Developing Healthy Coping Skills

As an individual therapist, I am frequently asked how people develop healthy relationships. Often, we learn how to do that from the modeling we receive from our families of origin. However, many of us didn't come from healthy families, so we didn’t get the modeling we needed to begin with. When that happens, it's difficult to know what a healthy relationship even looks like. If that's the case, how can we develop a healthy relationship?

I think the best place to start is by asking ourselves what a healthy relationship is? There are many kinds of relationships: Passionate, intimate relationships between couples, friendships, relationships between coworkers, short term relationships, long term relationships, acquaintances etc. but basically, they should follow these basic rules;

Ø Trust

Ø Respect

Ø Supporting each other's interests

Ø The ability to feel safe being honest and open with each other

Ø The ability to maintain your individual identity

Ø The ability to talk about your hopes, dreams, fears, and future

Ø The ability to express fondness and affection, and equity and fairness.

These rules may seem overwhelming and confusing, particularly if we have never seen them in place before. This is why it is important to look at other relationships and see if we can spot these principles in actions. Compare other relationships, looking at what we like and don’t like. Borrowing the healthy actions and behaviors so we can practice to see what works for us. It is important to understand we hold the key to making sure these principles are in place.

In order to do that we have to set these limits for ourselves and others;

1. Give Feedback assertively

2. Take Feedback constructively

3. Make a plan to be better

Here is a link that explains these three principles better. https://nickwignall.com/strong-relationship/

These principles can only be put in place when we understand what we need by understanding what our values are.

One of the reasons people become so disappointed with relationships, is because they give up themselves for the sake of just being in a relationship. This happens when we do not know what our values are, or even how to determine them. We feel afraid of being alone because we don’t know who we are. Which means we can’t set boundaries, communicate our needs, understand our self-worth, or even have deal brakers to keep ourselves safe. These are all necessary parts of being a healthy person. If we are not healthy, we cannot have healthy relationships. We must know who we are if we want others to understand who we are and what we need from them.

In his book “Date Or Soulmate? How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less.” Neil Clark Warren (founder of E Harmony), talks about the importance of knowing yourself, having a can’t stand it list, a must have list and differences you must not overlook. When people ignore these principles in any kind of relationship, problems begin.

So remember, if we want healthy relationships of any kind we have to

Ø Know ourselves

Ø Learn to be assertive and ask for what we need

Ø Don’t be afraid to spend some time alone

Ø Must have values and deal breakers

Ø We have to understand our worth and value.

Here are some resources that might be helpful

1. 7 Signs You’re Dating an Emotionally Immature Adult - https://medium.com/personal-growth/7-signs-youre-dating-an-emotionally-immature-adult-52fcbee7701b

2. Assertiveness: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming More Assertive - https://nickwignall.com/assertiveness/

3. Know Your Values: 7 Ways to Discover and Clarify Your Personal Values - https://nickwignall.com/know-your-values/

4. Madea - let them go - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTPzXwNVc9g

5. Books - What About Me?: The Insider's Guide to Better Boundaries by Steph Sterner

6. Unf*ck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs (5-minute Therapy) 2nd Edition

7. by Faith G. Harper

8. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life - Kindle edition by Cloud, Henry, Townsend, John.