Trauma Support Community Check-in: Thursday-Friday, 26-27 November 2020
Hello, survivor friends.
It has been a while since I wrote one of these. I missed the community a lot, and I hope to be able to give back once again.
For those American friends out there, Happy Thanksgiving. I find Thanksgiving to be one of those times of year to be confusing while everyone around is happy. Learning how to feel gratitude and thankfulness while whethering the storm of trauma can be very frustrating and perhaps can even create some spiteful feelings, at least in my experience. This being said, showing gratitude in the face of trauma can show us how far we've come in reframing our thoughts. It's a good exercise in acceptance, and a crucial step in recovery from trauma. Another reason that thanksgiving can be hard is because of the family element, which is sometimes a part of our traumas. I want you all to know that every day you come on here to work on yourselves, everyday you fight, and for that, I am VERY grateful.
How about some discussion questions to get the ball rolling?
Do you practise gratitude?
If you feel comfortable, feel free to share how you express and experience gratitude or thankfulness.
If you don't want to talk about this, how are you doing today?
I'd also like to take this moment to tell everyone that we will be beginning weekly trauma discussions in the trauma chatroom again. Hopefully this week and I will make some threads about this. There are many plans in the works and I hope that some of you will be interested and attend. Stay tuned!
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@Hoxenos
First of all, hello and thank you for this post. I like reading you and the attitude you have towards some hard situations. It is inspiring. Thank you.
We do not have Thanksgiving here. I'm not sure what it is about but I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving.
Do you practise gratitude?
I do. I appreciate what people do for me and I like to show them that. It is always good to say 'please' and 'thank you', and it doesn't hurt.
If you feel comfortable, feel free to share how you express and experience gratitude or thankfulness.
Depends on the person I'm thankful with, but usually I say what's in my mind. I'm very affectionated and I hug a lot too.
If you don't want to talk about this, how are you doing today?
It's been a good day. I've tried to be focused on my homeworks since I have tons of overdue assignments. My teachers gave me a second chance to finish it since my mom called my school and scolded everyone for not supporting me. My best friend also helped me, she did a lot of my assignments for me and I can't fail them. But, sometimes, I find it hard to keep motivated.
@Kimmkimm
Hi Kimm, thanks so much for checking in! And thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them a lot.
It sounds like you really value communication and affection in showing gratitude. That's a wonderful method. How do you feel when you express gratitude?
I'm glad you're having a good day and that your teachers are giving you extra time for your assignments. It can be frustrating when you have valid reasons for things but teachers still impose their own unreal expecations on us. Your mom sounds like a rockstar, I'm super happy that you have her and your best friend in your corner for support. It can be tough to find motivation sometimes, especially after a trauma because it takes a lot of meaning and purpose away from our life. How do you feel you can reclaim some meaning and purpose? What are you passionate about?
@Hoxenos
I feel nice knowing that there are some things wirthy in life, like friends and family. And I'm passionate about them. Also, I like volleyball but this year we have not had the opportunity to play it because covid and I miss my friends from my team. Also, lately I've been skating and it is fun. I'm also passionated abput reading and writing. I write poems and little tales sometimes, and I am writing a book. But it's been months since the last time I did it. I have no movitation to do it.
@Kimmkimm
Hi Kimm, these are lovely activities to feel passionate about. It sucks how so many of our social resources are affected by covid, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to play volleyball. What do you think could help you feel motivated about writing, if it's something you're still interested in doing? What do you enjoy about it?
@Hoxenos
Do you practise gratitude? I don't really practice but I am mindful of it
If you feel comfortable, feel free to share how you express and experience gratitude or thankfulness.
@scarletPear1945
Thanks for checking in, Scarlet, I feel like I remember you from when I was here before?
Being mindful is important, how do you feel about the idea of gratitude?
@Hoxenos
Gratitude is something we must never forget to reflect o. Even the small things in life are so particularly important
to not take for granite
@scarletPear1945
Definitely that's so true. Sometimes I find the smallest things to feel the most valuable in some ways.
@Hoxenos
Hiya, great check in. Very good question.
