Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

They should have took the stupid notes section - I can't freaking do anything with that

Pardon me

I don't mean to intrude ..

pardon me

I don't mean to be " that " person

pardon me

I just want to be accepted

pardon me

I'm tired of being addicted

pardon me

why is role play a thing

pardon me

I want to stop messing my life up

pardon me

I want friends ..

Boy busy head - so um - This maybe be a bouncer. Anxious - about as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My grandmother used to say that.

You know I've been here allmost a year? Doesn't seem that long

So um - there's alot of changes going on here. Change makes us nervous - changes usually means bad things. Change means the rules change - with the rules changing - Idk you have to be careful. Idk how to explain it. Once things are gone - they don't come back. Change is forever - you now?

It might seem like a stupid simple thing but I am seriously missing my feed. It was tucked away - alittle island in here. Not many people knew I used it - at least not the way I did. Stupid - yeah but it was important.
Idk - coming in here is like walking into - well it looks the same on the outside but it's what's inside that matters. The heart of it all and IDk - there's heart being lost in here. It could be a mansion outside but if the inside is a shambles - it doesn't matter what the outside looks like.

I read between the lines of things and I know everything boils down to money. People need to live. So I don't fault people for wanting to pay their bills and feed their families.

Idk - I see what's going on here and how people are losing their voices - they're being taken from them because their voicing their concerns and dislike. Their fears and while we're all allowed to feel the feeling we have - we're really not. In between those lines is this is how it is - like it or leave it. I felt insignificant before. That blip on the first page. But now - Idk - I honestly don't. An even smaller blip - barely registers on radar.

Type delete - type delete

Idk - there so much I want to say and it's all crowding in. Idk - I guess the short of it - is - I'm scared of the changes.How freaking pathertic is that. I try to prepare for anything but I can't prepare for these things. No one can say it'll all be ok - because it can't. It's changed. So idk - jump off or jump back.

Idk F*ck Idk - oh man now's not the time for a panic attack

@sunshinegiraffe123 Hey How are you?

I could have swore I saw something in here somewhere that you said you had been unmuted but I can't seem to find it now. So I figured I'd check in and kind of double check - since it was so nice of the people that were tagged during this let us know what was going on.

I'm worried - what if I'm making all the wrong choices? What if nothing I'm doing is right? Trying to - Idk justify things in mind but what if I'm wrong? If I'm wrong then it's not fair is it? It's mean and it's cruel. Idk - kind of have myself worked up about this. Can't anything be easy? Why is everything so freaking complicated. And I never know what to do. Everything feels wrong. The Queen has been nudging - just fueling everything. Monster monster monster. I am - ya know? I push people away - turn them away - chase them away. I've been trying not to say it - but you should run. Just no good - ya know? Only going to mess all this up anyway. Idk maybe some of us are just meant to be alone -some people are hermits for a reason- reclusive - frankenstein was - yeah? Him and all his parts. Wasn't his choice either - everyone saw him as a monster. Idk maybe I was born with a bad soul. Under a bad sign - on a full moon. In a graveyard with a voodoo doll in one hand and a snake in the other.

I'm having a hard time with patience tonight. Got none - short with everything. Idk - like 2 seconds from freaking out and having a melt down.

Heads too busy - I swear to god I am losing my mind - it feels like it sometimes. Just picture any random crazy guy - hair all wild - can't be still - talking to no one - sort of. How do I stop this? There's always noise in my head. It's distracting - makes it hard to think - hard to concentrate

Started a new thread - a mock feed - total joke. Everything there - Idk - I may as well put here. It's the same anyway basically. Still goes on the latest in the community thing - so it's yeah - the same thing. Nice try J. E for effort. Has a cool name though.

Idk - can you hire people to just make the descie - f**k now I can't spell. Lol - maybe I do need a life coach. Because I don't think I'm doing it right.

So it's ok to not be ok. Your feelings matter and you can feel whatever you feel. None of it is wrong. I call bullsh*t.

People walk away - I know that. Sometimes they need to - either for their own sake or for yours. But then they come back and you're supposed to feel comfortable opening up to them? Again - I call bullsh*t.

Idk - I've been pretty messed up lately. I've been pretty depressed with a few rounds of anxiety. Depression so bad that - well I'm ashamed to admit but - I need a shower. Knowing I need it doesn't seem to motivate me enough to actually do it. Idk - everything seems - pointless. I don't eat - I don't sleep - not much - not what I should.

