Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Monday May 22nd 2017
And so, another Monday rolls around. I swear time is going faster the older I get, though I know for others some minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days. Whether you feel life is racing by, or going at a snail's pace, this community is for you. A place to share your highs and lows, to give and receive support. For people who contribute to the daily check in regularly, it's great to have you here. For those who drop in occasionally, it's always a pleasure to see you. For those who are new, you're very welcome here. For those who are silent, please come say hello whenever you feel able.
Ah dear, I had a nice little picture to add that defined friendship, but for some reason it won't load. Going to be one of those days!
@DeborahUK
@DeborahUK
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@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
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@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart
@DeborahUK
I remember how kind you were to me before when I was in a bad head space. It meant a lot. Thank you. I've been surprised by the support I've found here all around.
@themainjane Glad to see that Jane. We all are here for you. Take care. Have a great week ahead.
@sujaypai
You too!
@themainjane
It means a lot to me that it meant a lot to you :)
It's great to have you in this community. I'm glad you've made the decision to join us.
@DeborahUK end of a difficult weekend. Couldnt celebrate a birthday which i didnt want to even see but spent day with hubby. Saw family and brothers twins for first time since losing mine. Was hard but still here I guess.
Told hubby some of how bad things are. Not everything but he knows its been hard to see a future.
Back at work today. Trying to be ok.
@inventiveOrange1 I am so sorry Orange. It has been very difficult. I am glad you spent some time with your family. I know meeting your brother's twin had sort of mixed feelings in you. I am so happy to see u have a strong support in your husband. You have been strong all this while. I am hopeful something good only will come out of this. Have a good week ahead. Take care of yourself and do the best self care you can.
@inventiveOrange1
That sounds hard and like it brought up a lot for you. It's nice that your husband can be there for you. Be gentle to yourself.
I had a diffiicult night without being able to sleep and the shakes when I did. I feel raw, anxious and vulnerable... así es la vida (such is life). Possibly because I'm home safe now, with time to recharge, so it feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep remindng myself that I'm safe right now, even if it doesn't feel like it inside of myself at the moment. Leaning into instead of pulling away- I hope it works soon..
@MKJart
Hi :) I've enjoyed reading your responses these past couple days. :)
I also lose sleep during difficult days, but totally agree with it just being life. Your post reminded me of the Celia Cruz, 'La Vida Es Un Carnaval,' song. Some days you have to cry and move along the ride, knowing you'll (more than likely) go'around another day.
A good friend of mine always tells me- Pa'lante, mija! Siempre, Pa'lante! (Move forward, young lady! Always, forward!)
Your posts remind me of him and his encouragement. To me, that's always been a great thing to share. Thanks for sharing. :)
@Chayil
Thank you!!! I love that song too. Music speaks to me in many ways. Celia- Life is a Carnaval
Lady Gaga- Until it Happens to You
Paper Aerplanes- 1. Good Love Lives on 2. Placebos 3. Books 4. Joy 5. Caravan
Japanese Wallpaper- Breath in
Haux- Caves
Sia- 1. The Greatest 2. Bird Set Free 3. Unstoppable 4. Reaper
Hillary Duff -Fly
Fuel to Fire - Mire
Liv Dawson- Tapestry
Lots more- Music is a lifeline for me.
Thank you for your post
@MKJart I was recently in a similar place with my PTSD journey myself, MK. Returning home after an absence takes re-adjustment, but you will adjust and align. I have faith in you.
@melliotm
Thanks. How are you today?
@MKJart A bit stressed. Started off the day cleaning up the basement, which has been in a state for some time now thanks to cats peeing outside their boxes and random stuff that various former housemates have left behind. I've put off dealing with the mess because I'm only just now stabilizing after an extended bout with my symptoms.
Had help from a friend who is very proactive, driven and finds cleaning to be cathartic (whereas my health anxiety is easily triggered these days by even the mere thought of exposing myself to any kind of contaminant). She went a bit beyond what I had asked of her with regards to what was accomplished. Kind of stretched my boundaries and put me on the edge of panic, mostly due to me feeling obliged to push myself physically and mentally -- didn't want to seem ungrateful, etc.
Once I presented some of my concerns, she understood that I needed frequent breaks because I was getting overwhelmed by the disruption and exertion (both physical and mental). So while it feels good to have actually accomplished something, I also feel spent and somewhat...dazed.
it was a lot to process. Sensory overload. Back in bed now.
@melliotm My anxiety coach reminded me of the self-perpetuating nature of depression (which often runs concurrent with or is catalysed by post-traumatic stress). It's vital for me to break the cyclical patterns of cruel self judgment and toxic rumination that become deeply set when staring at the same four walls, lamenting the lack of purpose in my life is the sum total of daily existence. So I'm starting small, with a scheduled 20 minute minimum daily walk after dinner to supplement my weekly visit with my daughter every Saturday morning.