Yes I practice gratitude, I try to be thankful with my family, they do alot..
A couple things ima thankful for: my family, my friends both irl and cups,
Great job on the check in, look forward to seeing more. Hang tough stay pawsome ur friend 🔥
@Fireskye13
Hi Fire, nice to meet you!
I'm really happy that you're grateful for your family and friends, it sounds like you have a healthy support network around you, that's so great to hear :)
@Hoxenos
Thx its pawsome to meet you to.
Do you practise gratitude?
I try my best to. I try to count my blessings whenever I'm feeling awful, and just be grateful for what I have.
If you feel comfortable, feel free to share how you express and experience gratitude or thankfulness.
I express my gratitude by trying to get better. My family doesn't deserve to deal with me the way I am. They don't deserve to have an ungrateful daughter. I know it's not their fault and I shouldn't hate them, and I'm ashamed that the best I can do most of the time is to either keep my mouth shut or give terse, quiet one-word answers. I'm trying to be grateful for everything they've done for me.
Today I had a great day with my mum and brother, because I was feeling okay and I actually managed to have a normal conversation with both of them without losing my cool. I'm grateful for that
If you don't want to talk about this, how are you doing today?
I am okay. Life isn't always easy, but we try our best.
I've been trying to figure out how to live with what happened. It hurts so much, but I know that I can't change what happened. Everyday it feels like I'm going to suffocate from all the fear and pain, and I can hardly bear to think that the person who hurt me might still be out there somewhere, continuing to hurt children. If only I could remember who they were, but I was too young to remember anything specific.
I wish I could forget everything and just be normal. I wish I could learn to trust people again. I wish I could get better sooner. This sucks
@honestpanda81
Hi Panda,
Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story. It really touched my heart as I connect with a lot in what you said. It can be frustrating when you're short-tempered with those you love. I don't know your story but I'm not sure you're being completely fair with yourself about how you are with your family.
I know that my family is not the same as yours, but they used to guilt me about not being grateful when they had no idea what was going on and what I was struggling with. It took a lot to realize that you can be both grateful and be very angry about what happened to you. There may even be a part of you that's frustrated by them not protecting you when you were hurt. It doesn't matter if it's fair, it's how it feels.
You have a right to be angry for what happened to you. You will find a way eventually to come to terms with all of these feelings you have and express them in more healthy outlets. It sounds like you also have a lot of unanswered questions which means you've never gotten any sort of closure. This is another way that the wound remains fresh and open.
I know a lot of the pain you're going through. I can't tell you how to write your own story, but I can tell you you're not alone, and I'm happy you checked in with us today <3
@Hoxenos
Hey there, thank you for your kindness
I'm really sorry that your family treated you this way. You didn't deserve any of it. My parents would do that sometimes too, but they don't know what happened, so I can't say I blame them. Eventually, I mostly stopped asking for things, because in the back of my head I was always worried that my parents would use it against me. It still makes me uncomfortable to show how happy I am when they offer to get me something I want, because I don't want to risk them holding it against me.
Thank you for reminding me that how I feel is valid, beacuse I know I can't control it. It's not fair, but it is how little me processed everything. I realise that I was desperately trying to blame it on someone, and it was either going to be me or my parents. Maybe it isn't completely fair to say the child is the one at fault for being irritable after getting sexually assaulted.
Trying to process everything has been exhausting. It sounds like you eventually found healthier ways to cope and understand what happened to you, and I'm happy for you, I just don't know if I'll ever get there. Everything I talk about it with someone it feels like a weight has fallen off my shoulders, and yet I still feel so heavy, as if there is another mountainload of suppressed emotion waiting to burst out. Some days it's just too much
I kinda wish I had either completely forgotten about it, or just told someone what was happening when I was younger. Now that I barely remember anything but the pain and fear, it's so much harder to understand it. Maybe at least I would've gotten some closure. My open wound festers, yet I don't know which would be more painful: leaving it be, or cleaning it out
I hope you managed to heal from the things that happened to you. Thank you again for your kind words. I am relieved yet deeply saddened that you understand how it feels.
