really come to like you guys - lol. Idk - I know this is a business here - a well intended business but a business just the same. It's for money - that the ultimate goal for just about everything isn't it? But the thing is - the people that come and or go here - they are the one's that make all this possible. With out the people - this place ceases to exist.
Ok so I got 9 trains going in 9 different directions. I saw a comment about duct tape and now I'm stuck on putty. For cracks - using putty on a fractured mind. Idk
I guess some of it is consideration - or the lack of it. There should have been given more time and despite what some people say I didn't read anything about them stopping it all together. Just that they weren't going to fix it anymore. Alot of people put alot of themselves in their feed. That may be where they hid their deeper thoughts or the more weirdr side of themselves. Or it's a place to get things out of your head with out putting it in the forums. It's alittle more private in there.
When people say we should worry about the things we can control vs the the things we can't - I guess some of them don't realize how big of an issue control is. So many things are allready out of our control and when the one thing we do have some small portion of control over - is taken away. Idk - You aren't listening
Not sure why I felt like whining about it. Just needed to get it out I guess.
@mytwistedsoul I relate to this so much. When your whole life is out of control and then something you never, ever thought you'd have to surrender is wrenched from you as well -- it's effects are mind numbing.
So um - pitchforks and torches time. Who's got a match?
There's been alot of changes made around here. None that I can see for the good. Sorry but Idk - this is just my opinion. Theres too many people wanting this to be all sunshine and daisies - rainbows and unicorns. I'm sorry but my life sucks - it's sucked since before I walked through this door - I can't pretend to be something I'm not.
People are basically being rebuked for feeling what they're feeling. And for using the "wrong" emoji's? It's unconstructive - doesn't it go against the whole it's ok to not be ok? Because let me tell you - I am freaking not ok.
Do you have any idea how confusing this all is? Ok I can feel this way but God - freaking Harry Potter comes to mind - You're going to suffer but you'll be happy about it. So it's ok to not be ok until your not ok. Then suck it up and let it go - ok? Because - well - basically we're sorry you feel this way but that's too bad. FTS -
GRRR! Idk - there's a few strings of cuss words - some thoughts of how changes make us nervous. NOw I'm going to post this and worry it's unconstructive.
Let's over think this
@mytwistedsoul Do you all have any idea how much I freaking used my freaking feed? Now it's freaking gone - And I can write it all here because holy shit - I would drive people nuts.
All the music I posted - all the stupid shit that runs through my head. Personal messages
OH MY.... we are pissed now
@mytwistedsoul
you wont drive people nuts writing it here just write here whatever you want to just write for yourself i know the feed was more private though i hate that its gone and i was just starting to get into posting on my feed and now its gone but now that the feed is gone thats what everyone else will be doing too is writing in their diaries just exactly whats on their mind posting songs and pictures and itll just be less formal and careful in the forum everyone will be whos used to writing in the feed so just do that the forums are just going to be - different now ... and i know there seems to be changes happening all at once i just notices on the main page the hand holding the seedling has disappeared all of a sudden - i think slow changes to the site is better than a lot of things at once
exactly right many people do not like a lot of changes at once back to back it would be good to give people time to adjust - but your not doing anything wrong venting here in your diary you can put whatever and criticize anything about the site you dont like and it doesnt even have to stay here in your diary i dont keep my thoughts and criticism of site policies to myself i speak my mind exactly whats on my mind everywhere in the forums just dont attack any specific person and try to keep on topic where your posting but criticizing the site is ok and so is venting your feelings especially here in your space its never wrong to do that its always on topic the topic is you
and everything will settle down itll be ok but i hope its not all at once thats going to make people feel panicky and i think people feel that way already just a few changes
@mytwistedsoul this is also everything. "it's okay to be okay, until you're not okay. Then suck it up."
This whole thing with the disappearing feeds is fucking making me mad , this whole private thing now gone Szz
Not only that it seems as though my account has a glitch and won't send messages 1-1 now even though it was working before you all took the fucking feeds down! For someone who hates change this is bad
@sunshinegiraffe123 Hey Hi
It is really upsetting and frustrating about the feeds. There are a lot of very unhappy people at the moment. They said they weren't fixing any more bugs, I don't recall at any point them saying they were taking it away completely.
As for the glitch with the 1-1, the best I can offer you is this link. I believe at the top there is a submit form button in which you would fill in what's going on. My apologies that I can't do more. Hopefully this will at least help you fix your glitch.
@mytwistedsoul
I have just found this set of postings after having the bummer of the news about the feed. I am so glad to have more information about you and am so glad you popped into my life.
