Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

I understand now, perhaps not fully but the gist of it is there. It's not so much a balancing act but more of a juggling one. There aren't enough hours in the day and too many people contained in one body. Unfortunately, we're unable to acquire more of both things.

I understand the physical and mental exhaustion better. It occurred to me yesterday, there was another alter. A female, we'll call her S. I believe her roles may have been similar to my own and she was a protector and caretaker, a parental figure. We seemed to have shared the responsibilities that I alone now have. We were aware of one another but we were not co-conscious. Over a year ago she merged with our persecutor and became part of the Red Queen. I'm not sure why. We have some theories of course, but nothing is known for certain. The Queen of course, isn't talking. Unless, you consider the vile poison she spews, conversation. It's understood that it's a form of protection. It's also understood that she may be the one with the most trauma which helps make things more understandable as to why she is the way she is. The Doctor said she would most likely be the hardest one to reach and get through to. So far she has proved him correct. He thinks we'll get there eventually but that it will take some time. In my thinking it can't be soon enough because she is unbelievably cruel to most of the crew. She tends to focus on J and young A and the littles. Filling them with lies and undermining the delicate structure we have.

Which, I've been given the green light by A to formally introduce him. Which is a huge step for him, so I'm rather pleased but also wary because he's very special to me. He's one of the first who came out of hiding and I was the one to give him the name he has to replace the one he had. He's pretty nervous in all honesty, which I can understand. His name is Ari. He is 17 and is autistic. He is the one who writes all the poetry thats on the other thread J has. He's not much for conversations other wise but uses poetry to express himself, along with his signature paw prints. He's quite good with words, just not vocally. He's been a little afraid of sharing lately because of the new people he sees around, but I assured him that the ones who visit these threads are kind and understanding and that his poems are appreciated and enjoyed. We thought that this might make it easier for him to socialize a little and maybe help people understand if they don't get a reply but there's a poem posted instead. I think that may be all he's comfortable with sharing right now, so we'll let it stop there.

I've been seeing things. Usually out of the corner of my eyes. Usually around open doorways. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and usually puts us on guard instantly even though it's known that physically no one is there. Taz would let us know otherwise. In all honesty, I've been hesitant to talk to the Doctor about this because the last thing we need is another issue. It does make me question reality at times, as well as my own sanity. Maybe there is some validity to what J says, maybe we are all just crazy.

@redmark @NoneTheWiser @ ThePizza

For the past week - I have wanted to thank you all. For being so welcoming and supportive of Logan and Ari. For being accepting and open minded to this mess that is my life. Words can't really express my appreciation and gratitude for you all

This body holds a lot of pain at times. Physical pain. Of course, stress and tension make it worse because we tend to keep muscles tense. Last night was a bad night for pain. It's mostly the hips but also back and shoulders at times. There's also a problem with a collarbone that tends to pop in and out from time to time. Some of us handle the pain better than other's, even to the point of thriving on it, craving it. We have meds for it but usually don't take them. They should be taken with food which is often an issue, but even if they're taken with food then still can cause vomiting. Sometimes we'll look for something to distract from it or use visualization techniques. A favorite of J's is to blow up balloons and release them. It also helps with anxiety at times. There are times though that it feels like a deeper pain and nothing seems to help. Last night was one of those nights, but young Ari was a trouper about it or he tried to be. He was able to find some distraction here in the form of word games and one person he played with was quick to go back and forth with him. He said he had fun. He's been quicker to get agitated lately to the point of meltdowns. He rocks a lot or paces and flicks his fingers or flaps them. Stimming they call it. There are rumblings at first, usually he says "no good" and puts his hands over his ears and gently rocks. But if it gets worse he can and will harm himself and if he's out he harms the body. Headbanging or hitting and sometimes cutting. We try to prevent these but it's not always successful.

I've been having some issues here and there with things. I've lost my train of thought more times then I care to admit and I've started to question some of my actions and I find myself unsure. This is unusual for me. I usually do things with no misgivings, no second guessing. There are things that I'd like to offer to help with but I find myself wondering if it would be received well or if it would be insulting. I'm finding that the more I learn about people, the less I seem to know, if that makes any sense. There are some signs of what could be psychosis but I'm not 100% sure and I still hesitate to bring to the good Doctor's attention, because surely we have enough of problems.

