Undiagnosed and confused
I've always known something is wrong with me. I struggle to express my emotions when talking to real people. I hate myself. My looks amd my personality. I am an awful person and i do bad things without having a reason or a motive. I cheated on my boyfriend at the strat of our relationship. I liked my boyfriend and our relationship seemed good. The sex was good and he treated me well. I don't know why I did what i did. It was only physical and I didn't like the other guy as a person. I can't say the sex was better. It was the same as my boyfriend. I guess I was just a ***. I acknowledge what I did was awful and very hurtful and humiliating for my boyfriend. He gave me another chance because he loves me but now he can't stop thinking about it. It has been a year. He knows I can't talk about my feelings and told me I can just write him a letter about my feelings in the relationship and my motive for cheating. There was no motive I think I was just a ***. I am afraid to seek professional help because I dont want people to think that I'm faking or seeking attention. I hate myself but also feel like a narcissist. If I tell him this he is going to think i just want him to feel bad for me.
I meant to say w.h.o.r.e but the app censored it with ***
@charmingSkies4327
What if you wrote a letter not to him but yourself ...
do not edit or think about anyone else reading just let your feelings flow...good bad or ugly
it sounds like you are very down on yourself and in that situation .......attention flirting or a fling seems exciting and you may feel attractive and fun or different....
after it is over .......you see it was someone you do not like as a person and go back to blaming yourself and putting yourself down. There is a reason even if you do not want to say it ... you like your BF ,,,, the sex is same as ....maybe you are not content.
I had a partner who cheated decade ago i still think about it sometimes when the relationship is having trouble and i think they are a bad partner they did this ..... but when things work never crosses my mind.
Get your feelings out and figure it out not for BF but for you because even if we do not like or want to believe there IS a reason.
@charmingSkies4327
It seems you're filled with guilt and see yourself in a very negative way. You can't erase what happened but you can learn to forgive yourself for it and reach out for support. It can be helpful to talk about what happened with a listener here.
You can find more about therapy at 7cups here. Therapy can help you in many ways from learning new coping skills to helping you find new ways of thinking which will change your behavior and likely the outcomes that happen in your life.
Btw. what is something that makes you feel good about yourself?
You need to seek help from a professional.. Dont EVER try to mix sex with help it will only further lead you down the same path. Put a pause on whatever you are doing and find the right professional. Treat it as life or death because if you continue down this road, it can uttelry destroy your chances of having a healthy life. Society does a good job of hiding the outcome of these poor life choices from young women but advertise iton full blast to them. Your boyfriend is not able to help you and its only hurting him to try to solve a problem he doesnt understand. You owe it to him and yourself to get better.
Hello, I broke up with my bf two months ago , i blocked through whatsapp but removed him from all social platforms and made it clear to not contact me again a week after he sends me a love birds video , asks about me and keeps reaching out tho i act very cold and sometimes leave him on seen yet he keeps reaching out.. i love this man and i still have hope to this relationship but i believe he is currently instable emotionally to handle a serious relationship even i realized that very late.. the question is why does he keep reaching out ?
@charmingSkies4327 you're definitely not alone sending virtual hugs and I want you to know that I'm proud of you and for everything you're going through you're doing the best you can and don't give up
@charmingSkies4327 First off, therapy does not mean you are faking it. Maybe consider getting officially diagnosed. Sometimes when you try, you end up having something you didn't think you did. It also helps you inside know you are not faking it. I would say write to your boyfriend and truthfully tell him that you did not have a motive, and tell him how you feel about him. Tell him you do not care for the other guy. I think if he knew you did not have motive, and have no feelings for the other guy, and knowing that you do care for him would make him feel better. At least it would me. Sidenote that once someone cheats in a relationship, it is possible to stay together, but it could also give the other person always a little concern in their mind. I suggest you show him you care for him in whatever way you can. He knows you can't talk about your feelings, he will understand and appreciate the gesture. Also, some sort of apology gift may show him you are making an effort. Does not need to be something expensive or even something you buy. Could be a nice dinner or a fun time together doing something he likes. Seeing that you make an effort will help settle his concerns some overtime. Also, being upfront and honest could help settle the fears later. You cheated, it is only natural someone could be suspicious. If he ever asks you to do something proving you are not currently cheating, do it to rest his suspicions. Like if he asks you if you still talk to the guy, show him you aren't. Just a suggestion to help rest his concerns of the relationship.