@indigoCup1959
yay cup you found it ! 🌺
@jennysunrise8 @mytwistedsoul
Yup! I never thought to look. 7cups is one of the most confusing platforms I have ever come across. That is saying something because I have been in the computing world for 50 years. When connectivity got going in the 80s I was on bulletin boards, then used usenet groups, then CompuServe and then when the full internet hit NZ used closed moderated groups formed by local internet suppliers and then when the World Wide Web started I had less need for personal communications with random people because email had also taken off. I have always eschewed modern social media and only recently turned to it because of my recent therapeutic endeavours and the problems I was having. I then discovered Quora as I sought help in coping with my therapist and discovered the world was full of borderliney people (i had realised I was borderliney on my own) who couldn't cope with their therapist and that was when I sought on-line therapy and got here to 7cups. The online therapy is good and the materials here are great and the Path is good, but the forums are mind boggling and become part of the problem instead of the solution because there is no way to keep a connection going with individuals. My connections forged here have been far less than on Quora where it is simpler. And while you need a profile there to take full part you can comment and post anonymously so safety is available. No social media is totally safe. Through someone on Quora I have also discovered Discord but have not fully explored that. On top of that, these strange psuedonyms are really hard to remember, they dont have much meaning to me. I got mine assigned to me when I signed up for therapy. I dont remember being asked. And now I have lost all my followers and following. And I cant remember their names. I cant remeber my own except that it satrts Indigocup I think
Sorry soul, this is a rant.
@indigoCup1959 Hey Indigo - welcome. Don't mind the mess
You're right it is a bummer losing the feed and followers. Idk - I am not very happy. I think I actually used my feed more then this thread and there's 16 pages of crazy stuff going on here. Idk - my feed my like a scurity blanket - I could post things on it but delete them if I decided too. It was a way for me to get things out of my head without feeling like I was bothering anyone. My own personal space. I'm really missing it now - like seriously missing it.
Feel free to rant and rave here - on one of these pages I have a declaration - a decree - this is a free zone.There's not judgment here. Anyone can use it to vent - sometimes we even have campfires here with s'mores. and Wise has a wicked game of the floor is lava here. Pizza has a blanket fort - there's unicorns and an endless supply of poptarts and life savers. I even think there's some ducks around. So yeah - little weird I guess.
I've tried Disocord - - Not a fan of it myself. Alittle to impersonal and more chats then anything else. Not to make it seem horrible or anything. It just wasnt a good fit for me. But I prefer writing to people this way - chats move to fast. Idk - I really think they should have given more warning. Not just a day - they should have given us all at least a week.
@mytwistedsoul
you can delete your comments here too or anywhere else in the forums and since this is your thread you can anyone elses if you want to im sure people understand this is your space and it might throw you off your train of thought but to edit or delete any comment you made anywhere in the forums in any thread anywhere including here pm a global forum editor and tell them what you want edited or deleted the ones listed first are most recently active and you can message a few and see who replies first https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/?badge=108
the editor who can change or delete in this thread only for you (or anywhere else you might comment here in this subcom) is https://www.7cups.com/@rebecca947 who is the editor (leader) of this subcom and can only edit/delete here ... that might help with some post and panic feelings especially now since the feed is gone <3
@jennysunrise8
and you can also bookmark this or subscribe to this thread i made a while ago editor info if you want to and easily find it in your threads your subscribed to in your setting or bookmark this too and above link whatever you want to do to find it quick wherever you are on 7cups https://bit.ly/2Cl3XsN
@jennysunrise8 It's still not the same though - to have to pm someone to have a post deleted - seems kind of awkward and if you do it too much - someone is bound to get tired of doing it. Which in the long run is going to make the anxiety and fear of being a pita worse. I will keep this in mind though - thank you
@mytwistedsoul
i know i wish we could just edit ourselves you might be able to actually with this thread it could be considered a project and if you read that thread of mine the second comment i think she explains how project key holders can edit for a certain project only i think a persons thread if its a long running thread like this one is that is ongoing can be considered that you can contact the leader of this suncom to try and get a edit key for this thread but yea i wish we could just edit our comments everywhere that would be nice - since there are different people who can edit you dont have to always go to the same one go to a different one each time but i agree its very annoying 😑
What's on your mind J?
How about the fact that I have no feed. You've no idea how many times I'm went for it - just to get little things out of my head and it wasn't there. Even just alittle bit ago. And well - I'm sorry but the compassion toward it and those missing it seems pretty fake to me. Oh that's too bad - pat pat. You say there's been 6 months of no fixes - that we were supposed to realize if they weren't fixing it - they were going to drop it. Why didn't anyone just say oh hey - btw. Leave us to our own speculation. But then I was alittle hopeful - thinking the would be some surprise and there would be a big reveal. Should've known - once something gets taken away - it's gone - it doesn't come back or get replaced. Yeah - Sorry - I don't have a whole lot of faith in people.
So how am I doing? Not too d*mn good. I'm wanting something that isn't here. So that p*sses me off - I hurt - that p*sses me off. I think of all the other people feeling the same way and you know what - yeah - it p*sses me off. Pretty bad when the place you come to for dealing with problems - gives you more problems and just adds to the issues you allready have. Sorry folks - it's gonna take some time to get over this. But hey - it's ok - pat pat.
This morning's music has been - A Royal Funeral - Alone Shinedown - Monsters