There is some fixation on the growth path numbers and error codes. Today is day 410 and if you look it up it means gone and there have been thoughts of leaving here. There are reasons for this, which I'll not get into. One of our protectors tends to stay pretty close to the front and of course there are issues with the Queen. At times there is an overwhelming feeling of despair and I'm not sure how to deal with that. In all honesty, it has at times brought about thoughts of sui*cide, which prompts calls to hotlines and emails to the Doctor, which of course, causes him some concern to the point that he has suggested some inpatient treatment but there are a lot of feelings and it feeds feelings of paranoia at times. I'm not sure if there's any validity to these feeling though. It's all so confusing at times and the influence seems to make it worse. It is genuinely hard to know what to believe sometimes, if the persceptions of reality are true or false. Everything seems slightly skewed right now. Hopefully things will calm down soon before drastic measures need to be taken.

Logan

I hesitate to write here, but then I realize that if what I have to say upsets someone, so be it. To be honest, I'm a little upset myself. The worst they can do is.... well nothing. Report it I suppose, delete it, but I can do the same myself. Remember that.

I've come to the conclusion that there is a reason certain people come into our lives and that it's usually to teach us some thing. I'm aware that some people are not the same privately as they are publicly. Some people are genuinely nice, and others hide their toxicity under the guise of niceness. They seem to enjoy playing mind games and exacerbating things. Now it could be quite possible that they themselves aren't even aware of the things they do but I would like to think that we all have a certain level of awareness of ourselves that we know the things we do and how it could affect others. They do the very things they may have accused you of. They may claim you're being invalidating and disrespectful, all the while they've been doing the exact same thing. They get to know you well enough to know what things will bother you the most, what will cause the most problems. They may comment that they don't like what you have to say, thus ensuring your continued silence. They may say they don't understand how you can feel a certain way, which might add to your self doubt and questioning of your own emotions, making you wonder if you're even allowed to feel the way you do. They may claim that they're trying to understand when they haven't got a clue. They react in a way that causes apprehension and fear. They may cut all ties with you but then wonder why you don't do this or that. As an example, say someone blocks you on FB and then wonders why you didn't greet them when you saw them at Starbucks. Or perhaps in a conversation, you may try to extract yourself at a good time when things are calm and peaceful between you both but then they continue to pick at the conversation. They seem to wait until there are other things going on to bring up things you've done. Now, I'm not saying that things couldn't be discussed at all but I am a firm believer that timing is everything and that you shouldn't say one thing when you mean the opposite and expect the other person to know the difference. Don't let a number of different things build up to the point where you have a list of grievances. I fully understand that there are times when things just simply won't work out, that's just life I suppose.

Many people don't understand the complexities of the situation we have here. Which is understandable. There's one car here and multiple drivers. We all see ourselves as individuals but yet there are people who insist on lumping us all together as one. Where one may have done something wrong, we're all made guilty by association and I must say, it doesn't seem right. It reminds me of how one unruly child in a classroom can affect the outcome of recess for everyone. While it may achieve the desired results for the teacher, ultimately it affects everyone and for the time being all blame is on the shoulders of one child. It doesn't bring unity among the class, it brings division.

Now, I'm well aware that there is a level of toxicity in this post but it's better to let it out then to hold it in. Of course, these are just my thoughts and observations. You're welcome to agree or disagree.

Logan

Hey soul, I’m proud of you. I know this sound stupid but you are worthy of love. I won’t forget you, and there is someone who loves you even if you don’t see it. I have very bad anxiety as well so I understand. I find comfort in music as well. Good luck! ❤️

just popping in to say that 11 days may not seem like a lot but just watch over time 11 days will turn into 11 months and so on. I’ve struggled with SH from the age of 13 to now and I’m almost 25. Longest I went without self harm was over a year.. I alway find my way back to something sharp sadly but hey nobody’s perfect.. i hope you’re doing ok.

