Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I think we are all very confused right now.
@mytwistedsoul
the confusing act, sometimes i find it very hurtful to oneself.
worse off is that if it distracts and deviates one's mind that results in endless rumination loops - so tough to get out of
She's hard on my head. The speed that she strikes is amazing at times. If she senses a chink in the armor - she pounces. Hammer's away at my self confidence - self esteem. Feeds my insecurities and my self doubt. Makes me feel stupid - insignifigant.
Dealing with her for hours - leaves me drained - shaky. It might sound weird but it's allmost as if she alters my reality. Brutally honest to the point that it's blinding - makes no sense. Thoughts - Idk - lack - something
*What are you a f**king moron? People will see through your bullsh*t J. Then they'll know what a loser you are. You can't even help yourself - you honestly think you have anything worth while to tell people? That you can pass on something that can help them? You've fooled yourself just as much as you've fooled them. Mark my words boy - you won't bring anything but ruin to their lives. Look at the lives you've ruined allready. Christ - you shouldn't even be here. Noone wanted you - not then - not now - not ever. Just a waste of space - a devil - disguised as an angel. Poisoning everything you touch. You had no right - ruining my life. Now you want to ruin everyone else's lives too. You won't be happy until you've destroyed everything -
ENOUGH!
@mytwistedsoul
Enough.
J I can tell how hard it is to write all this out— youre doing a great job. Youre in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey twistedsoul, its very sad to see that you have to withhold the amount of pain and anger. I cant really digest the entire message now, but i feel that perhaps you can maybe give yourself some timeout to breathe first. Then slowly see things to it again later on. - if it help in anyway
TW
She would often ask for you to do things. It was more of a demand cleverly disguised as a request. And you would do it everytime because you were still looking for acceptance and approval. LIke a fool. There was a time when she had asked if we would look into something involving her brother and a house he bought from my grandparents. Keep in mind most records are public. All you have to do is ask and possibly pay a fee if you want to print anything. So her and her sister and her sister's husband asked if we would look into this. The recorder of deeds had the house listed as sold for 1 dollar. Common practice to save on taxes and other fee's. But they took this information and confronted their brother about how he screwed everyone out of money because he was given this house. He of course denied everything and they of course blamed everything on us. A converstation shortly afterwards between her and her sister was over heard. Her sister informed her that it was a shame that we turned out the way we did but that she couldn't blame herself. She did all she could to raise us right. We later asked her why she didn't say anything in our defense. Since it was their idea. Why did they let us take the fall for it. She said it was because she was her sister. To which we answered but we're your child. She said it's not the same. I don't think I understand. But they don't understand why we don't trust them.
Cue a confrontation between their brother and us. He's one of those people who likes to hurt others. A hand on your shoulder likes to dig through muscle to grip and press into bone. He always leaves bruises. We got into a fight once at the bank of all places. His grip hurt and he ended up getting punched. We knew we shouldn't have but couldn't stop from doing it. Immediate regret of course. It was on that day he treatened to shoot us. Everyone got kicked out of the bank. To his threat we replied to bring it. We haven't seen him since the grandparents funeral.
Spare the rod, spoil the child. She would sometimes make you go choose your own switch. You quickly learned to get thicker ones. Because thinner ones would break skin. Thicker would just cause bruises. Bruises were easier to explain. There was always a multitude of explanations. Her preferred was either a belt or a wooden spoon. But she had a mean backhand as well. Of course no tears. Crying only fueled her more. So you learn to cut off the pain. It goes into it's own separate box. We haven't opened that box yet. It has been tucked at the very back.
@mytwistedsoul
I have been trying to find the right words to convey what I am feeling right now, but I keep failing... so I am just going to say that I am so proud of you for letting this out... 
We shy away from the mirror. Unable to meet our own eyes. We try to ignore the feelings by ignoring the image that's there. It isn't there. It doesn't exist. Neither do we. Figments of a fever dream. Ghosts of days past. Trapped inside something that is not our own.
I feel guilty for having these thoughts. It feels wrong, like I'm betraying everyone. I do not like this.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi twistedsoul, i hear your struggle. Somehow, even if i asked myself, you might be on point.
Father called this past weekend. It's been a long time since we spoke with him. Even longer since we've seen him. In many ways it was nice to hear his voice. It brought with it a few nicer memories but it also brought up many bad ones.