@honestpanda81
I know that feeling of having mixed emotions when meeting a fellow survivor. I think it is important to focus on the positive, in that you are not alone. What I strive for in volunteering on this site is so that other survivors have hope that things can get better. I'm not going to be insincere and tell you everything will be ok and blah blah. I'm here to tell you that it is 100% possible to get better. Do I believe it's easy? No. Is it fast? No. But it is 100% possible, and that's what I always held onto. That knowledge is what caused my survival. The fact is that when you get through the worst of it and start to notice your healing for the first time... that is a feeling you can't beat. It will surprise you when it happens, but if you put the work in (and judging by the fact that you're here on 7cups, I assume you're putting the work in!), you will see results. I find the key for me was to compare myself always to a few years ago. Recovery from trauma isn't the most hopeful when measuring in months, it's better in years. I know this probably sounds really dismal to you, but we will be here for you through the shitty years.
@Hoxenos
You're right that it's important to focus on the positive. I've been trying to be more conscientious in remembering the things I can be grateful for and focusing on the things I can change. I can't change my circumstances, but I can change how I choose to react to them. I can choose to be a kinder person myself, and be gentle with myself. I can choose to be at peace even if the past keeps haunting me. I can choose to focus on healing instead of on the pain.
The feeling you get when you realise you've gotten better is like a warm hug. I love it most whne I try a new coping technique, and it works for me. That gentle easing of the intensity of my emotions, and the feeling of the weight in my chest slowly evaporate, are genuinely worth fighting for. On these days I feel like a whole person again, and that I am okay. Safe. Loved. Thank you for always being here for me, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it
@Hoxenos, hi there!
Do you practise gratitude?
Sometimes.
If you feel comfortable, feel free to share how you express and experience gratitude or thankfulness.
I express gratitude through journaling or as a way of motivation.
how are you doing today?
It's great, I guess.
Thanks for the check in, and take care.
@LovelyOrangeJuice
Hi Orange!
I'm happy to hear you're having a good day! Journalling is a great gratitude tool because it forces us to really reflect and sit with some positive feelings, sometimes really counter to any negatives we have been wrapped up in.
I am not doing good at all today, I am so stressed and have been put into multiple trigger situations tonight.
I do try to practice gratitude when I practise yoga, but mostly I don't feel very grateful for the life I have been living
@calmLake1999
Hi Lake,
thank you for checking in today, it sounds like you're really going through it right now so I'm happy that you reached out for support today.
It sucks when we're subject to a bunch of triggers in a short amount of time. It is not enough time to recover and it can really feed into our lack of control over our life and brains feelings we have.
Well, I said practise for a reason as opposed to simply how do you express gratitude. Like I said in my post, I think it's very common in trauma to not see anything positive in life, and working on these negative thoughts really takes practise, it doesn't come easy. Especially if you don't feel safe, don't have an adequate support system, or are suffering from debilitating mental illness.
This being said, I truly believe practising gratitude can make a big impact on trauma thoughts. If you're always stuck in the negative, it gives you a break from that. It also teaches you that even when things feel most hopeless, there is almost always something positive going on. And the more you latch onto these positives, the more you will see. And this causes a feedback loop that can sometimes break us out of negative feelings. This in turn may make us even more grateful, and so the cycle continues. Gratitude can be a very small but very powerful element in recovery.
I'll give some prompts if you would like, if you're not ready, feel free to ignore what I'm about to say.
Did you have a roof over your head last night? Do you have access to internet? Do you have anyone in your support system? Has a stranger done something kind recently? Have you completed a task recently (even a simple one)? Have you looked at the sky or the weather and admired nature's beauty recently?
Gratitude can be found in many places, but it takes practise to see it when we're stuck in a well. Positive emotions can seem so far away, but recovery is one step at a time There is no rush, and there is no race.
@Hoxenos
Thank you for your reply. Some of those gratitude prompts are helpful, I at the moment do not feel able to reply to some of those gratitude prompts although I will keep some in mind for the future
@calmLake1999
It's ok to not be ready for gratitude prompts yet. You know yourself best, so you know the right answers in your recovery. I'm happy that you're listening to yourself and your needs
@Hoxenos
How lovely to see you back!
