feeling really lost and sad, no clue on what to do from this point onward
Hello 7cups nation, how y'all doing?
I truly hope you're all doing a lot better than me. I'm in a bit of a pickle (a small pickle but to me it feels gigantic) and I've no idea how to make my way out. Earlier today, I cried (uncontrollably) out of nowhere as I was on my way back home in the car. I've felt terrible ever since. My dad had asked me what my plans are for when I graduate and right now, I'm just clueless. I've been cluelessly wandering about life for the last few years (basically once I graduated high school) cause I think I'm too afraid to confront very suppressed truths about myself.
But what's worse is I feel so lost, and three years ago when I finished senior high, I did not think this is where I'd be in life three years later. To be completely honest, I have never been very ambitious. I dream a lot, but I never have a specific plan, if I do make one, I can't ever stick to it. I feel like I've always had so much potential for a lot of things, but I always fail to live up to it. I never hit that high point of success where I feel accomplished. And it is extremely (!!!) painful to see others my age doing so much better than me. I understand nothing good comes out of comparing myself to others but we live in a world in which we're taught to form our "dreams" around the accomplishments of other people, so we're made to inherently believe our own dreams, before others' dreams became known to us, are worthless and useless.
(trigger warning: potential su****** ideation ahead so please skip the following paragraph if you're sensitive to that topic. I'm not in a crisis so no need to worry too much about me)
When I was crying in the car, I realized I absolutely adore dreaming. Every time I'm awake I miss sleep because of how comforting it is to be in my own dream world. It's the one place I get to be in in which I don't feel the way I do when I'm conscious. It's like I'm d*** and every time I wake up or become undead, it feels like I'm back in this horrible state I just don't want to be a part of. And I barely enjoy anything of this world. There's so much of this world that I just do not like. I know being grateful for what I do have is very important, but when you take off those rose colored glasses for a second, you see just how awful this place really is. I don't want to settle for an awful reality. I think the majority of my point of view has to do with money. I hate money, I despise it, I've never cared about money. Once money is involved with something, I suddenly find it awful. It becomes evil, mundane, boring, like another meaningless chore. My dreams? Those are NOT useless nor worthless. Those dreams are freaking amazing. But the global dream of earning money, having steady income, fighting for yourself and not caring too much if others around you are dying? That is the lamest and most disturbing dream I've ever heard of. But it's the only dream that is deemed worth our time. This world revolves around money. I have no choice but to accept that, and so I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to d*e, but I just don't want to live. Or I'm scared to live. I wish I could survive on nothing but air and stay in an infinite dream. That's what I want. Everything else feels rotten, spoiled, like it sucks. Even things that everyone seems to enjoy, I just don't.
And so, now that I've written these thoughts down, I don't even know what to do. I don't know where I should go to create my purpose of being in this world. I don't know what I should do with my life, even less what degree to graduate with. And the clock is ticking and all these expectations and responsibilities are piling up to a point where it's all kind of crumbling down already. It makes me so sad when I envision my younger self, how illuminated she was and how good she was at so many things. How excited she was, even if she did feel nervous. But now I just struggle in everything and I dread basically everything. Whoever is reading this, hi, I hope you don't mind how pessimistic I sound, I promise I'm a lot of fun sometimes. But this is how I feel, truthfully. I'm always making a joke of how lost I am, I make it funny, people find it relatable and funny, I try to be lighthearted about my feelings of dread about the world, but it doesn't change the way I just feel. And this leads to me crying unexpectedly in a car ride when I'm asked a simple question like what do I want to do a year from now. Cause I don't even know what I'm doing right now.
