Drugs and sex and trauma
Im so sorry if this is the wrong thread and/or not appropriate. Very hard and embarrassed but need to reach out and get support, my counsellor not really helping but to be fair i do struggle to talk about despite it being well in the past for me now.
When i was using meth with my ex it consumed my whole being, i lost sense of reality and who i am and what i stand for at my core. I became caught up in him and was constantly consenting to being injected yet want to blame him.
I allowed myself to be used, mistreated, cheated on and sold. With this it was like i needed him to tell me i wasnt good enough to make it all make sense somehow.
Guess this came from my inner self and lack of worth but led to further trauma as a result.
I dont like my lady downstairs parts as a result, i feel and think all the things in flashbacks as evidence for this. I actually hate that part so much that i have tears as am writing, am ashamed even when have go to drs for girly appointments let alone ever allow further love (along with not being ready, healing etc.)
I don't know what to do......
@tornwillow *offers a safe hug* May I sit with you? It is hard to reach out for support. Its hard to get past the shame and embarrassment of the things we went through. It doesn't matter how much time has passed - there's no time line for healing. But I know alot of times we think we should be passed all this by now
I don't know much about meth tbh but from what I read here - it sounds as though the drugs made the choices not you. I hope this sounds the way I want it to - but you weren't the one making the choices - the drugs were. You were the victim of both him and the drugs. You're clean now yeah? If its ok to ask that - no pressure to answer anything you're uncomfortable with ok?
I have to admit - um - I'm not a girl - I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable to know that and if it does just say and I'll step back - I won't be offended. But I do understand not liking certain parts down there and having trouble making appointments for things. I mean - I'm sure there's a big difference between your appointments and mine. I get embarrassed just talking about that stuff. Does your doctor know? About the trauma you went through? It can help if they're aware. They try better to set you at ease and can be understanding of triggers. Do you have a therapist to work through things with? It helps. Even sharing here helps. Just talking about it helps
I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you. Tbh - I kind of feel like maybe I should have let someone else reply. I'm sorry. I guess I'd just like you to know you did really good talking about it here. It was very brave. Be patient with yourself ok? There's alot of people here who understand. You're not alone
*sorry this got so long
@mytwistedsoul
Thankyou so much, your response really touched me. Please dont apologise or doubt your support, it actually really helped having 'a guy' answer.
You far from upset me and your extensive reply comforted my long and embarrassing post. Again thankyou!!!!!!
Yes, I am clean now and have been ever since broke free from all the toxic. 2yrs now. Alot of healing needed and not allowing myself to believe he needs or loves me.
I guess i struggle accepting how much he did me wrong and how much I allowed. He was well in addiction so feel stupid that I got to a point to even join.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and hope you are keeping strong and positive. Your an amazing soul and made a huge difference!!
@tornwillow I'm really proud of you being two years clean. I hope you feel some pride for yourself. That's a big deal. It probably wasn't very easy. I think it shows alot of strength
Maybe you lost little pieces of yourself along the way and trauma tries to fool you. It tries to make things seem like it was our fault. Maybe he gaslit you alot - which might be why you have to fight with yourself so you don't believe he needs you or loves you. Like he was grooming you to be what he wanted you to be? Maybe that could even explain why you joined him with doing it? If he made you think it was no big deal or that it was enjoyable. Maybe he thought if you joined he wouldn't have to justify his using? I'm just guessing of course
You're welcome. I really hope things get better for you - we just have to take one step at a time - one day at a time ok?
@mytwistedsoul
thank you, thank you and thank youuuu!!!!!!
i guess it’s hard to differentiate my fear in dismissing my actual role versus infact being victim…..if that makes sense?
….Am just petrified, who I became and all that happened…..don’t want to know
I truely hope you are also travelling well and know are not alone, am here xx
@tornwillow I think it makes sense. Like you want to hold yourself accountable and not make excuses - while at the same time you need to acknowledge that trauma you went through so you can heal?
It is terrifying discovering things that happened - things we went through that we blocked from our minds. Who you became - doesn't have to be who you stay. We learn - we heal - we grow. Will you be the person you were before you went through everything you did - no. You'll be wiser and you'll find strength you didn't know you had - some of which you've shown just by getting clean and staying clean. One day you'll see how far you've come and you will be amazed ❤️
It's takes alot of courage to post and I respect you for that! I'm here for you 😊
@compassionteCar7091
Thankyou that means everything and more
You went through a traumatic experience and it's not your fault! Allow yourself to process what happened first! Don't force the healing process and be patient while you recovery mentally, and emotionally 🙏 have you tried "self-care" routine yet? Maybe finding things that use to make you smile that you could enjoy again? To help with recovery from your trauma 🤗
@compassionateCar7091
i indeed need to learn more of patience. I think I am indeed forcing the healing process!
was wondering if you could perhaps give examples or point me in right direction of self care, I suck at it and appreciate your encouragement around doing so. I struggle with confidence so hold self back.
are you doing well xxx am here for you also
I understand this alil to well different drugs but everything else about the same idk if u wanna talk but I'm here still going through mines be honest
@proactiveNorth9267 thankyou and sending back my love. How are you holding up? Wouldn’t wish this on anyone. You are not alone, keep strong
@tornwillow Everyone must be responsible for themselves, to bravely refuse bad things, even if they love the person they love, I must learn to refuse. I believe everything will be fine. The future is bright.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re doing well now. You’re so strong and brave to post this! No one deserves that kind of treatment ever.
@Katsuddon thankyou, but really!!
you touched my heart and soul
