Traumatic Experiences Community Check-In 3 June 2020

Traumatic Experiences Checkin June 3 2020

Good morning everyone!!! I wanted to focus today on how childhood trauma impacts the relationships we have as adults, as well as how to improve these relationships going forward. By the age of 18 many individuals have suffered some sort of traumatic incident. Psychologists agree that our early family environment can impact our adult relationships. An individual's adult attachment style can be influenced by traumatic incidents which occur during ones childhood. As children, one looks to our parents and other trusted adults to help us form ideas about the world around them. Children want to know if other people are trustworthy, if the world is a safe place and if their loved ones will be there for them if they are in need. The information gained from the close adults in their lives help them to form lasting impressions in regards to the nature of love, friendship and trust.

Childhood experiences can often create particular attachment styles that last well into ones adulthood. An individuals attachment style reflects how close that person likes to be in relationships. Attachment style can influence the way we communicate with others, and how we handle separations, arguments and intimacy. As adults, we can change dysfunctional attachment styles through personal insight, counseling and support. One can also improve other conditions like anxiety, PTSD, or depression by taking time to improve relationships.

Look below to the following types of attachment to see if any of them may apply to you or someone you love.

Secure attachment:

A secure attachment style is the healthiest attachment style. Individuals that have secure attachments often had supportive caregivers during their childhood. These people feel comfortable connecting with others, asking for help as needed, and sharing emotions with others to a reasonable and healthy extent. Those with secure attachment do not live in fear of abandonment or rejection, and usually have a healthy view of themselves and others.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment:

Individuals with this type of attachment often experienced childhood neglect or rejection from their caregivers. These people may avoid being close to others and often strive to be very independent, even to extremes. They may be more likely to keep secrets or fear threats to their perceived independence.

Fearful-avoidant attachment:

These people may have experienced some type of childhood abuse, chaos or neglect. This attachment style often occurs when loved caregivers are also a source of pain. The resulting attachment style may make these adults afraid to be alone, but also afraid of closeness and intimacy. They often have difficulty trusting others, and may alternate from one extreme of closeness to complete avoidance.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment:

This attachment style occurs when adults have experienced constant childhood change, inconsistent parents or caregivers who alternate between extreme attentiveness and distant coldness. As adults, these individuals experience a great deal of anxiety about their relationships; they may be clingy, needy or hypersensitive to any changes in their partner. This anxiety may drive loved ones away, thus becoming a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.

Now I want to offer some thoughts to help people explore, rather than criticize themselves for their struggle to connect with others. There are good reasons trauma survivors resist forming deeper relationships. It may seem impossible to become vulnerable enough to admit what one wants or needs, let alone share it. Self-imposed isolation has become a way to cope:

Some individuals feel they should handle their struggles themselves.

Some may even tell themselves, No one else will understand my struggle.

Oftentimes, survivors of trauma feel ashamed or even guilt as if they dont deserve support or compassion.

For some individuals, it is the only way they have felt safe in the past.

One can see these isolating parts from a different angle with a trauma-informed approach. Instead of rejecting them, the self-understanding and compassion needed for friendships and relationships can grow stronger by exploring them. Therapy and even active listening can be a truly emotionally corrective relationship, where the individual learns that having a witness accept their feelings and history allows them to feel safer than they have ever felt before.

An urgent need to protect is created by trauma. To an individual with a history of trauma, a barrier to connection can act as a life preserver; for it is believed that disconnection keeps them safe, and then in turn it validates that individuals need for safety. Instead of criticizing themselves for their barriers, one can explore curiosity about them, for example: Is there a self-protector part inside of them who says: Im going to withdraw and stay safe so you dont hurt me?

In a healthy relationship with oneself, an individual can question unrealistic standards they may be holding themselves to, using compassion to soothe self-criticism. Consider the opportunity for secure attachment in the current relationships they have been able to develop as an adult. Asking for help can be especially difficult for those who have survived trauma. Learning to allow the heart to open takes courage, time and responsive, compassionate support.

I know this may be a very sensitive topic for many of you but I felt out of all the recommendations for topics I received Monday that this was the one which I would do today. I will ask these three questions of you today and again the intention is never to harm but to heal always.

1. How are you feeling today?

2. Which if any attachment style fits you?

3. What topics would you recommend for me to use for a future check-in topic?

As always I will wish you a better today than yesterday in hopes of a brighter tomorrow my friends!!!

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