Headaches are a daily thing here. And body pains - what the mind doesn't - can't or won't remember. The body does.
* I'm not here to lie about the pain - I'm here to make you feel it*

I'm having a hard time focusing and concentrating on anything. Idk - I feel miserable. Apparently - my misery doesn't like company. So things get kept inside - locked away. Out of sight - out of mind.

I have a fear of being touched. Probably not a real big surprise. It's alittle better - I used to freak out over virtual hugs here and I've gotten over those. Idk - why I am saying anything? Just things popping into my head.

Idk - I just don't really like myself much lately. I kind of think isolation is becoming a problem.

It's hard to explain - I can't make you understand - I am one of the lost - one of the damned.

Idk - somethings are kept behind dark doors for a reason. Idk if it's right to show people what hides behind those doors.

Idk - I think Idk too much

Welcome to the pit of misery - your mission should you choose to accept it - is to dig yourself out of this hole. Why - you ask? I have no idea. Maybe because it isn't just about you J.

I'm tired - god I am just so freaking tired. Not just physically - mentally or even emotionally. Let's go with universally. I am universally tired. Not even sure if that's possible. You would think that the answer for being so tired would be sleep. Ha ha silly rabbit - how wrong you are. We don't sleep much here. Most night's it's 2 or 3 hours. In march there was 5 hours one night.

I'm fighting - ya know? Fighting this whole damn thing. It's tiring and frustrating. At times it feels pointless - Survey says - it doesn't matter. In the end - it doesn't - it is what it is and that's all that it is. It's all it will ever be - forever and a day. So on and so forth. Til death do we part. Amen - praise the peas and pass the toast

I think maybe I'm running low on words or energy. Idk - doesn't matter - Onward shall we? Who said that recently? Glen? I call BS. Idk - they say they care but it seems fake. I'd sell a piece of my soul to have my d**m feed back.

Hi J., I was just wondering how you are feeling today...

Words have a weight to them dont they? The edges can be sharp and piercing. But they can also be comforting and soothing. It depends on their intent and purposes. It depends on their delivery. You can cut someone down with them or raise them up. They can be used to make beautiful songs, soothe children, comfort the sick and troubled. They can be used to cause pain and injure people.

We all have moments when were so angry and feel so deeply wronged and wounded that we use our words to lash out and pass our hurts onto others. Sometimes were aware that were doing this but were so deeply immersed in our pain that we do not stop before we speak. We do not take that much needed pause.

Words can be forgiven but they arent forgotten. We remember words spoken in kindness, as well as words that have cut and scarred us. Theres a reason someone once said to think before you speak. Because once those words have rolled off your tongue and left your mouth, you cant take them back. Yes the rift between people can be bridged but those words will always remain. A constant reminder to both parties of the damage that has been done. Taste your words before you spit them out.

Use your words wisely. Voice your anger, your fears. Speak of your injustices, your pain. But please dont use them just to hurt someone. Everytime you take a breath to speak, think of their effect once they reach another persons ears. Think how you would feel if someone used those words toward you. Sometimes its better to remain silent and keep your cool. Sometimes your silence gives you the upper hand and people will respect you more for it.

I have people who tell me it's ok - to talk about my feelings - to talk about what's in my head. But then other people make suggestions to write things in private. Other people say not to be responsible for other people's feelings. But what if what you want to say will hurt them? What if you have a listener who contacts you just for their own conversations. They say they'll listen to you but they make it all about them? My boundaries suck - I can ignore them *people* but then I feel bad. What if they contacted you first - because they were lonely? What if there were people here that you had started to trust - people who reached out to you when you first came but then just stopped talking to you. But then they return - doing check in's that you don't do because you don't trust them. You don't want to hear the bullsh*t that they'll say - about how good it is to hear from you.

What if you feel inconsequential - an after thought.

I can't explain the Red Queen. Well I can but - would you understand? The evidence I've been given disagree's with her's. She is right - we deserve to be alone. We have ceased to matter. This place has kind of cemented that. She can be so - smooth - so soothing at times. * oh J - dear sweet ignorant J. You know - you know I'm right. I've been right all along. We don't need anyone. *

What if you know someone feels bad for an oversight on their part? What if it's ok but sort of not? What if you understand but yet it's brought out a protector that you're having a hard time getting to back off? What if with all this you don't know what to do - you feel you have no options other then to isolate? What if you feel like a bad person for all of it. For feeling the way you do - for thinking the things you do. But yet your reaction is causing someone else pain. That it's your fault. Maybe if you weren't the way you are - maybe if you weren't so f**ked up in your head. I'm sorry -

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