Prayer & Advice Request

i posted this on another community board not really knowing which one to do- but here-

I've been so down for so long. I stopped going to church. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. I stopped everything. I fear being shunned. I don't feel like I deserve to be in God's eyes and heart. I made a horrible decision a few years ago that I can never forgive myself for and I don't know how God could forgive me either so l've been running away from him and everyone else in the community for at least a year now. Or maybe two now. My church is not even 5 minutes away from my house. I could walk there. And yet I don't. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm so guilty. I don't know what to do. I've sinned horribly. I can't take it back. I want to take it back. I want to go back in time. But I can't. And sometimes I want to d*e, but then I also don't even think I'd go to heaven if I did- which defeats the purpose. I'm just lost.