(He's more vicariously ambitious -- wants me to spend no more than an hour in bed between getting up in the morning and bedtime. Cool story, bro. One can't be expected to bench press 200lbs without gradually building atrophied muscles back up to full strength.)
These disorders are so bloody insidious, invasive, entirely unpredictable, at times feel all-consuming -- but they don't have the right to define us even though the impact is visceral, and merciless. For me, it feels like I'm in a hostage scenario, or a POW ensared in the cage of my mind in the midst of an ongoing civil war. Just doing something, anything, no matter how seemingly insignificant is something though, right?
Anyway, alarm is set, wish me luck, etc etc etc.
@melliotm That's the right approach Melliot. It's so deeply rooted that it cannot be uprooted overnight. Taking Small steps and building the muscles is the way to gradually change that set process. Eventually we can see the build up. I am glad you have friends who understand you and support you. That's a big advantage I would say and helps keep the motivation too. Yes putting a brake to self judgment and criticism will give an added motivation to keep doing what you have taken up to do. You have been doing amazing. Stay that awesome.
@melliotm
Right on. Not only for asking for help, being able to receive it and express your concerns and how life is for you at this time. It's scary to reach out. Happy for you that you had a great friend that could be there for you too and now can rest knowing you accomplished something you had hanging over you. Must feel good. Enjoy getting some rest...
@MKJart Hey I am Sorry for that MKJ. It is pretty difficult with thoughts racing in our mind. I hope you feel better soon as you are safe right now. You are home.
Ok. So I know I've been talking too much in here but I'm going to talk some more as I'm facing a problem I've had for a long time. I am aware that many here are suffering and that that suffering is even worse than mine. Still, this is my life and I have to fix it.
Currently I'm working on getting over the psychological barriers that keep me from even just going outside.
I need to do my laundry. The washing machine and dryer are outside in another building. I am supposed to meet with my mother today.
I realize that this is a blessing. But I want to avoid it. I don't know what my problem is. It's not exactly agoraphobia because I don't fear people or places per se. I just have very low self-esteem and judge myself harshly. Being anywhere there are people intensifies this self-judging.
@themainjane
Hi Jane
Sorry you're struggling today.
There really isn't a worse than or less than when it comes to suffering. It's all subjective and you're deserving of support as much as anyone- we all suffer and it isn't graded. I've found in my life that beating myself up because I'm suffering, unmotivated or anxious, just makes it worse and it lasts longer. Next, I judge myself for judging myself because I know that it's not helpful and it's hard to get out of that loop. If I allow myself to feel what I need to, lean into it and alllow myself to be unmotivated without judgement/kindness, it lifts the weight off faster. You've got so much great, encouraging things to say to others-- What would happen if you spoke to yourself in the same kind and gentle way?
When I don't want to do something that needs to be done, I also reavaluate if it REALLY needs to be done now or if it can wait. If it can wait, giving myself permission to let it wait is liberating and a success self-care.
If it can't wait- well, asking for help is scary, but when I do, It's usually met with kindness and understanding. It makes others feel good to help too allowing more closeness.
I know that I feel honored and valued when someone asks me for help. It feels less helpless to know I can be there for someone else in their struggles. How would you feel if a friend asked you for help in your situation?
@MKJart
I appreciate your words. And you're right about perpetuating the cycle through negative self talk, etc.
As far as asking for help. . to do my laundry? The plan I've had in place as that if I give him a load my husband takes it down and brings it back up later. It's not a good plan because it puts chores on him he doesn't deserve. It also doesn't help me to get better about dealing with my own life. Same with the grocery store.
So now it's almost getting too late to even do the laundry and still be able to meet with my mother. I'm dreading it and I don't want to call and cancel but I also don't want to go.
@themainjane
I don't even know what I would say to a friend that basically almost always refused to leave the house. That may be part of why I don't know how to fix this for myself.
I would offer to help with chores and to go places WITH them. I think that is part of what my mom is trying to do.
@themainjane
YES!! Even with laundry believe it or not. The people that love you, like your husband and mom, want to be supportive and feel helpful, not helpless when they watch you struggle. It's a GIFT when someone you love allows you to be there for them. What if your mom asked you to help her with laundry because she's having a hard time? Give yourself permission to be cared for.
I want to say to Everyone here that I think it's a good thing (I hope) that so many are speaking up about their struggles. Because how can we get better or feel better, be better, do better (whichever applies) if we don't start somewhere with someone to be honest about our struggles?