Here's some more stuff about me for context. I've felt very bored during my time at uni, and I've tried out many different subjects
that I thought I might enjoy, and even if I do have a little interest, it wears
out so fast, and I can't see myself working in any of those subjects. I do
enjoy art a lot, but it's been so long since I touch a sketchbook or a paint
brush and it feels really dreadful to do so now. And I don't even know if I can
make earn a living off of that, the chances are so slim so I'm really confused
on what I want to do. And as for uni, even though I can't see myself in
anything academic, I've thought of finishing with a degree in music, because
it's what I love and it's what I originally wanted to dedicate my time to, but
I was too afraid and it still seems so scary to pursue because it just doesn't
lead to anything solid or steady. But I see the music students in their classes
and performances and I always wish that were me. But I wouldn't want to do
music education cause I don't want to work as a teacher either. I'm also
deathly afraid of ending up unemployed. I'm not rich, and seeing how my parents
struggled taught me from a really young age how important having enough money
is. But I'm not greedy either, I don't want to put time into something I don't
really care about just because it makes me six figures or more. I just want to
do something that makes me feel happy and excited but doesn't leave me
wondering if I'll have a roof over my head. The last few years or even the past decade
of my life have been so hard, mentally and emotionally, and I think I could've
been in a much more secure spot by now if I had just asked for help sooner. I
think I've rambled long enough, thank you for reading all this if you got this far, and I'm sorry if you think I'm just talking a lot of BS. Maybe I am, maybe I'll look back in some years and feel an ick at the way I used to think. I hate to sound so doom and gloom. It's just been very hard for me to see things differently, especially as of late. But if you're going through or have gone through something similar, leave a comment and let me know. I love this community here. I'm grateful for all the people here who leave supportive comments on my posts and
on others', y'all are so freaking amazing. Thank you so much.
@peaceandblessings
Hello, my lovely friend, peace! How's your day going today? It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and are finding everything hard currently. I can completely relate to how you feel, just feeling stuck in life, especially regarding school. And your problems are valid; many people are sitting in a similar position as you. You are not alone.
Firstly it is okay to cry and have a mini meltdown in your car. Sometimes these things happen, but it doesn't seem out of anywhere. You must be overwhelmed and stressed, especially with the pressure from your dad, and what seems like everyone else has their life and future wrapped in a nice little bow. While it would be ideal to have your future lined up, it is not right now, and that is okay. Often society and people tell us that we need to have things figured out, and we don't always find a nice and tidy timeline. It can take time to figure things out and see what we enjoy. Making decisions that affect our life is scary; sometimes, we even push them off because we don't know the correct answer. But there is no wrong answer. Even if you make a choice that isn't right for you at the moment, you can use it as an opportunity to grow, and for us to say well, this did not work out for me; let's move on to the next thing. That doesn't make you a failure. What are those truths about yourself that you don't want to confront? I know that hiding and avoiding can seem easy, less painful, and less work, but sometimes those hidden things about ourselves weigh us down. Starting to acknowledge them and put words to them can be the first step to working through them, which can be very freeing.
I can understand where you are coming from with not enjoying this world. There isn't anything that you *should* be because there is what you are. There is no need to be feeling that you should be grateful. There are always things to work on, but perspective is essential. Maybe it stems from depression, but looking at this world and seeing all it's bad is hard. You see the pain and suffering that people go through and all the messed up stuff. I hear your point about money that our world often revolves around money. One of the reasons that people go to college is to have a job that makes more money. Otherwise, we would get a job out of high school that made us happy, right? But where I respectfully disagree is that we do have a choice. We get to choose our beliefs and values and control our actions. Yea, maybe not entirely, but we do have some. We can have careers and jobs that don't make us miserable and that we genuinely enjoy, and that is helping to better this world. Because so many people fall into the trap of believing that money is everything, there is so much more to life. It just takes some reflection and what you want to value in life. I recently read a book called the book of joy. I enjoyed it because part of the book focused on how we can find joy while acknowledging the suffering in this world. The eight pillars of joy, they said, were perspective, humility, humor, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and generosity. Reflecting on some of those in your life would be of benefit.