His reason for calling? The virus. How lucky it is that we're in a place where we don't have to worry about daily contact with people. It's such a shame that we're not on better terms with one another. It's a shame that we're so confused in our mind and delusional with our thinking. We should understand things from his side. It was always her.
He's as bad as she is. He's the one who is delusional. He "forgets" the things he did. He denies they happened. Just as she does. "I don't remember that." "That's not how it happened." They don't realize the depth of what we remember. They don't realize the memories we have in our collection. The depth we remember them.
This has caused much internal conflict. Many arguments. There are some parts who still feel a deep sense of family loyalty. A desire for acceptance. A desire at being needed. Even though most of us know it is only for the time being. We still want.... Love.
@mytwistedsoul
I understand.
im having such a rough morning:(
@mytwistedsoul
Hey twistedsoul, i can almost feel your pains that you have experienced previously and now after receiving the call.
Somehow, when i was reading through, I don't know how it sparked upon me.
But if you put to it this way, there is actually 2 (two) sides to look at
1. He cares, hence the call
2. Yes its triggering, it is also tough to change oneself's good/bad behavior and habits. So maybe some unhappiness or something bad may get stirred up during the call. Or like you mentioned, memories that brings up suddenly just because of the initiation of a simple call. Yes it may also like "havoc" or "screw" your entire day.
But i just took a few seconds and thought, somehow maybe he just wanted to share a little bit of concern. Despite the past.
I need to let you go now. I've spent some time being hopeful that one day you might come back. Sounds pretty pathetic on my part I guess. You were - pretty awesome - ya know? We had some really deep conversations and I used to look forward to seeing a post from you. They were deep and they were funny. I would have really liked to have met you in real life. Yeah - I know the rules here - no worries. Then - Idk things happened with you or maybe I said something I shouldn't have. Idk - what ever the circumstances - it doesn't matter. I wish many good things for you - I hope you're healthy and whole. Happiness can be optional I guess. I still think of you though and that's ok. Everytime I see the dolphin I carved. You know it took me three tries with it? Idk - maybe that freaked you out. There was nothing hidden behind it - nothing but good vibes. Idk - maybe I got alittle attached to you - used to you being around. Maybe it was wrong. There was never any real expectations of you. I hope you know that.
So like I said - I have to let you go. I will keep the memories though - thank you. I've made alittle peace with myself where you're concerned. I've mourned you and shed a few years for you. That's ok too -I hope that where ever you are. - what ever you're doing - take a moment to kiss that rainbow and hug that unicorn.
Do you see that vomit above me?
I thought it would help - I thought maybe - Idk
Idk what I thought. What I do know now is that it doesn't sit well with me.
@mytwistedsoul
It doesn't matter you know? Either way I'm gonna hear about it so I may as well do what feels right to me. I know ive said before how this place is in here - similar to my inside world in many ways. The fire pit - the chairs - the chairs still stay. Hold a place for some one. For how long? Is there a time limit? Does there have to be?
It - bothers my sense of loyalty. Idk - I take it back. I can do that cant I? Change my mind? It was a wrong decision. I thought it was the right thing - I was wrong. I'm sorry - I was wrong
*sigh*
I was wrong - a deserter - disloyal
We all have a role to play. A job we do. Often it's done without much thought. We just do it. I'm unsure whether this would qualify as expectations. Is it still an expectation, if we know what we have to do? It's just our job... But sometimes we feel so resentful. It leads us to anger and then shame.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm not sure if i should now be suggesting something like
"twistedsoul, please be gentle with your thoughts?"
"Take a breather and Come back later and slowly realise through again or even better let-ten go off?"
@mikenai22 Thank you Mike. There's never really a bad time to remind someone to be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Don't mention twistedsoul. I only hope it was the right moment to call for it.
Somehow only that moment was when i reminded myself about it.
Perhaps your nick-id was what that triggered the reminder, though i wished it can become more natural.
Nevertheless for yourself i hope things are easier for now you.
I've been trying to cope with regrets. There are questions that beg to be asked, but the people it would have been safest to ask have passed on. So the questions remain. I regret not asking about things. I regret not gathering more information about certain situations. Shall I blame youth? Ignorance?
There are things on this site that boggle my mind. Listeners who don't really want to listen. They're pretty upfront about it their profiles but then again the profiles are also misleading. Members offering the wrong kind of advice. Instead of offering support or reason not to do something, they instead offer ways of hiding things. This seems counter-productive in my opinion.
