My old favorite teachers favoritism crushed me and I didn't realize that until now.

My old 6th grade writing teacher was probably the only one who gave me hope in my time of hardship that year, which I went to summer school that year. she gave me hope that there were still nice teachers in this world when I had the worst depression imaginable. she, was my favorite teacher, my first favorite teacher, ever.

that same year, I made friends with this very pretty girl who looked exactly like me but shorter and if I had more confidence and a better style and lost some weight. she was also very popular, but she had the same personality as me. quiet when irritated, loud when angry, and a similar goofy laugh like mine when I found something amusing. 

anyways, like all people that year, almost everybody liked my writing teacher for how chill and laid back she was and how relatable she was as well and let you use your phone in class.

because my grade was so loud that year, and very disrespectful I didn't think any of the teachers truly liked any of us, but I was wrong.

because my friend was in another class that year, I never got the chance to see what she was truly like, her true personality. it wasn't until last year when I got to see how she truly acted in front of people. But she must have did something to make my writing teacher want to see and hang out with her and show her new baby to my friend first. 

i'm currently in the 8th grade, and my writing teacher got moved up to teach 7th grade, and in the beginning of the school year, she had a baby over the summer and took a maternity leave, and once the baby was a couple weeks old, he was brung into my 8th grade reading class and showed specifically to her up close and the rest of us, were able to see from far away. I didn't think anything of this though.

then, I remember all those times in the hallway when my writing teacher was there and my friend was there they would always interact and talk like old friends.

in 7th grade, when my writing teacher was still teaching 6th grade, I visited her often until I wasn't allowed to anymore by the assistant principal for I don't know what reasons. but during those small visits, I remember wanting to speak to her alone at one point and how I gathered up the courage to ask to speak to her alone, I never spoke to her. I never asked her how to come out as LGBTQ+ to any of my teachers. I figured since she was often so supportive, she would be best. but she forgot. I wanted advice.. but I guess it was pointless, I came out to 3 of my teachers my seventh grade year.

I sort of felt worthless to her after my seventh grade year, that special bond between me and her was gone. I wanted to be relatable to some teacher so bad and prove to myself that all teachers are not bad people. 

when i saw her again last year a couple months after 8th grade started, I ignored her. whenever I saw her, I just think back to those times I visited her. how much time I wasted and how worthless it was and I felt as if it was a joke that someone as shy as myself could ever ask her for advice on coming out. 

today, my friend was pulled into her class for 20 minutes for who knows what in her 7th grade homeroom after everyone had gone down to their specials. (in elementary school, specials are classes we have 1-2 times a week such as gym, music class, art, tech, dance, etc. and these were easy grades that don't go towards your GPA yet) and I felt a feeling of jealousy.

I remember coming home feeling hurt about how she cared about someone who never visited her and only interacts with her in the hallway rather then someone who wanted to be by her side until that someone graduated and they tried their best before they were shut down. it, crushed me.

and I accept the fact it crushed me. because I learned that its better for me to keep quiet.

but, I found my teacher who was relatable. I found my favorite teacher this year, and even though i'm still shy around her, she always makes time for those who visit her.

to my algebra teacher whos turning 57 this year, I won't ever forget about you and how you prioritize your time and interact with everyone so nobody feels lonely, I respect that.