All the words I cannot say to my mother.

Just needed to let this out…

Guilting somebody into getting the expression of love you want builds resentment. Shows how conditional your love is. Making somebody feel meanspirited for putting things in their proper place and not choosing to perform dramatic acts of gratitude at the cost of practicality is just too much drama.

I already gave up all my time and was willing to give up on everything to live your dreams and in the name of earning the title you can brag about, now you make me feel like a bad person for trying to save enough just so I can afford some happiness. The happiness and freedom you and your expectations could not provide.

Not to mention anything about the burden of a brother you will leave me with. Supporting him and providing for a full grown debilitated adult is worth more than all the material expense and grand gestures you demand of me.

All on top of proving that the times I did for you what my money could afford, you did not even consider because they weren’t on your terms, not grand enough to be posted and to brag about to your friends. So sorry for not wanting to splurge on you unnecessarily all the time.

I’m tired of everything, I’m tired of being just your wish granted, a trophy you can brag about. I don’t even know who I am and what I actually want to do with my life just because you always make me feel like an ingrate for wanting more for myself and for wanting something other than what you can imagine.

Always saying not to compare myself to others and really if I will have to be objective about it, where I am is not enough, not enough for me to be complacent. I appreciate everything you have done for me and I am willing to give back when I can but it also can’t come at the price of everything I’ve been trying to build, I’m sorry. I’ll give you what you want but I will also resent you for a long time for this.