I was saying thanks to my appliances everytime I turn them on.
It sounds silly, right? But I find it so helpful to be appreciative of how these things like my washer make my life so much easier.
At times I also read posts and also emails and pause and say thank you.
There are so many people in my life that make it meaningful.
Would love discussions again if you are up to it.
Thanks so much!
@emotionalMaple9419
Hi Maple, long time no see! How has this covid year treated you?
I think that taking time to appreciate the small things we usually take for granted can completely change our world-view towards the positive. It is an amazing habit that you've developed! Do you feel that it impacts your life positively?
I am 1000% planning to resume discussions and posting updates (and potentially forum versions of the discussions for those who can't make it???) within the forums, would you like me to tag you when this happens?
@Hoxenos
Thanks for your reply!
I'd love to be tagged for discussions.
I also like the idea of adding forum versions of the discussions as there is always so much to take in and discussions produce a flooding of thoughts and emotions that need time to be processed and the short discussion time can feel overwhelming. It's a great time to also connect with others, so way too much for the system to handle all at once.
I am doing okay, thanks for asking. Covid here is currently worse than ever. It's difficult being reminded of sickness and death daily and the pain and loss people are experiencing is so extremely sad.
Getting out of the house is very infrequent.
This has however allowed me 100's of hours of deep contemplation and practice.
I'm beginning to have greater insights into my lifetime of traumas and to integrate them, so this isolation has allowed me the time to do this work on myself. I can see it will be a lifetime endeavor.
Yes, you are right, this time has also allowed for greater appreciation of the small things as I can see more clearly what really matters in life.
It has also given me time to read some meaningful books I've had sitting on my shelf waiting to be opened.
How have you been? How have your studies been going?
I'm looking forward to your posts and discussions. Time together with others is so meaningful.
@emotionalMaple9419
I'm happy to hear that there have been some positives to come out of this for you, Maple. I for one, have ironically had the most healthy year of my life. My immune system is pretty bad because of my trauma, so I used to have a cold roughly once every couple weeks, and it would last double the time it was supposed to. With everyone in my area being so safe with PPEs, I haven't caught all those usual illnesses, and it's been incredible living life while not being sick constantly. Things in general are much easier, and I'll definitely never take this for granted because I know what the alternative looks like.
My studies are ok. I did finish my bachelor's and this year I am taking some theology credits in order to have the prerequisites for a counselling and spirituality MA. I've never really been into religion, but I know many trauma survivors are, and I want to be able to go there with them, so I think that course will be really good for me. That will start next September assuming I get in. I'm pretty excited about it. Thanks so much for asking
I missed a lot of you while I was away, and you were definitely one of the ones I thought about. I'm glad that you are overall doing well. I have to say that many of those I used to chat with or see in group chats... it's night and day seeing the growth and progress in recovery so many of you are showing. Even just the lengths of your responses, it shows that you're able to really dig in and reflect now. It's so awesome to see these positive changes, despite how rough this year has been. I know it may sound weird to say, but I'm so proud of you. You've obviously been working so hard on yourself and it shows.
@Hoxenos
Congratulations on your Bachelor's degree!
I wsh you continued success and good luck as you move on to your Master's.
I know you'll do great!
I agree, you are on the right track on learning more about spirituality to connect with trauma clients. Spirituality does have a way of becoming a centerpoint in some trauma survivors as various mystical experiences and awakenings have come about through great traumas and suffering I've learned, as well as finding an anchor of strength.
I forgot to add the lack of sickness and colds to the pros of the pandemic. You are right about that! I've talked about that a lot but failed to mention it here. My immune system has been awful since early childhood with being hospitalized with severe illnesses that were mysterious and difficult to treat. Illnesses often only found in adults.
I too have noticed a big difference in my immune system, as well as my mental health, by not having to physically be around toxic and triggering people.
As you well know, growth and healing are slow and intentional daily work. Thanks for your words of encouragement!
@emotionalMaple9419
I really appreciate your kind words, Maple, thank you.