Logan
@mytwistedsoul
Unfortunately probably the only thing that can be done with advice such as that from members is to learn what is and isnt helpful— I mean of course that would be the whole point of the original question wouldnt it? I think we have to take advice given here with a grain of salt, maybe look into it more before we try it out; it requires more effort than Im sure many of us have to give but us members are not experts. I dont know if that was helpful at all lol. On the other hand I think more care should be used when handing out Listener eligibility, or some sort of training if they dont do that already— its nice and appreciated of people to want to help but the Listener shouldnt be able to go into this blindly with no background knowledge of how to help properly. And like you said its strange that there are those who dont seem to want the job. Even if they did before and changed their mind afterwards, they could put a note in the description saying theyre not available anymore, put the red light on, get rid of the account, something.
Regret is— no fun— I wish you good luck with better managing it. Its hard when the people best to ask something cannot answer anymore— and I imagine theres a little temptation at times to ask others even when it wouldnt be safe?
Other than that how are you doing, Logan?
@mytwistedsoul
I've been trying to cope with regrets. There are questions that beg to be asked, but the people it would have been safest to ask have passed on. So the questions remain. I regret not asking about things. I regret not gathering more information about certain situations. Shall I blame youth? Ignorance?
There are things on this site that boggle my mind. Listeners who don't really want to listen. They're pretty upfront about it their profiles but then again the profiles are also misleading. Members offering the wrong kind of advice. Instead of offering support or reason not to do something, they instead offer ways of hiding things. This seems counter-productive in my opinion.
Logan
Must be tough to manage between decisions of either actions, worrying of the possible consequences and outcomes. Regrets are often unavoidable (or perhaps i can only say managed or reduced) - Which makes us humans and maybe stronger in the long run? Perhaps only way I can suggest is to sit with it, but avoid ruminating over it. Whether the questions are asked or not, a decision was made at that standpoint and now its over. Avoid beating yourself over it, assessing over it as it hardly will help you nor the situation. Probably a better thought I can think of is to figure out on moving on or how to improve the situation at the current stage.
Well, about 7cups. Sometimes I do have my doubts. As of recent past few weeks rather, I kept feeling messages from my heart telling me to leave and avoid coming back. Not because of fakes nor whatever types of members/listeners/mods/communities, but rather as a time-to-wake-up kind of feeling that over dependency on "self-help" or seeking "acceptance" or whatever coping mechanisms are not going to bring me anywhere. - don't take it wrong, not saying that 7cups is totally 100% bad. What I'm trying to share is to be able to strive a balance and being aware of what is going on, taking care of yourself, where to hold your ground and aid the community and yourself. The end of the day, is managing oneself and being able to build a better you, while fostering a stronger community.
Take care eh?
@mikenai22 Hi Mike.
Ruminating is a hard cycle to break. We often feel as though we should have forseen things or thought far enough ahead, don't we? I think at some point though we just have to simply face the facts, not all questions have answers or they may not be the answers we want. Perhaps we need to change how we ask them.
I agree, there are many good things about the site as well as bad. We do need to find a balance between coming here for support and and supporting ourselves. Ultimately, we are the only one who can take care of what we need. Although, the acceptance from outside people and support they offer is a nice bonus.
Thank you Mike, I hope you take care as well.
Logan
TW
Its been awhile since I've harmed. A few months tbh. I was doing pretty good with the distractions. Keeping busy - keeping my hands busy. But I gotta be honest - the urge is there - it's like seeing the water bead slide down the side of a cold beer - how watching it makes you thirstier - the anticipation. Craving - craving the feeling - the color. It's sick I know. I know I shouldn't want to do this. It makes me feel worse for wanting to - which feeds another need - punishment.
I'm a disappointment and a failure. She told me so - she's been telling me since last night. She has reminded me of every fucking failure and short coming that's ever been done. Reminding me I couldnt even die right. How fucked up is that when you can't even get that right?
Idk - better stop there - yeah? Probably be censored anyway. The cops dont like you to use your words here but they dont realize - sometimes it helps to write it out - it helps to say the words. It takes away some of the depth of the silence imposed on us all. We hide enough because we think - feel or are told it's not right. I have so much shit tucked in the boxes of my head - I'm starting to think I should get one of those pods - let them store it for me
@mytwistedsoul
How about a pensieve? The words I want are gone so Im sitting here with you. It autocorrected to suffering lol— autocorrect knows whats up