Let's discuss her shall we? The Red Queen. We've mentioned her often enough, I thought perhaps we should shed some light. She is a persecutor, an introject, but also a protector. (An introject is based on an external person that already exist, usually an abuser from childhood) Persecutors are often labeled "bad" or "evil". This isn't true of course, but they are difficult to deal with. She resembles, in many ways our mother. ( Her role is pretty intense, as it's to prevent further trauma. This means that they often (not always) experience abuse first hand so that no one else does.) The Red Queen mistreats, controls and oppresses both J and the rest of us. She screams cruel things, often claiming that we deserved the abuse, the suffering and that we should be dead. Persecutors often reenact trauma, hinder recovery and feel the need to harm the body. She can start headaches, she bullies the others, increases time loss. Simple put, she is abusive. This is often the only way they've ever been treated by anyone and the only way they know how to treat others. Ironically enough, she wasn't created to hurt or punish any of us, but to protect. Unfortunately, her form of protection went askew, misguided. She is helping the only way she knows how. Seems counterproductive doesn't it?

She does this because of vulnerability and fear of exposing secrets. Simply put, she feels threatened. To keep us in line she uses negative reinforcement, sabotages goals and healing. She often argues and cancels appointments. Even contacting family that are no contact. She interferes with relationships and life in general.

She doesn't seem hard to dislike does she? You could even say she's easy to hate. What we're trying to do, is see beyond her anger and hostility and understand that she is just as fragile as the rest of us and that while it may not make sense to us, she has her reasons.

The Doctor says that nothing good can come unless we can understand and validate her feelings and behavior. We need to stop seeing her as bad. We need to validate her pain. Then hopefully her hostility will diminish and we can work towards harmony. Or at least a calmer co-existence.

I'm almost certain I've missed many of the finer points. Most persecutors need to be interacted with carefully on our part because it is so detrimental to our healing, all of us.

Each system is unique, not all systems have persecutors and not all persecutors act the same. They aren't dangerous to others outside the system. People with DID are traumatized and have been most of their lives. It isn't something they have control over and it isn't something that can be turned on and off. All alters and systems are valid, despite what some people may think.

I hope this was an informative post and helped to shed a little light on the Red Queen. I apologize for the length.

Logan

It's so hard to keep track of time. It's hard to understand sometimes,how much time has past. It takes time to acclimate again to things. It's quickly regained but can be frustrating. There is a general fear of sharing, of reaching out to other for support or to offer support in return. Fear of hurting other's and being hurt. Some are angry still because of my harsh words in a previous post. While it may have been wrong for me to write in the tone I did, those were just my observations. I do believe that I am entitled to have my own opinion, correct? No everyone needs to agree with it. It's better that it was my opinion and not the opinion of someone else. His opinion would have been much harsher.

I can't say it hasn't caused problems, because it has. As far as I'm concerned, I had my say, I feel no need to keep rehashing it but it weighs on his mind. He keeps away from everyone. Even us inside. It is disheartening to have taken so many steps backward. Sometimes it feels as though all the work we've done has been all but erased. I suppose it will just take time to gain it back, but it makes me weary. It genuinely does.

I've had my antidepressants adjusted again and they're now a little higher but they don't seem to be helping. I find myself thinking and toying with thoughts and idea's that I know I shouldn't have. But they're there, my own skeletons in my own closet. Rattling their bones, calling for attention. There's too much drinking, not enough sleeping. Next to no communicating, not beyond the basic things for the dog. Reminders to eat, or something needs fixed. The driver's license expired the day after his birthday. It was completely forgotten and caused some issues with things like picking up medicines at the pharmacy. Now we wait for a camera card to go get it renewed. Which of course, will cause problems with anxiety. New things, new situations, anything outside the usual routine causes so much anxiety. Something so simple shouldn't cause that much trouble.

Logan

Things have tendency to feel worse at night don't they? As if the night gains it's teeth at night, becomes hostile almost feral in nature. Lying in wait to prey upon your mind and your soul. Waiting to consume your humanity or what's left of it. Night time is when we dwell on our failings, our short comings. Night time is when we sort through the growing pile of evidence and weigh the facts of the matter. We end up holding every position of our own judicial system. We become the culprit, the victim, the judge, the jury and the executioner. How do you win a case like that?

Is there a way to search for members?