Spouse Abandonment
You might have read some of this before, need to vent…
Most therapy that is available is considered spouse abandonment when a husband abandons a wife. However, the results and impact are the same when a wife abandons their husband.
I was happily married for 25 years and had absolutely no clue that my wife was planning on leaving me. She went to work one day and just never came home. Then came the no contact order of protection. So she was gone I couldn’t talk to her and I had no idea why. It didn’t take long for me to find out. It was because she was handling finances for our whole marriage. We are now totally broke and bankrupt and have no money in the house to sell to retire for our retirement plans. I cannot even describe the pain and destruction this created in my soul. It literally killed my soul and for two months I’ve been walking around empty inside. I am partially disabled from head to toe. I have been retired for 14 years. Year after year, I’ve had to give up one thing or another and as that occurred I became closer and closer to my best friend, my wife. My retirement plans included her 24 seven.
To say that I am lost and have no direction would be a severe understatement. Nothing I used to enjoy before do I enjoy now. My world is empty. My future is empty because I have not only no wife no best friend no companion, but I have no money and no credit. I have had to leave it in God‘s hands to help me day by day. I have no friends that are not joint with her and everyone loves her as I do. I have no local support group. One son is 800 miles away where I go and visit where I plan on retiring. My other son is 2700 miles away.
I experience anxiety attacks frequently and breathing exercises help.
How do others cope with this type of abandonment?
@lostman2608
I am not sure how to help your feelings on this. the betrayal is beyond what most others can comprehend. I am sure you will go thru all the stages of grief... Processing it will take many questions we may not want to answer.
I am just wondering how we really connect with our long term partner. where was the disconnect? did she consider you her best friend? it maybe surprising to find out we assume how our spouse thinks differently. Was she unhappy and if so for how long?
I am ready to walk away too maybe not in the dramatic fashion as your wife. My spouse may feel just as blindsided as you are. Believe me if he claims he had no idea he will be lying. mine will say something like " i know she was miserable but i thought she would get over it a phase".
I have not left because splitting the money would leave me working much longer. With all our long term plans I feel she deserves to tell you WHY.... to explain her handling or mishandling of the money. Do you think she took it or just made a disastrous judgement?
Have you sought legal advice to make sure you can get accountability. Sad but true at a certain point do not count on past friendship / feelings or relationship to make the situation better. It is about planning YOUR path forward.
I can find no evidence that the only thing she did with money is mismanage it get behind payments and watch the ball got rolling and got out of control. I have no evidence she bought anything for herself. My entire family spent time with her just days before she left And then days before that and the holidays and they saw no sign that we weren’t the perfect couple. I believe she left the way she did because she’s backed into a corner. Couldn’t explain the lies. She’s a very competent strong woman, and I don’t think she could find any other way out. I believe she assumed I would handle it a lot worse than I did regarding the finances. The finances are nothing compared to the manner in which she left me.
@lostman2608
I thought that when i first read your post.
That perhaps a mistake or situation got out of control and out of embarrassment or disappointment in herself she chose to run or hide instead of speaking up and asking for help. With that said if she came around could you ever forget the hurt of the abandonment beyond the finances?
Many couples look perfect and happy to the outside friends / family or neighbors. Many think the couple is great..not seeing the act put on by one or both. There are issues of communication and trust if a huge downturn in finances happened over time. why not speak up and share to get both on the same page? she obviously did not see that as an option.
Many do not see behind a curtain. Only those who no longer have any feelings will be truthful and not smile like all is great.
Interesting points you make. I have considered if she’s good enough to keep those finances from me for all those years. Maybe she was faking some of the rest too. Those thoughts have come to my mind.
I apologize for the size of the text font. I didn’t have my glasses and I thought that was just for writing the text. I didn’t think it would print that way. My apologies.
@lostman2608 I'm so sorry you're experiencing this kind of abandonment and health and financial issues. Sometimes life events can shock and tear us apart and our resilience is put to test severely. I'm glad you came on this site and I hope you are able to share your feelings and find support. Please look after your health. Remember its possible to heal. Recovery from grief takes time and efforts but it's a rewarding process and better days do come .... I hope you can feel hope and pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and engage in some activities that offer you peace.
Maybe if you could speak to your children online or on phone it could help you as well.
Keep us posted on how everything goes.
Everyone here has been very supportive and caring. I appreciate having this site to go to. My two boys are in their late 30s and are very supportive. I don’t like to beat them up too much with my negative commentary. They absolutely love their stepmother. She actually saved them in so many ways. I let them know that I know this is affecting them as well And I try to be sensitive. But even with that, they think I should play a lot harder in this process than I am. I truly believe there’s a mental illness thing playing the major part here and I know you can’t rationalize with mental illness and you don’t choose it. I actually still worry about her because I know this isn’t the person I know. I am learning to accept. I have absolutely no control here, and I am trying to take care of myself. My dog Harryman gives me purpose, keeps me focused, keeps me cooking, keeps me active, and makes me feel loved. We will be OK one day. We were just used to being so much more than OK. His mama abandoned him too, and it has been awful watching what he is going through
@lostman2608 Bless you. My heart goes out to you. Thank goodness for dogs, right?! We can never truly know what goes on in other people's heads sometimes no matter how long we have known them. Take care of yourself. This too shall pass.
@lostman2608 you sound hopeful and positive and making the right efforts. If you lapse into losing interest in things repeatedly you might want to check with a psychiatrist as well and get some medicine. Medicine has helped me a lot.
@lostman2608
I am really sorry to read what you wrote... It made me very sad to read about this kind of abandonment. It must be traumatising to go through such a thing. I dont know what to say much but I do hope things work out and turn out good in the long run.
