husband drinking again
I have been married for 4 years and we dated 2 years. When we met, he was 4 years sober from alcohol. He has had a few occasions that he drank when we went out for a social event. I don't drink at all, mostly because I want to support him in sobriety and I don't feel like I should drink if I ask him not to. Plus, I just don't like getting buzzed or drunk. Some times, he has just a beer or one or two drinks. But, a handful of times, he has gotten blackout drunk. I finally told him that I don't want to be around that because it increases my anxiety. I told him that it wasn't me trying to control him. It is because he says mean things when he's in that state and he has become sexually aggressive at times. I have never been a big drinker, so I don't know much about AA or the 'rules'. He has been in AA off and on for 30 years. (we are in our early 50's).
He has many excuses on why he can drink.. For example- He needs to have a beer to relax after work He can have just a few drinks and it is no different than our friends who drink. I told him that I odn't know how those people are at home when they get drunk.
There is a big family weddig coming up and they are all huge drinkers. I'm dreading that weekend. I don't know what to do or say to him about it. But, if he gets blackout drunk again, I want to tell him no more drinking at all and I don't want to be around it. Any suggestions on how to handle this? This is a pretty serious topic for me and our marriage.
@RLKC2019
Hey there! It can be so difficult for the people around the addict. I can understand how it can be frustrating to see your partner slipping in his behavior and being unable or unwilling to put a stop to his drinking behavior. It sounds like he doesn't currently see his few drinks as an issue. He doesn't seem to have your outside perspective. I have a bit of knowledge of these meetings so I can do my best to help you here. With AA meetings, they follow the 12-steps, based around there being a higher power than them in control and lean on a sponsor1 . I recommend you take a look at an Al-Anon group2.
1 A Sponsor is someone who is a recovered addict who has been cleaned for however long and sponsors another addict on their sobriety journey.
2 Al-Anon groups are programs that offer to families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the person recognizes their drinking issues or seeks help.
@RLKC2019,
oh no! I’m so sorry you had to deal with a person that has a drinking problem. I can also relate to you my partner also was sober from he’s drinking problem when we first meet. When we were just boyfriend and girlfriend he told me that he made a pact not sure what type of pact so that was the reason that he couldn’t drink anymore. Well I guess I believed him and went away getting to know him until we decided to move in tomorrow. And ever since we did first he was all nice and we had good times, but now not to long ago he started to drink and drink which he is now not able to stop. He drinks daily all he says is I need one because I come tired from work fine then just drink one if you are tired no problem. But this drink goes on and on until he becomes drunk and is completely out of it not knowing nothing about himself. Trust me I feel like you the differences is that we are in our early 40’s but not much of a difference. But I have told him many times that he’s drinking is causing me a huge distress and making my anxiety worse. But he doesn’t listen he still comes home everyday when I pick him up from work he’s already drinking and with a bottle of beer on he’s hand. He comes home and leaves he’s beers all over the place, so I have to be the one picking them up. It’s very tiring living with a person that doesn’t care about he’s family only he’s beer. For him it’s coming to the point that he doesn’t care about he’s physical appearance anymore all he does is drink and drink. I cannot take it anymore I feel like he’s drinking is ruining my life and he’s to. We even end up fighting all the time because of this issue, he also insults me so bad that he always puts me down. And expects me to forgive me the next day like nothing had happen with us. Not sure if you are in the same boat as me, but if you are let me know that you are not alone on this I’m here with you and I also need some answers in what AA is I don’t even know what that is ether.
Leave him. Or legitimately threaten to, at the very least. I’m a man who has abused alcohol in several relationships, leading to their eventual demise. Fact is, if a man is drinking, it’s because he’s not happy. He is trying to escape, he feels controlled, he feels negative about how life is going, he feels like he needs to lash out against the crushing weight of the world. I don’t mean to imply it’s your fault. I don’t know enough to say why he is dissatisfied with his life. But he needs to realize what he has, and to fight for it. The only way to get him to do that is to present very severe consequences, and hope he makes the choice for the change you desire. I recognized my folly too late, and lost several great women because of it. I still drink. I lead a very lonely life. Should another woman bless me with her favor, I pray I won’t make the same mistake. Hopefully he has enough experience and wisdom to realize the value of what he has, and that losing someone who obviously cares greatly about him leads to a very dark place.
I understand your points, however I don’t think the reasons you mentioned are the only reasons he could be drinking. And I also think your ideas could very easily be the cause of these stressors and not the other way around. Let me explain:
- Trying to escape - There a billions of people who have had traumatic or disheartening events happen to them who never touch a drop of alcoholic. Maybe all the suffering and all the consequences of his drinking are what he’s escaping…by drinking more.
- Feeling controlled - Maybe he’s feeling controlled because he’s constantly out of control due to his alcoholism and people are always trying to get him to see the light of day. So he drinks to avoid facing the facts.
- Negative about how life is going - See points above. His inebriated actions and behaviors could be creating the stress and tension with others around him. It’s also possible he has or may inadvertently harm himself or others because of his state, causing long term repercussions. It’s possible the negativity in life is because of his drinking and not because of other outside factors.
- Dealing with the weight of the world - Again, see above. That weight, we ALL deal with it. But alcohol is not a solution. That weight doesn’t get lighter with substance disorders. Most of the time, it gets heavier. That weight gets worse the more we give in to inanimate controls. Our choices in life directly affect how much weight we carry.
All in all, I understand and recognize substance disorders, like alcohol, create and maintain a vicious cycle of mental and emotional abuse and/or neglect to both the person suffering from it and the people suffering for it. This cycle is sometimes absolutely impenetrable. It takes time and patience but also love and determination to push through. And even after trying for weeks, months, or even years, nothing may come of it. For those of us on the outside looking in who truly love the raw soul of a human being, we know the battle ahead of us and we understand things may not come out the way we’d hope. But we don’t give in and we don’t give up. That would make us no different than the person or people for which we are trying to help.