It sounds like you have dreams. What are they? That would be a great place to start. I know that it can be overwhelming to start. You don't know where because it is too much, and then you stop. It can be hard to muster up the ambition and the motivation sometimes. So you take small, manageable steps. You lay out a plan. YOu make goals. Holding yourself accountable for things can be challenging. Sometimes sharing with others and checking in with them is helpful. You are not going to wake up most mornings and say. I'm ready to conquer the world. I mean, some do and pat on the back to them, but that's not everyone. Some have to work much harder, and having someone else hold you accountable could help keep you on track. When you say you have failed, whose standard are you failing to? Your standards? Your parents? When you say you never had success, what is success to you? I mean, you could cure cancer and still be unhappy and feel unsuccessful. You got out of bed today. That could be a success. Take some time and write a list of all the things you have accomplished in your life and take a minute to think, not just brush it off, saying nothing. Because when you look at things like I ate meals, I turned in my homework, I got this award, I got into college, and whatever they are for you, you are doing a great job, even when it feels like you are failing and unsuccessful.
I can certainly relate to the pain of comparing yourself to others. You seriously will never gain anything by comparing yourself. However, at times it seems impossible to stop. Everyone seems to have everything together, and you feel so much less. You must trust yourself and know that only some have the same journey. You are doing your best, and that's all that matters. Everyone's path is different, but yours matters, is important and worthy, and is right for you. Even if nobody is following in your footsteps, it's better than living someone else's life and being miserable.
When looking at your life, finding your purpose can be a great place to start. What mark do you want to leave on this world? (not that it has to be a gracious plan, but for example, you want to know that you showed kindness to everyone you met) I know that your time in college is coming to a close (how soon?), but that doesn't mean that when you leave, you got to have it figured out, yes I know there are requirements for choosing a major, but there is always time, time to rework things, and create new plans, most people never stay with the same job/work field anyways. When you speak about the fact that when you were younger, you viewed how you would be now differently, but as a child, you had a naive view of the world. You didn't see the hardships and the realities, and your younger self can not predict the future. You can't compare yourself to that. Life is full of struggles and hardships. Finding that childlike happiness and wonder about the world as you grow up can be challenging. The fact is that most times, adulting sucks. It presents so many challenges and responsibilities. It can so often feel like you are drowning. It sounds like you have gone through a lot. Humor can be a way to deflect and hide that deep pain you feel because, under the smile, you are hurting. Hey, a year is so far away, I still don't know what I will eat for dinner, and it's nearly tomorrow morning. Sometimes we don't know, and that's okay. I know it creates a lot of anxiety, I don't know, but maybe there is a way to find peace within the uncertainty.
It can be scary that following a passion you are unsure of will provide you with a solid income and job. While we want to say go and follow your dreams, it can be scary. However, we live in a world where we can do a job out of anything. You just got to find your niche. As far as music and art go, there are so many different careers within the field. Taking some time to explore other options within your passion might be helpful. I'm not exactly sure what you want, but I've had friends, who love art and music, and they have found enjoyable jobs to take, with solid incomes and employment, and live a fulfilling life. You got to see the balance between risk and reward and passion vs. reality, but there is always hope you can find balance. While money has had a high value as a kid, maybe you can try to evaluate your decision while factoring money and also while not. You might find you are placing a lot of weight on something that doesn't matter to you as you express that you wish money didn't affect you so much. Overall, wanting a job that places a roof over your head and makes you happy is very valid. You got this. It sounds like you have been through a lot mentally and physically. I'm proud of you for reaching out now. That is a big step that takes much bravery and courage. You do not need to apologize or feel bad for speaking your truth. Things will not always be sunshine and rainbows, and that's okay. The feelings you are having right now are valid. I can certainly relate to a lot of them.
I hear the pain in your writing, friend, but we are here for you and will get through. I know it is overwhelming and scary, but trust yourself and show yourself some kindness. You are doing fantastic.