@themainjane
I could not agree more with this. It can be so hard to take that first step of trusting someone, of letting down your guard and being vulnerable. But the rewards can be immense. There are no quick fixes, but maybe just to see you're not alone, and your feelings aren't wrong - that can start to give you a sense of being acceptable, which will hopefully develop into recognising your value and developing your self worth.
@themainjane Absolutely true Jane. Bottling up things inside doesn't help. And this is the time you come to know who your support system is. So do speak up and reach out. Those who care for you will reach out to you as well.
@DeborahUK
Sounds pretty lively in here for a Monday! 💜
I'm back at it just being a day. The many "you should try/do this and/or that" messages, without first asking what I've already tried today, have been a bit much, though. I know what I should do, but I also know what I push hard to do and I will not feel guilty for choosing to value myself as well.
IE... I should get 8hrs of sleep, but I don't think that has happened since I was 2yrs old. Everyone's "normal" is definitely not mine (not that I haven't/do not try).
Monday... Bleh! Lol 👋😁 Just kidding... Since the move, I've since loved my days. The birds and nature help a lot. 💜 I think I'll do my homework at the park today. I may need the extra beauty and sounds of creation. 💜
You all are part of that beauty that adds to my day. I'm especially grateful for each of you. Whether I respond to each or not (I still read what you write).
Have a great day, but be gentle with yourself, too. 💜
@Chayil Aieee the attack of the "shoulds" -- the one about sleep is certainly salt in a deep wound, isn't it?
@melliotm Or aiyeee, even...
'Normal' is entirely subjective, regardless. And situational...
@melliotm
Exactly! I'm not "normal" because I don't sleep the "recommended 8hrs," while still more cheerful than ever, but it's used as the first excuse when I object to the restraints trying to be placed on me?
I don't like "normal" anyway lol 😝 I like myself and my not trying to fit into the "normal" box.
@Chayil
Just being bratty. 😝 I understand the concern, most days, but others... Not so much.
@Chayil
Stop shoulding all over yourself 
Easier said than done... it takes practice. I'm much better now than in the past. Small steps.
@MKJart
Was referring to actual messages (outside of here and my head ;) ).
My, 'I know what I should do,' was about what I plan on before my day, but that list is edited throughout the day. The "should" messages, though. Those I can definitely use without, especially today.
Thank you!
@Chayil Ohhh in that case I am also a victim of free sleep advice. I do sleep for 5 or 6 hours and always have a suggestion to take it to 8. Give me a break I am doing alright and there is no research which conclusively says sleep of 8 hours is the perfect norm. People with lesser no. of sleep also have won Nobel and lived long. I can relate to you on this. I am glad you enjoy the nature surrounding the new place. It would be great doing activities sitting at a quiet place with sounds of nature. Hope you enjoy the day and the week ahead.
@sujaypai
Oh my goodness, YES!! Exactly! 
Thank you!
Hope the same for you!
An awkward start to Monday for sure but celebrating the birth of Therapy cat- Spirit Mikel Night. Spirit goes to group homes and nursing homes to give love and get attention. Despite needing assistance with birth and raising because of mutancy, he is turning 9 yrs old tonight. His 30lb stature, huge teeth and claws, and goofy shaped eyes make him look fierce, but he's truly a gentle giant and 'adopted' by many- even here on 7Cups! Happy birthday, Spirit, and an awesome day to all here!
@AutumnLeigh
That is one big boy! I'm constantly having to watch the weight of my cat, Turvey. If his hips get much bigger, he'll be wedged in the cat flap! But it must be like having a miniature tiger in the house with Spirit for company....though he looks pretty placid.
@AutumnLeigh Woah Woah does not appear fierce to me. He is one lovely big boy. Hey Happy Birthday Spirit.
Wanted to share a small success with you guys. I thought about what you said @MKJart and I didn't have time to get the laundry done. In the past I would have cancelled and then felt guilty about cancelling and nothing good would've come of it.
INSTEAD I found something else and went with my mom (because that was the important part). I'm proud of myself!!! Was gone for over 5 hours and it was so nice to feel the breeze and hear the birds.
I need to start pushing myself to go outside every day not just some days - even if it's only for five minutes at first.
Thanks guys ❤'s to you all!!!
@themainjane
I'm so happy for you, sounds like you had a great day. 
@MKJart
Thank you, yes indeed. :)
@themainjane That's excellent Jane and it is always good to start for few minutes initially and get into the habit then it's a breeze. Happy you loved going outside and I am very hopeful you will continue it.
@sujaypai
Thank you!! :)
@themainjane Amazing! So happy for you. I set a goal to go for a 20 minute walk after dinner and l kept that commitment to myself. It feels good to break the cycle of avoidance, doesn't it?